Evan Craig
Step One: Wipe off your sweaty palms.
Step Two: Stare up and marvel at the vast height of the behemoth you’re about to embark on.
Repeat Step One.
Step Three: Hear screams of the riders overhead and misinterpret them as shrieks of horror.
Step Four: See if ride goes upside down or does loop-de-loops at any point.
If so, repeat Step One.
Step Five: See if the drop height will make you long for the sweet release of death.
If so, Repeat Step One.
Step Six: Study where the emergency exits are in the likely event you decide to wimp out.
Step Seven: Pray that Jesus will take the wheel in case this ride goes south.
If not religious, bummer dude.
Step Eight: Ask a nearby ride operator when the ride was last safety-inspected.
If no answer or they appear stoned out of their mind, run like the wind.
Step Nine: Step onto the ride.
No turning back now sucker.
Step Ten: Put on safety equipment and quadruple check it.
Repeat Step One.
Step Eleven: Hold on to something for dear life.
A neighbor’s hand is welcome but repeat Step One first.
Step Twelve: As the ride dramatically trudges upwards, just remember it’s not the fall that kills you but merely the sudden stop at the end.
Step Thirteen: Never look off to the dwarfed world below.
If you do, repeat Step One..
Step Fourteen: Gaze upon the monstrous drop and begin rethinking all your life choices.
Start crying and maybe start squeezing your neighbor’s hand tighter.
Step Fifteen: As the ride drops you, keep screaming to a minimum to avoid unwanted visitors flying around.
Step Sixteen: Fake a smile for the camera taking your picture.
Think of it like getting nothing but socks for Christmas…again.
Step Seventeen: Wake up from your blackout session after realizing the ride is over.
Search for a trash can in case your lunch refuses to stay down.
Step Eighteen: Kiss the sweet, sun-kissed concrete upon exiting the ride.
Watch out for ABC gum while doing this.
Step Nineteen: A change in underpants will be necessary as will several years of therapy down the road.
But hey, what are gift shops for?
Step Twenty: Screw up the courage to do it all over again.
If not, maybe a kiddie coaster will be a better change of pace for you.