Kevin Wilson
I have faced death.
I was asleep, but not asleep –
You know, that half-awake state.
I was taking a nap, and it was nearing the time for me to wake,
I had left my bedroom door open because the heat was on,
With the door closed, it would get too hot to sleep;
I needed airflow.
Now, you should know, stress had been getting to me
In the form of nightmares.
Some nights before, I had a dream.
I was floating horizontally in darkness – in empty space
as if someone snuffed out the lives of every star.
There was nothing – no light — only me.
I could hear the rhythm of my breath, watch as my chest raised and dropped.
And as I watched myself exhale, my hands rose,
In unison they moved up my bare chest.
my right hand clutches a surgical blade
my left hand stretches out the skin
the right cuts through the tissue that should be over my sternum –
there’s no bone, I am split open to reveal the cavity in which sits my beating heart.
Slowly, beating, my right hand reaches inside —
my fingers wrap around my life source —
I feel the pulse in my hand —
And I pull.
The arteries stretch and quickly snap like rubber bands.
The pulse has stopped,
I hold my heart out in front of me,
Look at my life, surrounded by the backdrop of darkness.
I am prepared to let go.
But before I can, a second pair of hands appear.
I do not see who they belong to,
But they take my heart from me – in both hands –
They place it back in my chest and begin to stitch it in place.
That was a dream, but this other event –
As I said, I was half awake,
Door open, laying in my bed.
I open my eyes thinking, time to get up.
I couldn’t, I couldn’t do anything
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak.
Like my heart all over again – no control – I could only watch.
I try to call out to my roommate but only manage an inaudible scream
I start to lose consciousness, and right then and there
I knew what was happening:
No bodily control, no vocal ability,
I was having a stroke.
And as my vision gradually grew darker – I knew that it was the end,
I knew — this is death.
That was not okay,
There was too much I was just getting back:
I was feeling happy, excited for my future;
I was feeling loved by friends that just want the best for me;
I was feeling hopeful about a girl for the first time in a while.
These thoughts went through my mind
and I thought I’m going to miss so much.
In that moment — the darkness took over my vision —
I took in and let out a breath —
my breathing stopped.
I lay, motionless —
Floating horizontally in darkness —
In a state of nonexistence.
I let out one last helpless scream –
my eyes snap open,
I am alive.