Anonymous
you made me feel unloveable.
you made me feel like my presence was a burden, like a weight placed upon your shoulders that bogged you down, making each step more arduous. in response i took upon my shoulders your burdens, thinking that that was what friendship was — carrying each other’s burdens. what i didn’t know was that friendship isn’t switching burdens; it’s lifting one another up, placing clouds underneath each other’s feet to make our own burdens lighter. it’s providing breaks in order to make the journey more bearable. what i also didn’t know is that you had silently shed my burden on the side of the road long ago, but never told me. this abandoned weight slowly made its way back onto my own shoulders, so i was left unknowingly carrying your burdens as well as mine. nobody was sharing my weight.
you made me feel like friendship was all about sacrifice. that i couldn’t possibly get what i wanted because it was my turn to compromise. you made it feel like a game show, with a wheel to spin on who’s turn it was. somehow, the wheel would always land on me. what a coincidence, right?
you made me feel like my joy wasn’t worth sharing. that my accomplishments were diminished because i “had it easy anyways”. i come from a loving home, i have a scholarship, and i’m a liberal arts major — of course i did well, it’s not like it was hard. you made me feel like my hard work meant nothing because it wasn’t achieved in the same parameters as yours. in fact, if anything i should feel guilty for succeeding. you on the other hand, you have it rough right now.so your successes, no matter how small, should be celebrated. the worst part is, i celebrated all of your successes happily. i was proud to have a friend as accomplished as you. why didn’t you feel the same pride about me?
you made me feel like my mental illness was hurting you. and you made me feel like my recovery wasn’t for me anymore. you broke me, and then yelled at me for trying to put myself back together.
you made me feel like i deserved to beg for love. like it wasn’t something i merited just by existing. it wasn’t something i merited by being kind and respectful. it wasn’t something i earned by doing all those things for you. it wasn’t something i earned by cleaning our room, by getting you coffee, by forgiving you for hanging out with our friends without me (again), by saying “it’s no biggie” for the millionth time, by setting up the tv to have your favorite shows and channels pop up first, by decorating for halloween even though it’s my least favorite holiday, by getting out of bed even when i didn’t feel like it, by spending time with you even when you made me feel isolated and out of place, by holding your hand when your boyfriend treated you wrong, by writing the script to the entire first 3 months of your relationship, by being your shoulder to lean on whenever you asked, by footing the bill again because you didn’t have cash on you, or by being your doormat for months on end. no matter what, i begged. and i begged. and i begged.
you made me feel like i deserved it. the months of on and off treatment, the harsh words, the cold shoulders, the constant anxiety not knowing if you all were hanging out without me again, the begging for forgiveness for things that i didn’t even remember doing, the insane amount of effort i exerted, the exhaustion i felt, the silent tears i had to cry while you watched youtube to fall asleep, the guilt you made me feel for my tiny mistakes, the pain when you told me that you gave up on our friendship months ago and i had no clue. and you know what? i didn’t deserve it. any of it.