Anonymous
The really awful part of loving someone, and loving someone that one, you can’t have and two, you love so intensely and deeply is the process from removing yourself from that situation and getting over those feelings.
I hate saying “getting over” because loving someone is a feeling that never fully goes away. You can move one, but the love you had for this one person doesn’t disappear entirely. Which has to be the most frustrating feeling.
I’m finding it hard to articulate the thoughts in my head as I’m currently going through my own separation from a relationship that means the world to me. It’s a separation of both my thoughts and emotions, and physically taking myself out the equation for sake of my own mental and emotional health.
I feel this overwhelming need to be formal, and to sugar coat my feelings when I write about it, when I talk about it. Because it’s so f*cking messy.
I hate that my relationship with this person can’t be perfect. That I can’t get my own emotional sh*t together for our sake. I hate that the healing has come in waves.
But there is the overwhelming fact that I like the emotion and the feelings that come with being with him. It only took me 5 years for my current therapist to tell me this: “you like the emotion”.
But there is more to it, I like the feelings and emotions that come with spending too much time with him. It adds fuel to the fire of all my lowest moments. The moments when I’m bawling my eyes out to a Taylor Swift song. Spending time with him clouds my judgement, my thoughts, my “wise-mind” as my therapist would say.
So here I am. building the much need bridge between him and I. a bridge that, no matter how many times I’ve built it, is painful to build every f*cking time.
Understanding now that we are on very different wavelengths. And that no amount of talking about “the elephants in the room” and you believing that “we’re in a good place” will replace this persistent and ugly feeling in my body that I can’t avoid, the feeling that whispers, “but I’m not okay.”