{"id":240,"date":"2021-11-28T23:03:51","date_gmt":"2021-11-28T23:03:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/17-1\/?page_id=240"},"modified":"2021-11-28T23:03:51","modified_gmt":"2021-11-28T23:03:51","slug":"earl-mcswagger","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/earl-mcswagger\/","title":{"rendered":"Earl McSwagger"},"content":{"rendered":"
Chris Skiles<\/h5>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0sleeps\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In a\u00a0trenchcoat\u00a0in\u00a0sunglasses,\u2014<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

the collars pulled up.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0brushes his teeth<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With\u00a0sulphuric\u00a0acid, to make them\u00a0more shiny.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0has a dog that sleeps at his\u00a0feet;<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He calls him the \u201cDuke of Earl.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0sleeps on a rug<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He fashioned himself, from the bull<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

that killed the President of Columbia.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Part II.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0lives in a tiny house<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Him and his dad built.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In bursts Satan Gang.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u2019s\u00a0sleeping.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He pulls out his gun, but knows<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

His arm is not right; might break,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After Dr. Sol sewed him up wrong<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In\u00a0Nicaraugua.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He knows he must pull the<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Trigger, before his arm breaks<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The tendon in the fractured bone.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And he does. The leader\u00a0collapses dead<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Off the porch,\u00a0Like\u00a0turds pressed<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Out of a can.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0blows off his gun,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And goes back to sleep.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Part III.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Next day Earl\u00a0McSwagger<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Is reading the Newspaper, and\u00a0he<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sees someone calling himself<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEarl\u00a0McSwagger,\u201d And Earl<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

McSwagger, he sighs, and<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Says, \u201cPeople can try, but Nobody<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

could be me.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Pt. IV<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0smokes cigarettes.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When he runs out of cigarettes, he smokes a pipe.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When he runs out of pipe, he smokes his fingernails, which are<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

illegal in 48 states.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Killed a man\u2014<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The gun didn’t taste so good<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

he didn’t pull the trigger.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0made a porno once<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But it was banned, for blood<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But not from the woman\u2019s crotch\u2014<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The come came like a gunshot.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Doesn’t sleep with women<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s always them<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Who don’t call the next\u00a0day<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead sleeping with every\u00a0man\u00a0they see<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Because he made them feel\u00a0<\/span>inferior<\/span><\/i>.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0likes the Beatles<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But doesn’t always listen to\u00a0them;<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He prefers classical sometimes,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Over John Lennon.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thinks\u00a0video-games\u00a0are for the weak-minded<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Fools, but maybe<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s why girls like them.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Someone wrote a poem about Earl\u00a0McSwagger, once<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A man on a mountain.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Had a crazy beard\u2014<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

No one liked him.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Except maybe the bears.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe<\/span>\u00a0they<\/span><\/i>\u00a0cared.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Is a double agent.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He spies on who he wants<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

On how he\u2019s feeling that day; no one<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Disagrees.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At the annual Christmas party,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He was confronted by his boss<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But the port worked nicely.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl Swagger lives in Alaska<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In the shade of the mountain.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The\u00a0sitka\u00a0pines grow tall<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The sun sets outside his lake.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0was once<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Kicked out of France<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

For climbing the Eiffel Tower, nude<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The girls disagreed, disapproved<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He should have worm something,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

An American Flag perhaps.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But the crotch was disappointing.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The P.M. asked him back<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Because there was something about his back<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That needed breaking.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But there\u2019s another poem in the making.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0runs\u00a0ultra marathons<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He likes to train in\u00a0quakes;<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He says there good for his quads.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In California\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0found gold<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But gave it to orphans\u2014<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

it weighed too much.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Somebody tried to rob him of it<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But he slipped into\u00a0a\u00a0arroyo<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And slid down the mountain,\u00a0telling\u00a0that mountain<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To eat the man.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mountain said, \u201cReally? He hasn’t showered in weeks!\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So\u00a0Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0washed the man in the stream<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Making sure to get behind the ears<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Before the mountain had man on the cob.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It spared the rubber ducky.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSomething\u2019s\u00a0fucky,\u201d Earl\u00a0MCSwagger\u00a0said.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And hitched on an eagle\u2019s back<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Back to Alaska,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Where he watched the sun set,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Over the lake,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Behind the pines.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Catholic church<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Once asked Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0for advice.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0declined, for now, saying<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

God would get back to him.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chris Skiles Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0sleeps\u00a0\u00a0 In a\u00a0trenchcoat\u00a0in\u00a0sunglasses,\u2014\u00a0 the collars pulled up.\u00a0 \u00a0 Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0brushes his teeth\u00a0 With\u00a0sulphuric\u00a0acid, to make them\u00a0more shiny.\u00a0 \u00a0 Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0has a dog that sleeps at his\u00a0feet;\u00a0 He calls him the \u201cDuke of Earl.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0 Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0sleeps on a rug\u00a0 He fashioned himself, from the bull\u00a0 that killed the President of Columbia.\u00a0 \u00a0 Part II.\u00a0 Earl\u00a0McSwagger\u00a0lives in… <\/p>\n

Read more Earl McSwagger<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":48,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-240","page","type-page","status-publish","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/240","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/48"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=240"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/240\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":433,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/240\/revisions\/433"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}