Evan Craig
Randy Newman once sang, “short people got no reason to live.”
I’d hate to argue with you Randy, but short people do have a reason to live,
That reason being to take advantage of tall people.
Think about it,
Can you honestly tell me that every short person can’t reach an item on the top shelf at the grocery store?
Just jump higher!
I’m sure you’ll get there eventually.
They do nothing but lurk around like mice near their item of choice.
Waiting for assistance from a person of great stature,
Where that person will hopefully,
Retrieve that item and most importantly, feel their sympathy.
Boo-hoo,
I’m too short,
Please feel sorry for me as you help reach for those generic Oreos on the top shelf.
First off, get real Oreos, those are better.
Second, we aren’t actually helping you reach anything.
We’re not grabbing you by the arms and telling you to reach for the sky.
We’re just grabbing that item off the top shelf for you.
No strings attached.
And usually doesn’t come with much of a thank you either.
C’mon short stacks, us giants could’ve pulled a bicep muscle!
Whatever,
I guess it’s too tall an ask to expect you shorties to hear my rant from all the way up here.
Don’t even get me started on their constant whining.
There’s reason number two Randy.
They whine by saying,
I can’t keep up,
You walk too fast,
Can’t you slow down?
Or you could pick up your stubby little feet and get a move on.
It can’t be all that challenging.
Pardon me, I didn’t mean to look down on you,
Oops.
Sorry, those tasteless remarks tend to slip out now and then.
It was never my intention to make you feel small.
Well, fool me twice.
Then I hear them say,
I wish I were as tall as you.
No you don’t,
You shrimps have it easy.
You’re always able to blend into the crowd,
Since you’re so puny, no one notices you.
Us tall drinks of water stick out like sore thumbs.
We always receive the brunt of the blame,
Because we can’t fit into mouse holes to avoid trouble like you.
Bigger shoe sizes doesn’t exactly come with greater coordination you know.
And we’re always alone at the grocery store,
Since bottom shelves aren’t exactly built at our leisure.
Despite all I’ve said,
Short people are the same as you and I.
It’s time to set aside our differences,
And get through this little journey called life,
Together.
Let’s prove Randy wrong and show that short people do indeed have a reason to live.