The piercing sound of knuckles beating against the door echoed through my hotel room.\u00a0 The abnormally loud buzzing of the air conditioner filled my brain, adding more to the fire brewing within.<\/p>\n
\u201cEmily,\u201d Matt yelled, \u201ccome on, open the door. I need to talk to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
My bones weighed me down, trapping my limbs beneath the mountain of warmth draped over me like chains. I pulled my legs out from under the heap of blankets and slung them onto the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cEmily, please, just open the door.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I\u2019m coming,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n
I could feel my legs buckling with every step I took, my muscles sending waves of sharp pain through my body. I fumbled with the latch and slowly pried the door open.<\/p>\n
Matt pushed his way through the gap and sat himself down at the round dining table.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, just make yourself right at home,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow could you keep something like this from me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me? I don\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, don\u2019t play stupid with me! I heard you talking on the phone with your mom earlier this afternoon. I thought we were finally getting back to the way things used to be before you decided to just walk out of my life.\u00a0 You\u2019re just so selfish sometimes, I swear! You don\u2019t ever think of anyone but yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
“Don\u2019t you dare<\/em> tell me that I\u2019m the selfish one. Also, you had no right to\u00a0listen in on my\u00a0private<\/em> conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not very private when you do it in the car that all of us<\/em> are traveling in,\u201d Matt said.<\/p>\n \u201cRyan and Connor didn\u2019t hear too, did they?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, it was just me.\u201d<\/p>\n I slumped my way back to the bed and sat myself down near the edge, avoiding Matt\u2019s hopeless gaze. \u201cDon\u2019t look at me like that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m just looking at you like I always do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo you\u2019re not.\u00a0 Stop looking at me like I\u2019m some sort of wounded, abandoned puppy.\u201d<\/p>\n He huffed. \u201cHow am I supposed to look at you then?\u201d<\/p>\n I brushed my hair back from my face and lightly nibbled on the inside of my cheek. \u201cI\u2014I don\u2019t know, just don\u2019t look at me the way you are right now.\u201d<\/p>\n I staggered to the sink and grabbed the hair tie from the faucet.<\/p>\n \u201cI could have gotten\u2014\u201d Matt started.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m more than capable of doing it all on my own, thanks. I\u2019m not a helpless child.\u201d<\/p>\n I pulled my hair back in spite of the muscles in my arms struggling to make it over my chest.\u00a0 For the first time in a while, I noticed my own appearance. I stared blankly in the mirror, examining my fading looks for the first time. The circles under my mud colored eyes were intensifying as time went on, and my skin showed a lack of sunlight.<\/p>\n \u201cYou still look pretty good,\u201d I heard him say.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, just shut it.\u201d<\/p>\n Deep down I realized I was only being stubborn and rude to the one person willing to help me.\u00a0 My pride wouldn\u2019t allow me to give in.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t stop myself; the jabs just continued popping out left and right.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m only trying to be helpful.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell don\u2019t be. I got along just fine without any help before all of this started, and I\u2019ll do just fine now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFine,\u201d Matt replied.<\/p>\n There it was again, the painful jabs of my words hurting everyone I held dear. Eventually everyone went away, and he would too, I thought. I figured I may as well learn to deal with everything on my own.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Matt. I know you\u2019re dealing with your own load of crap right now with your parents and Mara and everything else wrong on this planet.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine. You have to take your anger out on someone I guess. It might as well be me, I suppose,\u201d he replied. \u201cWhat is it anyway; is it cancer?\u201d<\/p>\n I glanced toward Matt in the reflection of the glass.\u00a0 Every passing second was like another jab to my stomach and a knife to my chest.<\/p>\n I laughed. \u201cNo . . . not anything that simple or stereotypical. If it were I would at least have a slight chance of beating it and going into remission.\u00a0 No, I was stuck with lupus of all things. I\u2019d never even heard of it before last year.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWere you ever going to tell me?\u201d he asked, trying to wipe away the tears so I couldn\u2019t see.<\/p>\n \u201cYes? No . . . maybe?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf we would\u2019ve known, then we never would have taken this trip. If you had told me sooner, we could\u2019ve\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe could have what, exactly?\u201d I screamed. \u201cWhat, w\u2014we could\u2019ve stayed back in Illinois and I would have been the wounded little puppy dog while going through the same<\/em> thing every<\/em> day? And for what<\/em>?\u00a0 The treatments aren\u2019t working for me anymore and I have more bad days than good now.\u201d I slid down to the floor with my back against the wall. I could feel the lump forming in the back of my throat as I choked out the rest of my words.\u00a0 \u201cI feel so awful all the time and my body doesn\u2019t even feel like my own anymore. I just want to feel like a normal person again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s why you went on this trip with us? To feel normal again?\u201d I could hear Matt\u2019s feet pitter-patter across the carpet. His hands grasped mine and he gracefully lifted me from my pool of tears. His arms pulled me in tighter, wrapping me up in a cocoon.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry I called you selfish. I never should have said any of that.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n For a moment, everything stopped. The continuous buzzing of the air seized to exist and the orchestra of bees rushing through my skull was, for once, bearable.<\/p>\n \u201cHey, Matty,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n He chuckled. \u201cYou haven\u2019t called me that since middle school.\u201d<\/p>\n “Thank you.<\/p>\n \u201cFor what?\u201d he asked, looking at me again.<\/p>\n \u201cFor helping me back to the bed because both of my legs are asleep,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n Matt scooped up my body lightly and cradled me. He held onto my body and carried me back to the bed and helped me crawl up. I sank back into the blankets and settled my head against the pillows propped up against the headboard. He grabbed the remote from the bed side table before I could and started flipping through the channels.<\/p>\n \u201cRude,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you really think I\u2019d let you play those Kardashian chicks all night?\u201d he laughed. \u201cWhat\u2019s up with this air conditioner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know. I called them about it, but they never came to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n I brushed my hands through my hair once more, but noticed a slight discoloration of my fingers. I felt Matt\u2019s eyes burning holes into the side of my head.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s nothing; it\u2019s just another symptom. There\u2019s no need to worry about it, but do you mind just turning off the air for a bit?\u201d<\/p>\n I sat quietly with my head facing the wall and Matt continued flipping through the channels. An internal white noise machine played a drumline on a loop against my eardrums and<\/p>\n I felt my heart pulsing against my chest. The subtle hum of the T.V. was the only thing filling the gap between the two of us.<\/p>\n Everything came back in floods. My body was like a piece of candy in a taffy puller, my muscles stretching past the point of exhaustion. The force of gravity around my chest heightened<\/p>\n with every breath of fresh air, and there was little I could do than to let it pass and hope tomorrow would be an easier day.<\/p>\n \u201cYou okay?\u201d Matt asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine, it\u2019s just a hard thing to really wrap your mind around.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan you help me?\u201d he asked as he took me by the hand. \u201cI want to understand.\u201d<\/p>\n I nodded my head at the other side of the bed. Matt hopped up.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not the simplest thing to explain,\u201d I said. \u201cSome days it doesn\u2019t even feel like I\u2019m sick and everything\u2019s great. Then there\u2019s other days, like today and most of my days lately, that it just feels like I\u2019ve permanently got the flu. It\u2019s kind of like every muscle and nerve ending in my body has been modified to feel everything.\u201d<\/p>\n I looked into his eyes. I\u2019d lost him.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, that\u2019s not helping things I see. Alright, do you remember how you felt after Mara\u2019s party back in like seventh grade and you fell down those stairs?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen we were playing truth or dare and someone dared Suzie Finkle to make out with me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, that one,\u201d I replied. \u201cYou couldn\u2019t move for a few days after that. That\u2019s exactly how I feel almost every day.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs there anything I can do?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cJust promise me you won\u2019t treat me like a victim or something. It\u2019s just something I have, it\u2019s not who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n The two of us sat in silence, or what could be considered silence with the unavoidable buzz of the air conditioner.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, I was totally saving my first kiss for Tiffany Coleman.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, whatever. In your dreams, lover boy. Tiffany never even knew you existed,\u201d I chuckled. \u201cI heard that after she dropped out she moved out of state, got knocked up, and she\u2019s working at a truck stop now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDude, you literally just made all of that up. She graduated early and went to some Ivy League school.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, it sounded good to me. I just remember Mara taking care of you that night and making sure your foot wasn\u2019t broken after the fall.\u201d<\/p>\n Matt smiled. \u201cYeah, she was really good with that sort of stuff. She would have been an amazing doctor.\u201d<\/p>\n It was the first time we\u2019d really talked about our memories with Mara since her funeral the month before. It really makes you think of how everything can just change in a moment\u2019s notice.<\/p>\n \u201cI really miss her,\u201d I said. \u201cI really regret not being with you two those last couple years of high school.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, you were a real jerk for that. We even stayed up on Saturdays poking needles in your voodoo doll.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, ha-ha. You\u2019re so funny. Hey, remember the time we all went out to her aunt\u2019s cabin and decided to raid the wine cabinet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow could I forget? She never did go near anything resembling poison ivy after that,\u201d Matt said.<\/p>\n \u201cI wanted to feel bad for her, but it was just too funny not to laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n Matt shook with laughter, and as much as I wanted to be a good sport and laugh along, gravity continued crushing down on my every muscle and lungs.<\/p>\n He took my hands and wrapped them in his as he pulled me in closer for warmth. I repositioned my head on his chest and listened to the sounds of his heart beating in a repetitive rhythm against my own heart.<\/p>\n \u201cThank you,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cFor carrying you to the bathroom because you have to go now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I laughed, \u201cfor being there for me, and for always having my back, even when we weren\u2019t talking. Just thank you for everything; you\u2019re my best friend.\u201d<\/p>\n The two of us sat for hours just talking. It\u2019s amazing that even in one of my worst moments, Matt was able to keep me sane. It was like I was just me again and not the girl with an autoimmune disease that had to be tended to, even if it was just for one night.<\/p>\n It was just after midnight when I realized we\u2019d fallen asleep together. I repositioned my body slowly, trying not to stir him from his sleep. I peeled my body from his grasp and struggled to plant my feet to the carpet.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d I heard Matt say from behind me. \u201cHey. We must have passed out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI see that.\u201d Matt pulled himself up and stared blankly into nothingness. \u201cAre you planning on telling Connor?\u201d \u201cHmm?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t even go there. I know you two have a little something there, don\u2019t you think he deserves to know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet me see . . . no . . .\u201d<\/p>\n I fumbled with the strings of my hoodie, avoiding eye contact at all costs.<\/p>\n \u201cI think he should know. If you don\u2019t tell him, then I will.\u201d \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t dare,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, believe me, I would, and I will. You really don\u2019t believe me?\u201d \u201cGosh! You\u2019re so freaking persistent and annoying.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know I\u2019m right,\u201d Matt said.<\/p>\n My fingers again found my outrageous split ends. I ran my hand through the tangles of my hair, trying to find some way to force my mouth into forming actual words that didn\u2019t involve um<\/em> or uh<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cI know it isn\u2019t exactly easy putting yourself out there like that, especially after all the times Connor\u2019s put his foot in his mouth on this trip, but you never know if you don\u2019t try. I never spoke up to Mara when she said she wanted to go off and tour for the summer, and I regret that every day of my life. If I had, things would be different,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cIt isn\u2019t that I don\u2019t want<\/em> to tell Connor how I feel. I physically cannot tell him that I want us to be together. Why would he want to be with someone like me?\u201d \u201cYou mean someone completely amazing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I cried, \u201csomeone with a potentially fatal disease. He deserves so much more than a life full of doctor visits and possible heart attacks or liver failure and a girl that is sometimes too sick to even leave her bed. I can\u2019t ask him to put his life on hold for all of that. I\u2019m not worth that kind of trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n Matt grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. His eyes glistened in the overhead light, casting off shades of blue and gray. They had seen pain and suffering, but never left behind their kindness.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are worth it and you are beautiful. He would be so insanely stupid not to want to be with you. Your disease does not make you undesirable or weak; you are not your disease. It shows just how strong you really are, so don\u2019t ever<\/em> let it dictate who you\u2019re going to be. You control this, not the other way around.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut . . .\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo ifs, ands, or buts about it,\u201d he said. \u201cGet up and go talk to him. Now<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n I staggered to my feet and felt every emotion as they coursed through my veins. My head pounded with each step I took. With what seemed like every ounce of energy I had left in my body, I reached for the door and turned the knob. I looked back at Matt and his eyes stared back into my soul.<\/p>\n \u201cIt only takes five seconds of courage,\u201d he said to me.<\/p>\n I took another short breath and took one step after another down the hallway.<\/p>\n The sign ahead of me read 224, and was outlined in metallic silver. I slid my hand across the door, trying to decide whether or not the right choice was to turn back and just forget any of it had happened.<\/p>\n Remembering Matt\u2019s words, I beat my fist softly against the wood of the door.<\/p>\n \u201cJust five seconds,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n I could feel every fiber of my being tremble helplessly again, fearing whatever outcome was awaiting me on the other side of the door. Just as I heard the lock click from inside, my body switched into fight or flight mode. Then I saw him. In my search for a coherent sentence, all I could manage to say was, \u201cHi.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Alex Blades The piercing sound of knuckles beating against the door echoed through my hotel room.\u00a0 The abnormally loud buzzing of the air conditioner filled my brain, adding more to the fire brewing within. \u201cEmily,\u201d Matt yelled, \u201ccome on, open the door. I need to talk to you.\u201d My bones weighed me down, trapping my Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"template-full-width.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-253","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/253","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=253"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/253\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":607,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/253\/revisions\/607"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/13-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}