{"id":230,"date":"2021-04-12T19:57:19","date_gmt":"2021-04-12T19:57:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/16-2\/?page_id=230"},"modified":"2021-04-28T19:41:40","modified_gmt":"2021-04-28T19:41:40","slug":"a-vow-of-silence","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/a-vow-of-silence\/","title":{"rendered":"A Vow of Silence"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n
Megan Wheless<\/strong><\/span><\/h5>\r\n

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She stood at the altar and took a deep breath.\u00a0\u00a0She noticed how differently the stained glass window looked through her squinted, teary eyes.\u00a0\u00a0The minister nodded at her.\u00a0\u00a0This was her cue.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cTil death do us part,\u201d he repeated again.<\/p>\r\n

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She willed herself to repeat after him.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cTil death do us part,\u201d she whispered.\u00a0\u00a0She glanced at the black Bible in the minister\u2019s hands, a weighty tome dating back to her grandmother\u2019s grandmother.\u00a0\u00a0She glanced at her soon to be husband who was looking straight ahead.\u00a0\u00a0She blinked and a tear streamed down her cheek.\u00a0\u00a0When she looked up, she noticed each triangle, square, and trapezoid shape of the stained glass window interlocked and formed the image of Christ in a blue and red robe holding out his hands in peace.\u00a0\u00a0The white cross gleamed behind him.<\/p>\r\n

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Next, the exchange of rings.\u00a0\u00a0Her fingers trembled as she slid the gold band over his fat finger.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWith this ring, I thee wed,\u201d the minister stated.\u00a0\u00a0She mumbled the words.\u00a0\u00a0In the course of her twenty-two years, she imagined this moment would be different somehow.\u00a0\u00a0That the man standing before her would be her prince.\u00a0\u00a0The minister, a sovereign representation of God.\u00a0\u00a0Instead, she noticed the mid-morning sun\u2019s filtered light through the stained glass window.\u00a0\u00a0The limestone walls and the felt drapings with cut out phrases of Bible verses on either side of the altar encased the three of them.\u00a0\u00a0Her white dress was a lie, a thrift store purchase at the last minute.\u00a0\u00a0The tears teetering at the edge of her eyelids blurred and the altar window became a water-colored, pastel prism of glass.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cMay the Lord bless you and keep you,\u201d the minister announced.\u00a0\u00a0His hand outstretched over their heads.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cAmen,\u201d they called.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cAmen,\u201d the small congregation responded.<\/p>\r\n

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She turned and faced the whole lot of them.\u00a0\u00a0Her parents held their hands to their chests and smiled.\u00a0\u00a0Friends and cousins and distant family relations clapped politely then went back to indiscreetly checking their phones or gathering their belongings to wait for their cue to file out of the wooden pews.\u00a0\u00a0The organist began the recessional hymn.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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Her new husband\u2019s parents stood and sidestepped out of their pew and walked down the side aisle.\u00a0\u00a0She watched as they hurried towards the back of the church and noticed how the red door glistened when they pushed it open and sunlight streamed inside.\u00a0\u00a0She fought every urge to race down the aisle, fling the door open, and push past the callous pair and climb on top of a revving motorcycle driven by a handsome man dressed in black leather.\u00a0\u00a0She must\u2019ve been more lonesome than she thought to dream of a cliched escape like that.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cDon\u2019t worry about them,\u201d her new husband whispered into her ear.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cThey have to be at the airport earlier than planned.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0He squeezed her hand and they walked together down the aisle.\u00a0\u00a0Mr. and Mrs. now.\u00a0\u00a0The mood lightened as the guests fell in step behind them and then later wished them well in the receiving line.\u00a0\u00a0She thanked her sister as she wiped away a smudge of mascara that had dripped at the corner of her eye.<\/p>\r\n

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At the reception hall, she found herself famished and stuffed her face full of mashed potatoes, doughy chicken and noodles, and swirled her corn in the gravy.\u00a0\u00a0She tore off a crispy piece of fried chicken and dipped it in the potatoes before sucking off the salty flavor and chewing until her mouth swelled.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cThings might not be so bad after all,\u201d she rationalized to herself as she scooped another layer of mashed potatoes, corn, and coleslaw into her mouth.\u00a0\u00a0As she glanced around the darkened VFW her father had rented out for them, she saw her groom standing at an electronic slot machine smoking cigars with two of his friends.\u00a0\u00a0She could let herself feel free from his judgmental eye.\u00a0\u00a0He wouldn\u2019t know that she was on her second plate and if he did, maybe he would excuse her gluttony given that it was their wedding day after all.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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She was content for the moment.\u00a0\u00a0The joint her sister had sneaked her when they waited their turn for the photo shoot near the bushes on the church grounds had quelled her nerves.\u00a0\u00a0She smiled to herself.\u00a0\u00a0She was a grown-ass married woman now.\u00a0\u00a0Yet, in her smugness she wrestled with the truth of what she had done.\u00a0\u00a0Married out of rebellion.\u00a0\u00a0Married to prove to her mother that she was an adult and didn\u2019t need to be told how to act, to think, to live, to be.\u00a0\u00a0Married to escape criticism for choosing to go to a nearby community college after high school and dropping out after the bills her live-in boyfriend, now husband, had accumulated on their joint credit card and bank account had piled into insurmountable debt.\u00a0\u00a0At the peak of her rebellion, she had said \u201cyes\u201d to him in hopes her mother would cry and swear to behave better.\u00a0\u00a0She wished her mother wouldn\u2019t criticize her so much.\u00a0\u00a0How she wished she could get more than conditional love from her, and only that when it was convenient or served an immediate need.\u00a0\u00a0She didn\u2019t have the words or the will to tell her mother her wishes, and now found herself coloring inside the lines of someone else\u2019s scripted life.<\/p>\r\n

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Momentarily, the music stopped.\u00a0\u00a0The DJ announced for the bride and father of the bride to come to the dance floor for the father-daughter dance.\u00a0\u00a0She was the same height as her father.\u00a0\u00a0He was of medium build.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother and sister stood two inches taller than him, but she always liked that the two of them literally saw eye-to-eye.\u00a0\u00a0When she told him she was engaged, he clearly was upset.\u00a0\u00a0He squinted his eyes and pulled up his glasses and rubbed his nose.\u00a0\u00a0He sat down at the kitchen table while her mother berated her for her stupid choices in life, this one being the dumbest and most embarrassing one so far, according to her mother.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cAre you pregnant?\u201d she had demanded.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cBecause if you are, I swear I won\u2019t lie for you on that one.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m tired of lying to my friends at work and church about you.\u00a0\u00a0They still think you\u2019re at the university and only coming down once or twice a week to work at the grocery store to save more money.\u00a0\u00a0I won\u2019t lie for you if you\u2019re pregnant, though.\u00a0\u00a0We can take care of that quickly if need be.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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She wasn\u2019t pregnant of course.\u00a0\u00a0On that they were in agreement, a baby would be disastrous.\u00a0\u00a0Her father, though, didn\u2019t question her choices.\u00a0\u00a0He simply sunk down in his chair and stayed silent on the matter.\u00a0\u00a0Then, after her mother\u2019s tirade, he told her he would pay for the reception and help out in any way he could.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cIf this is what you really want?\u201d he tacked on at the end.\u00a0\u00a0Now, as they stood together on the dance floor, she looked up at him, and scrunched her face and smiled. Her pale, cherubic cheeks like delicate shelves holding her blue eyes.\u00a0\u00a0She put her arms around his neck and hugged him.\u00a0\u00a0Then, he put his arm around her waist and picked up her hand in his.\u00a0\u00a0The strobe lights stopped turning.\u00a0\u00a0A single spotlight lit them up as Patsy Cline\u2019s song \u201cCrazy\u201d wafted through the speakers.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cMrs. Faber,\u201d he said as he twirled her once around.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cHas a nice ring to it, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cMmm hmmm,\u201d she replied softly, afraid that a tear might well up and splatter on his tie.\u00a0\u00a0She glanced at him before putting her chin on his shoulder and willing the song to be over.\u00a0\u00a0She could see her aunts and uncles staring at them and side talking with their cake forks and punch glasses poised in mid air.\u00a0\u00a0She and her father turned slow circles in the middle of the room.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cAs long as you\u2019re happy, my darling, I\u2019m happy,\u201d he cooed.\u00a0\u00a0He spun her around and under his arm like they used to do on Sunday afternoons while listening to the radio in the family\u2019s small kitchen after the stressful and obligatory few hours at church followed by Sunday school.\u00a0\u00a0A requirement their mother ruled as \u201cgood old fashioned family time.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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She kissed his cheek when the music ended and they took a little bow in good humor before her father strolled back to his table and blended in with his siblings.\u00a0\u00a0She gathered the ends of her dress, bunched with tulle and lace eyelets in the classic Bo-Ho chic she and her sister loved so much, and started towards the small table where the wedding party was at.\u00a0\u00a0Her sister was only eighteen but had somehow managed to talk someone into sneaking her a beer.\u00a0\u00a0She swigged the last bit and then clanked the bottle on the table.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cHey sis,\u201d she slurred as she tried to stand up.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhere\u2019s your hubby?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cOver there,\u201d she pointed.\u00a0\u00a0He and his friends had moved towards the bar and were now doing root beer shooters from frosted mugs.\u00a0\u00a0Cheers fueled by testosterone competed with the electronic dance music now blaring from the DJ\u2019s turntable.\u00a0\u00a0She scanned the room and noticed the guest number was smaller than at the start of the afternoon\u2019s celebration.\u00a0\u00a0The floral centerpieces appeared wilted and sparkling confetti and scraps of food littered the tables.\u00a0\u00a0Young children slid across the dance floor and ran circles around their parents who were gathered in small groups throughout the reception hall.\u00a0\u00a0Their mother sat primly at the head of her table holding court.\u00a0\u00a0Her ankles were crossed and she was sitting straight in her chair with her hands folded neatly in her lap.\u00a0\u00a0A few of her mother\u2019s church friends were leaning towards her listening and sharing in the gossip.<\/p>\r\n

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Her sister stood up and walked over to her, bumping into her and clasping her elbow to stay upright.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cGina,\u201d her sister whispered, her warm breath tickling her ear and the nape of her neck.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cCome with me to the bathroom.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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Without question, she followed her little sister into the women\u2019s restroom.\u00a0\u00a0The music echoed with a dull thud when they closed the wooden door and turned the lock.\u00a0\u00a0She looked in the mirror and saw a few long strands of her blonde-streaked hair had come loose and framed her face.\u00a0\u00a0A bead of sweat formed on her upper lip and the lace covering her bosom clung to her chest.\u00a0\u00a0She turned on the faucet, ran her hands under the cold water, and dabbed her fingers across her cheeks and forehead and then her underarms before turning off the water.\u00a0\u00a0She pulled two paper towels from the dispenser and shoved one under each armpit to soak up her sweat.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cListen, Gina,\u201d her sister began, tears trickling down her chin.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t know if it\u2019s because I\u2019m drunk or what, but I need to tell you something.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She sat on the toilet, her elbows on her thighs, chin resting on her hands.\u00a0\u00a0She slumped forward and then looked up again.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cOh my God!\u00a0\u00a0What\u2019s wrong?\u201d Gina asked.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhat could possibly be wrong on my wedding day?!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0The look of distress on her sister\u2019s face stopped her anger and pettiness in midstep.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cI\u2019m pregnant,\u201d her sister said flatly.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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She stood there and let her sister\u2019s words reach into her mind and settle down into the pit of her stomach.\u00a0\u00a0The word rolled around inside of her and she let it come back up, settling in her throat like burning acid.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cPregnant?\u201d she coughed the word out like it was bile.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cHow?\u00a0\u00a0When?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cIf you don\u2019t know how, then we really have serious problems,\u201d her sister said sarcastically.\u00a0\u00a0Her sister raised her eyebrow like she used to as a child whenever her big sister annoyed her.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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She looked at her baby sister, then back into the mirror.\u00a0\u00a0She squinted her eyes like she did earlier in the church, hoping to soften the edges of her reality and the harsh lighting in the small room with pink walls and tan and blue wallpaper border.\u00a0\u00a0She turned back around to face her sister.\u00a0\u00a0An electric, panicked energy sizzled between the two of them then disappeared.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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After a few seconds, her sister spoke.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cIt was with this guy named James.\u00a0\u00a0He\u2019s in my art class at school.\u00a0\u00a0He comes every morning from the Catholic school since they don\u2019t have advanced art classes there.\u00a0\u00a0Anyway, he doesn\u2019t know.\u00a0\u00a0And I don\u2019t want him to.\u00a0\u00a0Please, please, please, don\u2019t tell mom, ok?\u00a0\u00a0I couldn\u2019t stand it if she knew.\u00a0\u00a0You know how she gets?\u00a0\u00a0I mean, look at how she handled your rushed engagement and all?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Her words tumbled out of her mouth and landed like bouncing pebbles that scattered across the floor.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cWhat do you want me to do about it?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She knew, of course, that her sister wanted her to figure out some way to get her out of this mess.\u00a0\u00a0That\u2019s how it always went with the two of them.\u00a0\u00a0Little sister made just as many, if not more, mistakes and bad decisions as she did, and she was expected to swoop in and clean up the mess before it got to their mother.\u00a0\u00a0Or, if their mother did find out, it was her duty to take their mother\u2019s criticism and wrath head on.\u00a0\u00a0It had seemed easier that way, although that was a lie, too.\u00a0\u00a0Nothing was ever really easy in that household.\u00a0\u00a0Anxiety wove its way across her chest.\u00a0\u00a0She was filled with anger and resentment and then just as quickly, her brain snapped into \u201cproblem solving mode.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cIs it too late for an abortion?\u201d she asked.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI could take you.\u00a0\u00a0You\u2019re 18 now so you don\u2019t need anyone\u2019s consent.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She felt relieved that she arrived at that conclusion so quickly.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cI was hoping,\u201d her sister said, \u201cthat I could come and live with you and Tyler after I graduated.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m graduating early, remember?\u00a0\u00a0I only have another month of school.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ll have the baby in late spring.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019d just tell people I\u2019m taking a gap semester and then I could easily start college in the fall.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cYou\u2019re not serious, are you?\u00a0\u00a0You know that mom would find out.\u00a0\u00a0We only live about an hour away.\u00a0\u00a0She\u2019ll come to see us.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0A feeling of unease squeezed around her stomach when she looked into her sister\u2019s eyes.\u00a0\u00a0Instantly, she intuited what her sister was implying.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYou want me to pretend like it\u2019s my baby, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cI\u2019ve thought this out.\u00a0\u00a0It makes sense.\u00a0\u00a0People already think you two got married because you\u2019re knocked up.\u00a0\u00a0And, by the time mom finds out it\u2019s mine, I\u2019ll be far enough along that she would have to tell other people that it\u2019s yours just to save face.\u00a0\u00a0She\u2019ll let me stay with you and I won\u2019t be a problem.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ll be like a maid for you two.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ll do the dishes, your laundry, I\u2019ll run your errands until I start showing. . .I mean, if you\u2019d like, I\u2019ll even take online classes in the summer and take care of the baby when it\u2019s born. . .\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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She said nothing as her sister continued to plead her case.\u00a0\u00a0She backed up against the sink and leaned her weight onto the cold porcelain.\u00a0\u00a0Her anger shot through her like lightning and then simmered into sparks of indignation.\u00a0\u00a0Her sister\u2019s excuses and manipulations sounded just like the false advertisements and promises their mother made whenever she needed or wanted them to go along with one of her schemes or alternative plots to their family life.\u00a0\u00a0Gina had given up on her father\u2019s protestations a long time ago, seeing them as empty threats that eventually dwindled into silence, and then later into small vices like the packet of cigarettes he hid in the empty coffee container on his workroom bench in the garage.\u00a0\u00a0There was something in her that wanted to stop all of this family deceit that attempted to make them appear like the scripted good, middle class, Christian Americans who baked apple pies on the weekends, volunteered at their local charities and town events, and attended church on a regular basis.\u00a0\u00a0Yet, here she was, a few hours into a sham marriage that she chose out of a rebellious attempt to make her mother look bad.\u00a0\u00a0What would it cost her to carry the weight of the pregnancy gossip to full term and prove others right, and her mother wrong, when she showed up around her hometown with a baby on her hip?<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cGina?\u201d her sister whimpered as she stood up next to her.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhat do you say?\u00a0\u00a0Will you do this for me?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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Of course she would.\u00a0\u00a0They both knew she would.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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She nodded her head ever so slightly and slipped an arm around her sister\u2019s waist.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cCome on, let\u2019s go back out.\u00a0People will wonder what happened to us.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m the bride, you know?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cBut, what about the baby?\u00a0\u00a0What are we going to do?\u00a0\u00a0When do you think we can tell mom and dad?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Her sister\u2019s voice wobbled.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cWe\u2019ll figure it out later.\u00a0\u00a0Until then, hold off on the booze and the smoking, ok?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She felt her sister nod slightly as she pressed her forehead up against hers and hugged her gently before releasing her.\u00a0\u00a0They headed back out to the reception hall and toward the wedding party table.\u00a0\u00a0The music had slowed down and the lead singer of Lonestar crooned the lyrics to their popular wedding song \u201cAmazed.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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Someone had turned on more lights near the guest book and wedding gifts table and a few of their aunts were milling around, snooping at the presents and comparing their purchases with each other.\u00a0\u00a0She squeezed her sister’s hand and walked to the bar.\u00a0\u00a0She would eventually have to make small talk with her husband\u2019s boyhood friends and now seemed like a good enough time as any.<\/p>\r\n

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\u201cHere\u2019s my little wifey!\u201d her husband shouted as he pulled her to him and edged her closer to the center of the group.\u00a0\u00a0She felt her midriff press into the bar and instinctively she placed her hands over her stomach, protecting the fake baby inside of her.\u00a0\u00a0She decided little gestures like these over the next few days or weeks would possibly key those around her into their suspicions and when it came time to reveal that she was pregnant, people would pretend to be surprised and happy for her.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

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But of course she knew her mother would figure out she was lying and it would only be a matter of time that she learned the truth.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Would her mother approve of her early deceit to protect the family\u2019s reputation?\u00a0\u00a0It would be one less lie her mother had to invent and she may even be proud that her daughter thought to head off the other daughter\u2019s shame by taking control of the situation early on.\u00a0\u00a0She glanced over at her mother.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother kept her hands on her lap, and she was laughing at something a friend had just said.\u00a0\u00a0No doubt she probably would later say something biting in private about that same woman.<\/p>\r\n

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Like it or not, she knew she was capable of duplicity just like her mother.\u00a0\u00a0It was at this realization she began to comprehend her predicament:\u00a0\u00a0to pretend the baby was hers meant she was unlikely to reveal her mother for the abusive, critical, intolerable person she is.\u00a0\u00a0Their mother was like a parasitic worm who lived inside her and her sister\u2019s brain and fed on their emotions.\u00a0\u00a0Gina resented the fact that fear always seemed to be the main course.<\/p>\r\n

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She refused the beer that her husband had just offered her and after his insistence wore off, he ignored her and went back to talking loudly with his friends about \u201cPizzagate\u201d and Hillary\u2019s emails.\u00a0\u00a0Her anger grew inside of her.\u00a0\u00a0Even if she did agree to pretend to be the baby\u2019s mother, and enjoyed having a little person rely solely on her, she would eventually grow tired of the lie, not to mention the late night feedings, the diaper changes, and the inevitable boredom of staring at a baby for hours on end while her husband insisted she be a stay at home mother.\u00a0\u00a0Would her mother be softer with her, somehow?\u00a0\u00a0More nurturing than when she was a child or teen?\u00a0\u00a0It seemed possible that they would bond and her mother could share her tips and tricks of taking care of a colicky baby, for example, or they could go on fun shopping sprees buying tiny onesies and cute outfits that made the baby look like a doll.\u00a0\u00a0She slipped away from her husband and his group and absent-mindedly touched her stomach again as she made her way over to her mother\u2019s table.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The last song on her requested playlist came to an end.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The DJ announced that he would leave his cards at the entrance table.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cRemember me for your next event.\u00a0\u00a0Peace out!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0The microphone squealed and made a rustling noise as he jostled it back into its holder.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The remaining guests\u2019 chatter sounded louder and more distinct now.\u00a0\u00a0She could hear snippets of their conversations.\u00a0\u00a0Her aunts were arguing about which family member died when.\u00a0\u00a0Her cousins were discussing the latest pop star\u2019s faux pas.\u00a0\u00a0Her husband\u2019s friend was listing the names of senators who apparently ran a child sex ring.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother was gossiping about a former co-worker.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0She put her hand on her back, imagining what it would be like to experience back pains.\u00a0\u00a0She also began to wonder if pregnant women walked differently or was that only when they were large and a few weeks from giving birth?<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cHere\u2019s the lovely bride,\u201d her mother said and took her hand.\u00a0\u00a0She squeezed it tightly and pulled her toward an open chair.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYou look radiant,\u201d one of the women remarked.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cAnd the chocolate cake was delightful.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWe\u2019re so glad you invited us, Lynda,\u201d another woman said to her mother.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWouldn\u2019t have missed it for the world.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She felt their eyes on her.\u00a0\u00a0Had they looked at her midsection?\u00a0\u00a0Were they trying to determine if she was showing.\u00a0\u00a0She puffed her belly out and looked down at it.\u00a0\u00a0She was so full from the meal earlier that it was easy to make it stick out.\u00a0\u00a0For added effect, she placed her hand on her belly and gently rubbed it in a casual sort of way.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She waited for them to say something, but her mother was the one in control of the conversation.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cSit up straight, dear, you are still a lady, remember?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She patted her hand and leaned in toward the women.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cGina and I found her dress at Nieman Marcus\u2019s.\u00a0\u00a0It was half off, can you believe that?\u00a0\u00a0Still pricey, of course, but still. . .half off!\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The women all cooed and a few reached out to touch her skirt and another woman fingered the lace at her shoulder.\u00a0\u00a0It was a Nieman Marcus dress, true enough, but it was at a second hand thrift store a town away.\u00a0\u00a0They found it shoved at the back of the rack in the large warehouse style building.\u00a0\u00a0It was wrapped in plastic and smelled of potpourri and moth balls.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother even took it to an out of town dry cleaner and swore she would make Gina buy her own dress if she told anyone its origins.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She could tell them all the truth now and watch their faces morph into disbelief.\u00a0\u00a0It may be fun to watch her mother fall from grace in front of them or watch her struggle to twist her words and retell the story quickly so she came out looking like the winner and garner their admiration again.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother could easily spin Gina\u2019s words and say it was a misunderstanding or claim that she purchased the dress at a high end consignment store.\u00a0\u00a0She could definitely put a chink in her mother\u2019s armor, for sure, but the battle would be short lived and she would pay a higher price for her betrayal later when they were alone.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cMom,\u201d she said.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve been feeling a little nauseous lately.\u00a0\u00a0What can I take for that?\u201d she asked innocently.\u00a0\u00a0It was time to start laying more of the groundwork if she was going to go through with the baby-switching scheme.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cHmmm?\u201d her mother asked distractedly.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s probably just leftover nerves from planning the wedding, honey.\u00a0\u00a0Your tummy will settle down.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Again, she patted her daughter\u2019s hand and tried to steer the conversation back to more comfortable territory.\u00a0\u00a0Recently her mother had received her realtor\u2019s license and was itching to make her first sale and loved to regale people with stories of showing houses that cost a half a million or more.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cYes, you\u2019re probably right, but my breasts have been achy a lot lately.\u00a0\u00a0You know, kinda like right before you get your period.\u00a0\u00a0But. . .\u201d she let her words dangle there.\u00a0\u00a0Surely one of the women would take the bait.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cNerves, dear,\u201d her mother said more cautiously.\u00a0\u00a0There was a warning tone to her voice and a fierceness flared inside her eyes.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWhy don\u2019t you go check on your father and sister and see if they\u2019re about ready to leave.\u00a0\u00a0We still need to put the table decorations away in the bins.\u00a0\u00a0Lots to do, you know?\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cOh dear!\u00a0\u00a0Look at the time,\u201d one of the women remarked.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cLynda, can we help you clean up?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0They all focused their attention on attending to her mother.\u00a0\u00a0Their need to be useful and please her instantly had whipped them into worker bees serving their queen.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother had that effect on people.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cOh, you\u2019re so kind.\u00a0\u00a0That would be very helpful.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Her mother scooted her chair back and stood up and the other women followed suit.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cGina, go, please.\u00a0\u00a0Check on your father and sister.\u00a0\u00a0I don\u2019t want to be here all evening.\u00a0\u00a0My feet are killing me in these shoes.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She did as she was told.\u00a0\u00a0She could tell by her mother\u2019s tone of voice that there would be yelling in private.\u00a0\u00a0For now, she had unsettled her enough to be pushed out of the conversation.\u00a0\u00a0She looked around the reception hall.\u00a0\u00a0The lights were on now, giving the tables, the decorations, the laminate wood paneling, and the shutters that divided the dining hall from the kitchen a harsh edge to them.\u00a0\u00a0She squinted her eyes and tried to make everything blurry and soft again like she did in the church.\u00a0\u00a0But it didn\u2019t work this time.\u00a0\u00a0She couldn\u2019t conjure any tears.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

About an hour later, when the last guests had said their goodbyes, Gina and her family were all standing there in the middle of the dance floor waiting for their mother to return from the restroom.\u00a0\u00a0Tyler was drunk and could barely stand and was leaning up against the wall and the food serving nook.\u00a0\u00a0Her father fumbled with his boutonniere and her sister incessantly scrolled through her phone, her thumbs flying over the screen shooting off texts every few seconds.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhat are you all staring at?\u00a0\u00a0Pick up some boxes and let\u2019s move,\u201d their mother growled when she came out of the bathroom.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cTyler, get in the van, now.\u00a0\u00a0I swear you are all hopeless.\u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s like I have to do everything myself.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

They jumped into action and Tyler quickly sobered up enough to walk himself outside.\u00a0\u00a0Gina hoped he wouldn\u2019t pee out there.\u00a0\u00a0She didn\u2019t want a repeat of that night her mother caught him peeing in her flower garden.\u00a0\u00a0There had been a lot of screaming and threats to call the cops and insults that he was a disgrace and her daughter was a slut for dating someone like him.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Gina threw the last of the wilted flowers in the large trash can near one of the boxes.\u00a0\u00a0She wondered if a pregnant woman should be doing any heavy lifting in the first trimester.\u00a0\u00a0She folded the box\u2019s lid and determined that it would be more authentic if she scooted it with her foot to the door and had her dad load it in his truck.\u00a0\u00a0There was something about the thought of pretending to be pregnant that made her feel powerful.\u00a0\u00a0Things could be different in her life, if only for a short while, and others would cater to her needs.\u00a0\u00a0And when her sister started to show and their mother found out, maybe they would both be grateful enough that she was willing to take on this burden and play the role that they would treat her with the respect she felt she deserved.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cGina!\u201d her mother bellowed.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cFor Christ\u2019s sake move your lazy ass and pick up the box.\u00a0\u00a0We don\u2019t have time for your daydreams.\u00a0\u00a0Your day is over.\u00a0\u00a0You had the spotlight.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m tired and I want to go home.\u00a0\u00a0Get a move on it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBitch,\u201d she whispered under her breath.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cWhat did you say?\u201d her mother stopped and flipped her head around.\u00a0\u00a0She held the door open with her hip and glared as Gina picked up the box and walked past her.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother slapped her on the side of the head.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYour hairdo looks terrible.\u00a0\u00a0I told you that style wouldn\u2019t last.\u00a0\u00a0Move, missy.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She turned around and glared at her mother, the fear and anger rising inside of her.\u00a0\u00a0Her face flushed and her nostrils flared.\u00a0\u00a0She could easily hit her or knock her mother down if she wanted to.\u00a0\u00a0Her fingers clasped the edges of the box and she clenched her jaw to maintain her control and then stepped fully into the chilly autumn evening.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her mother brushed past her and began barking orders at her father and sister.\u00a0\u00a0Gina breathed a sigh of relief that they were now in her line of fire instead.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The boxes were all stacked in her father\u2019s truck and her sister slid into the passenger seat as her dad approached her and gave her another long hug.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cBe safe.\u00a0\u00a0Mom\u2019s going to drive you guys to the hotel.\u00a0\u00a0Make Tyler take a few aspirin and drink some water before he goes to bed.\u00a0\u00a0He\u2019s going to have quite the hangover tomorrow.\u00a0\u00a0But I\u2019m glad you kids had fun.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cBye dad,\u201d she said and kissed him on the cheek.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI\u2019ll see you tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She waved at her sister who mouthed \u201cThank you\u201d through the window.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Reluctantly, Gina turned and headed towards her mother\u2019s minivan.\u00a0\u00a0Her legs felt like lead and she felt a trembling in her calves, sure signs that her fear was beginning to take hold.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

She opened the passenger door and climbed in.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYour husband is passed out in the back and he stinks,\u201d her mother admonished.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI hope you two are happy with yourselves.\u00a0\u00a0The booze bill alone is going to be outrageous.\u00a0\u00a0I told your father we didn\u2019t need to have an open bar.\u00a0\u00a0But he does too much for you as it is.\u00a0\u00a0Don\u2019t forget to put on your seatbelt.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She put the car in gear and backed out of the parking lot.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Gina drew herself inward and steeled herself for more criticisms her mother was gearing up to unload.\u00a0\u00a0Thankfully they were going to be staying at the honeymoon suite in the nearby Holiday Inn so they could have a meal tomorrow with her family and open wedding presents.\u00a0\u00a0She could endure a fifteen minute car ride as opposed to an hour long one to the town where she and Tyler lived.\u00a0\u00a0Three stoplights later and not a word was uttered between the three of them.\u00a0\u00a0Tyler\u2019s head was propped up on the head rest and he appeared passed out.\u00a0\u00a0Gina risked a sideways glance at her mother, whose hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were white.\u00a0\u00a0Her mother\u2019s silent indifference unnerved her because it meant Gina didn\u2019t know if she was safe for now or if her mother was strategizing a new way to hurt her.\u00a0\u00a0The unpredictability of her mother\u2019s moods had always left her and her sister and their dad in a perpetual state of alert.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

When they arrived at the hotel, Tyler woke up and grumbled about needing to pee.\u00a0\u00a0Fortunately, her mother had their room key in her bag and handed it to him.\u00a0\u00a0He rolled out of the van and stumbled inside towards the lobby.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cHe\u2019ll be fine,\u201d her mother said in a honey dipped tone.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cBesides, I need to talk to you alone, Gina.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Gina froze.\u00a0\u00a0Adrenaline began pumping throughout her body and her fingers became cold and her armpits began to sweat.\u00a0\u00a0Alone like this she had no defense against her mother.\u00a0\u00a0All her life being alone was a darkness that haunted her.\u00a0\u00a0Alone was where bad things were said and feelings stripped away.\u00a0\u00a0Alone was never where she wanted to be but also where she found herself most of the time.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI know your sister is pregnant,\u201d her mother began.\u00a0\u00a0She held up her hand to stop Gina\u2019s protest.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI found a pregnancy test at the bottom of the trash a few weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cOh,\u201d Gina exhaled.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cWow.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0She felt her buttocks tense and a sudden urge to pee.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cI was wondering,\u201d her mother began, \u201cIf you two had talked yet?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

In the pause that followed those words, she knew that her mother and sister had conspired against her.\u00a0\u00a0Knew that the plan for her to be the scapegoat was in the makings as the three of them planned for the wedding and spent countless hours shopping for party favors, tasting the cake, paying the caterer, and buying their makeup.\u00a0\u00a0She knew they had banked on her need to solve their problems.\u00a0\u00a0They counted on the fact that her loyalty to them was greater than her self worth.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

This was her chance.\u00a0\u00a0She only had to say \u201cno\u201d and not agree to go along with the scheme.\u00a0\u00a0She took a deep breath and steadied her nerves.\u00a0\u00a0She had agreed to a marriage.\u00a0\u00a0Had agreed to the dress her mother chose.\u00a0\u00a0Had agreed to the cake and the party favors and table decorations.\u00a0\u00a0But, she wasn\u2019t going to agree to this.\u00a0\u00a0Her imagination had gotten the best of her back at the reception.\u00a0\u00a0Her growing need to pretend she was special, and could be a mother that could take care of a baby, was irrational.\u00a0\u00a0She should protect herself.\u00a0\u00a0She should take her stand.<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Right at the critical moment, when the words were beginning to form themselves in her throat, her mother pushed a strand of Gina\u2019s hair behind her ear.\u00a0\u00a0Her touch was so soft.\u00a0\u00a0So loving.\u00a0\u00a0A kind gesture.\u00a0\u00a0She cupped Gina\u2019s chin in her hand, her manicured fingernails poking ever so slightly into Gina\u2019s soft skin.\u00a0\u00a0A smile broadened across her face.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cGina, my love, I\u2019m sorry I\u2019ve been so hard on you lately.\u00a0\u00a0I just wanted your wedding day to be perfect, that\u2019s all.\u00a0\u00a0You\u2019re my oldest.\u00a0\u00a0My baby.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m so glad you had a nice day.\u00a0\u00a0Promise me you will think about that and all the sacrifices I\u2019ve made for you both over the years.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Her mother coated her words with buttery overtones and placed her hand onto Gina\u2019s cheek .\u00a0\u00a0\u201cI love you.\u00a0\u00a0Do you love me, my sweet, sweet girl?\u201d she whispered. She slid her hand off and Gina felt her fingernails scrape against her skin before her mother withdrew her hand.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n

\u201cI do,\u201d Gina said as she placed her hand on top of her belly and imagined saying the same words to her child one day, and meaning it.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Megan Wheless   She stood at the altar and took a deep breath.\u00a0\u00a0She noticed how differently the stained glass window looked through her squinted, teary eyes.\u00a0\u00a0The minister nodded at her.\u00a0\u00a0This was her cue.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cTil death do us part,\u201d he repeated again.   She willed herself to repeat after him.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cTil death do us part,\u201d she whispered.\u00a0\u00a0She glanced… Continue Reading A Vow of Silence<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-230","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/42"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=230"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":775,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/230\/revisions\/775"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=230"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}