A<\/strong> <\/span> disappointment. What a betrayal. This feeling of true failure on my part to not have recognized the true colors of someone I\u2019ve held so dear and close to my vulnerable and mindless heart. It aches and for answers. For solutions. For reasons. In confusion and agony, anxiety is striking me like I\u2019m the wife of an alcoholic, soulless perpetrator. Why?<\/p>\n B<\/span><\/strong>ut why? Why lie? Why go behind the backs of people who\u2019ve done nothing but baby you and care for you? Pamper you and provide for you? All of your essentials have been no worry to you. You\u2019ve been the toddler being handed a baby bottle filled with warm milk not questioning or acknowledging where the bottle came. You never appreciated the fact that your caregiver had to use a formula to create the milk. Or how they had to warm the bottle and screw the cap on tight enough so you couldn\u2019t spill.<\/p>\n S<\/span><\/strong>hunning any gratitude\u2026 you live at no cost to yourself. And I thought we were coexisting similarly, but we\u2019re paying a high price, unknowingly. You\u2019re no longer the angel deserving of affection and consideration. I\u2019ve known, but I\u2019ve refused to trust my instincts due to my immense love for you, and due to how highly I\u2019ve thought of you\u2026 to the regard I\u2019ve held you to, and to the purity and willfulness I\u2019ve sought to mask you with. Because I had faith in you, I\u2019ve looked the other way.<\/p>\n O<\/span><\/strong>uch. I ache. The feeling of simultaneous disappointment, betrayal, and frustration\u2014it is unfair to me. And to all of us. It\u2019s been that we\u2019ve given without yield. But this revelation demonstrated giving without yield, privacy, security, trust, integrity, and safety. You\u2019ve violated us.<\/p>\n L<\/span><\/strong>enient is all we\u2019ve been. Helplessly posing is only degrading. Could this register? And your deeds hurt so much more than they should because of how important you are to me. Because I\u2019ve defended you. I\u2019ve had your back since day one. Sympathizing with your indigence\u2014consequential to your idle quality, I\u2019ve covered your needs with no second thought. No matter which perpetrators mouthed off behind you or what words were thrown around with your name, I was always on the defense. The number of times I\u2019ve been left balling after being your alibi\u2026 none of it seemed to be worth it now. Sacrifices are made when worthiness and better outcomes are present or foreseeable, but discerning whether the presence or possibility of worth and laudability is real can be a challenge to accurately predict. In my case, I\u2019ve failed.<\/p>\n V<\/span><\/strong>igorously acting as a servant\u2026 I really, truly did not want to believe you use people the way you do. I did not want to think much of the first red flag. And I didn\u2019t. I hoped it\u2019d do you well, or at least better than it could\u2019ve done me. I\u2019ve been passive. Passive when you demonstrated a lack of action to accompany your active mouth. Understanding of your oddities and past traumas\u2026 collecting your dynamic and stories to formulate justifications for your heartlessness. I\u2019ve been this for you. Without support and with controversy, I stood for and with you only to warrant treachery. I\u2019ve been forbearing for nothing but anguish. Ignorance can really be bliss, huh.<\/p>\n E<\/span><\/strong>nduringly, possessing the indulgent trait has quite the list of tacit lessons. Thank you for unveiling yourself, even though you hadn\u2019t explicitly or intentionally. A pure soul is never left with a lie or blinded. The truth can only hide for so long. Experiences like these are only a service to my wisdom.<\/p>\n D<\/span><\/strong>eprived of sanity, I\u2019ll still walk my virtues. I am leaving a short room of frustration and infuriation for the greater good of myself and the world. Grudges are useless and degrading to all parties. Life\u2019s encounters are just unavoidable, realistic forms of schooling. I feed them to my intuition yet allow them to grow my bandaged heart even more. Be that as it may, disappointment stays existent, maybe until change prevails.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Yasmin Odeh A disappointment. What a betrayal. This feeling of true failure on my part to not have recognized the true colors of someone I\u2019ve held so dear and close to my vulnerable and mindless heart. It aches and for answers. For solutions. For reasons. In confusion and agony, anxiety is striking me like I\u2019m… <\/p>\n