{"id":198,"date":"2021-04-12T19:10:41","date_gmt":"2021-04-12T19:10:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/16-2\/?page_id=198"},"modified":"2021-05-01T03:19:20","modified_gmt":"2021-05-01T03:19:20","slug":"advocatus-diaboli","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/advocatus-diaboli\/","title":{"rendered":"Advocatus diaboli"},"content":{"rendered":"
anonymous<\/strong><\/span><\/h5>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

Her ultimatum is<\/p>\r\n

1. Isolate from the family I found
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0protective older brother with the softest eyes,<\/p>\r\n

2. take a match to my last bridge
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0humble beams which lead to former lifelines
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0on nights not to be spent alone,<\/p>\r\n

3. repent
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0or an infernus eternity.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

Shuddering, I choose Her<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

strike match to box and turn a newly hardened shoulder<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

so I won\u2019t see what I\u2019m losing\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0as it warms my skin.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

My lumber beams ablaze, the match burns to nothing<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

the last parts of me with it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

My crackling past embosses Her approval.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Love is gratification delayed<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

my worth, in Her, how well I destroy myself<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

how well the crown of my head holds the holy sheet of lace<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

like a veil could soak up each lie I\u2019ve told,<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

each ing\u00e9nue I\u2019ve loved.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Folks say this is a warning sign<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

tell you to pack what you can\u2019t afford to lose<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

flee into silent starlight, the only witnesses,<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

long gone celestial bodies who will deliver you to safety.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Tell you to kick and bite and scratch\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and thrash.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Tell you.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Their words are honest as Judas<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

a fine display of virtue signaling<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

as they excuse Her in the next exhale.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She is seated at the right hand of the founding father<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

a table we are not allowed to sit at<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

a dinner party invitation never received<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

a lackluster promise\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

that all are welcome.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her scripture lures lost heathens, like I<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

with newly hardened shoulders, smelling of smoke.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Offers dinner invitations for our compliance.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Like a glitz-eyed fool I accept!\u2014<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

elated my people are placed<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

in Her good graces, say grace<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

with our chairs politely tucked in\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

so tight our ribs scrape the altar-cloth.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

But dinner is not the meal we rsvped to.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The forefathers, saints, look the other way as<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her scalpel an incision cuts,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

then<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

peels off our skin,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

rubs<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

salt into our sin,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

saving us.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The only audible words\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

heard over the red-hot tumult\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

are<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

frag\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0ment\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0s of\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0pray\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0er\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0s.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The forefathers, saints, too raised<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

to see the salt-cured human meat we have become.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We choke wet heat, sweaty nausea and<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

inhumane groaning like a sacred slaughterhouse.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

And no matter what we plead recite or burn<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We are the advocatus diaboli,<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

lambs locusts testaments to Her lies,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her abuse as an excuse for salvation.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

No tabernacle teaches this!<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

What god pleasures themself to self-destruction?\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Not one worth worshipping, not unconditionally,<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

not a god, but a finger-pointing parasite.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Divinity never belonged to her\u2014<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

our hearts beat the same blood.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

If a God will settle our scores, it is a god alone<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and if he created a world he loved, it is one<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

where hearts beat as born,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

not bleaching the rainbow monochrome<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

not settling because annulments are abysmal<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

not cursing your skin for holding you wrong<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

not disproving of chosen families when yours hurt you<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and not dowsing the bridge that connects you to them.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I believe there is such a God out there.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

We are not these things we\u2019ve done. I do.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I don\u2019t excuse myself,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

push my ribs from the altar-cloth.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The dead stars keep my secrets like foreshadowing.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

My family! sprinting, my shoulder resoftens\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

yet a stench of singed hair and burnt flesh\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

is coming from the other side of the exploding bridge<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

where they live, my family lived,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

twists my brain like a<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

in my ash-tray lungs\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

tells me\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and it\u2019s my fault.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

the world is still and spinning<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

as my veins sting, shriek like<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

my brother\u2019s soft eyes melting out of his skull.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

oh! God no I s<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

I<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and I see what I\u2019ve lost\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

as it warms my skin.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

anonymous   Her ultimatum is 1. Isolate from the family I found \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0protective older brother with the softest eyes, 2. take a match to my last bridge \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0humble beams which lead to former lifelines \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0on nights not to be spent alone, 3. repent\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0or an infernus eternity.   Shuddering, I choose Her   strike match to… Continue Reading Advocatus diaboli<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-198","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/42"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=198"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":952,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/198\/revisions\/952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}