{"id":108,"date":"2021-03-29T16:55:06","date_gmt":"2021-03-29T16:55:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/16-2\/?page_id=108"},"modified":"2021-04-29T00:55:02","modified_gmt":"2021-04-29T00:55:02","slug":"you-made-me-feel-unloveable","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/you-made-me-feel-unloveable\/","title":{"rendered":"you made me feel unloveable."},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n
Anonymous<\/span><\/strong><\/h5>\r\n

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you made me feel unloveable.<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like my presence was a burden, like a weight placed upon your shoulders that bogged you down, making each step more arduous. in response i took upon my shoulders your burdens, thinking that that was what friendship was \u2014 carrying each other\u2019s burdens. what i didn\u2019t know was that friendship isn\u2019t switching burdens; it\u2019s lifting one another up, placing clouds underneath each other\u2019s feet to make our own burdens lighter. it\u2019s providing breaks in order to make the journey more bearable. what i also didn\u2019t know is that you had silently shed my burden on the side of the road long ago, but never told me. this abandoned weight slowly made its way back onto my own shoulders, so i was left unknowingly carrying your burdens as well as mine. nobody was sharing my weight.<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like friendship was all about sacrifice. that i couldn\u2019t possibly get what i wanted because it was my turn to compromise. you made it feel like a game show, with a wheel to spin on who\u2019s turn it was. somehow, the wheel would always land on me. what a coincidence, right?<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like my joy wasn\u2019t worth sharing. that my accomplishments were diminished because i \u201chad it easy anyways\u201d. i come from a loving home, i have a scholarship, and i\u2019m a liberal arts major \u2014 of course i did well, it\u2019s not like it was hard. you made me feel like my hard work meant nothing because it wasn\u2019t achieved in the same parameters as yours. in fact, if anything i should feel guilty for succeeding. you on the other hand, you have it rough right now.so your successes, no matter how small, should be celebrated. the worst part is, i celebrated all of your successes happily. i was proud to have a friend as accomplished as you. why didn\u2019t you feel the same pride about me?<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like my mental illness was hurting you. and you made me feel like my recovery wasn\u2019t for me anymore. you broke me, and then yelled at me for trying to put myself back together.<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like i deserved to beg for love. like it wasn\u2019t something i merited just by existing. it wasn\u2019t something i merited by being kind and respectful. it wasn\u2019t something i earned by doing all those things for you. it wasn\u2019t something i earned by cleaning our room, by getting you coffee, by forgiving you for hanging out with our friends without me (again), by saying \u201cit\u2019s no biggie\u201d for the millionth time, by setting up the tv to have your favorite shows and channels pop up first, by decorating for halloween even though it\u2019s my least favorite holiday, by getting out of bed even when i didn\u2019t feel like it, by spending time with you even when you made me feel isolated and out of place, by holding your hand when your boyfriend treated you wrong, by writing the script to the entire first 3 months of your relationship, by being your shoulder to lean on whenever you asked, by footing the bill again because you didn\u2019t have cash on you, or by being your doormat for months on end. no matter what, i begged. and i begged. and i begged.<\/p>\r\n

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you made me feel like i deserved it. the months of on and off treatment, the harsh words, the cold shoulders, the constant anxiety not knowing if you all were hanging out without me again, the begging for forgiveness for things that i didn\u2019t even remember doing, the insane amount of effort i exerted, the exhaustion i felt, the silent tears i had to cry while you watched youtube to fall asleep, the guilt you made me feel for my tiny mistakes, the pain when you told me that you gave up on our friendship months ago and i had no clue. and you know what? i didn\u2019t deserve it. any of it.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Anonymous   you made me feel unloveable.   you made me feel like my presence was a burden, like a weight placed upon your shoulders that bogged you down, making each step more arduous. in response i took upon my shoulders your burdens, thinking that that was what friendship was \u2014 carrying each other\u2019s burdens.… Continue Reading you made me feel unloveable.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":40,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-108","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/40"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=108"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":924,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/108\/revisions\/924"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=108"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}