Yasmin Odeh
A disappointment. What a betrayal. This feeling of true failure on my part to not have recognized the true colors of someone I’ve held so dear and close to my vulnerable and mindless heart. It aches and for answers. For solutions. For reasons. In confusion and agony, anxiety is striking me like I’m the wife of an alcoholic, soulless perpetrator. Why?
But why? Why lie? Why go behind the backs of people who’ve done nothing but baby you and care for you? Pamper you and provide for you? All of your essentials have been no worry to you. You’ve been the toddler being handed a baby bottle filled with warm milk not questioning or acknowledging where the bottle came. You never appreciated the fact that your caregiver had to use a formula to create the milk. Or how they had to warm the bottle and screw the cap on tight enough so you couldn’t spill.
Shunning any gratitude… you live at no cost to yourself. And I thought we were coexisting similarly, but we’re paying a high price, unknowingly. You’re no longer the angel deserving of affection and consideration. I’ve known, but I’ve refused to trust my instincts due to my immense love for you, and due to how highly I’ve thought of you… to the regard I’ve held you to, and to the purity and willfulness I’ve sought to mask you with. Because I had faith in you, I’ve looked the other way.
Ouch. I ache. The feeling of simultaneous disappointment, betrayal, and frustration—it is unfair to me. And to all of us. It’s been that we’ve given without yield. But this revelation demonstrated giving without yield, privacy, security, trust, integrity, and safety. You’ve violated us.
Lenient is all we’ve been. Helplessly posing is only degrading. Could this register? And your deeds hurt so much more than they should because of how important you are to me. Because I’ve defended you. I’ve had your back since day one. Sympathizing with your indigence—consequential to your idle quality, I’ve covered your needs with no second thought. No matter which perpetrators mouthed off behind you or what words were thrown around with your name, I was always on the defense. The number of times I’ve been left balling after being your alibi… none of it seemed to be worth it now. Sacrifices are made when worthiness and better outcomes are present or foreseeable, but discerning whether the presence or possibility of worth and laudability is real can be a challenge to accurately predict. In my case, I’ve failed.
Vigorously acting as a servant… I really, truly did not want to believe you use people the way you do. I did not want to think much of the first red flag. And I didn’t. I hoped it’d do you well, or at least better than it could’ve done me. I’ve been passive. Passive when you demonstrated a lack of action to accompany your active mouth. Understanding of your oddities and past traumas… collecting your dynamic and stories to formulate justifications for your heartlessness. I’ve been this for you. Without support and with controversy, I stood for and with you only to warrant treachery. I’ve been forbearing for nothing but anguish. Ignorance can really be bliss, huh.
Enduringly, possessing the indulgent trait has quite the list of tacit lessons. Thank you for unveiling yourself, even though you hadn’t explicitly or intentionally. A pure soul is never left with a lie or blinded. The truth can only hide for so long. Experiences like these are only a service to my wisdom.
Deprived of sanity, I’ll still walk my virtues. I am leaving a short room of frustration and infuriation for the greater good of myself and the world. Grudges are useless and degrading to all parties. Life’s encounters are just unavoidable, realistic forms of schooling. I feed them to my intuition yet allow them to grow my bandaged heart even more. Be that as it may, disappointment stays existent, maybe until change prevails.