{"id":462,"date":"2021-04-14T21:37:22","date_gmt":"2021-04-14T21:37:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/16-2\/?page_id=462"},"modified":"2021-04-28T19:51:33","modified_gmt":"2021-04-28T19:51:33","slug":"anxiety-a-complex-anagram","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/anxiety-a-complex-anagram\/","title":{"rendered":"Anxiety: a complex anagram"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n
Elora<\/span><\/strong><\/h5>\r\n

 <\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

ANYTHING-ANYTHING-ANYTHING BUT<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

did you turn off the stove?<\/em>\u00a0fuck, did\u00a0i\u00a0turn off the stove?\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

it’s too late to go back –\u00a0you have to go\u00a0<\/em>back<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

i\u00a0turned it off\u00a0i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0–\u00a0what if the apartment burns down?<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

no.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around<\/em>\u00a0–\u00a0damn.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

NOW\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0know\u00a0i<\/em>\u00a0know<\/em>\u00a0i\u00a0should leave but\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

isolation is a lover\u00a0i\u00a0have acquired to\u00a0crave –<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

its arms are so warm compared to those of\u00a0others\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and it won’t ask me any questions when\u00a0i\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

smash my head into a pillow and\u00a0scream<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

XYLOPHONES – RING! RING! – IN MY HEAD<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

sometimes\u00a0i\u00a0pretend that my hands are not hands but\u00a0grass\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and that their sweat is not sweat but leftover dew from the night before\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and that my body is not my body but a star on the brink of ruin –\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

oh<\/em>, to eliminate my flesh in a burst of light!\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

(<\/em>it\u2019s<\/em>\u00a0easier to romanticize this way)\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

INSIDE MY CHEST \u2013 WALLS COLLAPSE<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

there are rubber bands spiraled taut around my\u00a0lungs\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

begging to be\u00a0gripped\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0pulled\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0snapped –\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

but all they can manage to do is recoil tighter against my\u00a0breath\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

(my fingers cannot crawl deep enough to tear them away)<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

so\u00a0i\u00a0settle for exhaustion\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

EATING ME WHOLE\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

nervous worms in my stomach wriggle and writhe,\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

forcing me to take knees at the toilet as if groveling at the foot of a monarch\u2019s throne –\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

i\u00a0wretch for relief until the taste of acid cannot be drowned by\u00a0water\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

and when\u00a0i\u2019m\u00a0done the only thought\u00a0i\u00a0can think is\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cat least this way\u00a0<\/em>i<\/em>\u00a0may end up\u00a0<\/em>skinny<\/em>\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN’T STOP\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

everything seems like everything but feels like nothing at the same\u00a0time\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

3-3-3! soap, curtain, shampoo\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

3-3! shower, music, heartbeat\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

3! wrist, ankle, toes\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

(if you understand this,\u00a0<\/em>i<\/em>\u00a0am so sorry)<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u00a0YELLING FROM WITHIN<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

p.s. the stove was not on.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Elora   ANYTHING-ANYTHING-ANYTHING BUT\u00a0 did you turn off the stove?\u00a0fuck, did\u00a0i\u00a0turn off the stove?\u00a0 it’s too late to go back –\u00a0you have to go\u00a0back\u00a0\u00a0 i\u00a0turned it off\u00a0i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0–\u00a0what if the apartment burns down?\u00a0 no.\u00a0 turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around, turn around\u00a0–\u00a0damn.\u00a0\u00a0 NOW\u00a0\u00a0 i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0know\u00a0i\u00a0should leave but\u00a0\u00a0 isolation is a lover\u00a0i\u00a0have acquired to\u00a0crave –\u00a0 its… Continue Reading Anxiety: a complex anagram<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":40,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-462","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/40"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=462"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":782,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/462\/revisions\/782"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/16-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}