Cara Forbes

 

I.

I knocked on the door and asked for God but all I got was a room full of endless mirrors showing me every damn angle of myself.
I screamed and thrashed, tried to crack the mirrors with my fists or maybe shatter them with my shrieks.
Everywhere I turned I looked for God, like if I just turned fast enough I would catch It disappearing around the corner.
Too slow. Too slow. Spin faster.
But all I ever saw was a lost little girl with tear-stained cheeks, spinning in relentless circles.
Spinning and spinning and spinning.
I closed my eyes and felt It in the tingling of my veins, in the depth of my breath, in the softness of my skin.
I knocked on the door but God was already inside me.
I knocked on the door and all I got was Myself.

 

II.

I will never stop seeking.
The ache of you will always possess me.
A constant lingering,
A pungent perfume that never fades.
You are always there, if not in the forefront,
then prowling in the peripheries,
My mind forever tuned in to your frequency,
Buzzing like a background hum.
I don’t know if I want you to disappear completely,
or show yourself entirely.
Or if there is any real difference between the two.

 

III.

I drown myself in the abstract.
My lungs fill with ancient
swirls of color.
Past, present, and future
coalesce
To push me under
Down

Down

Down, we go
Into the depth of a rhythmic ocean
Pulsating in lights and sounds and shapes,
Nature’s very own disco.
Symbols dance beneath glittering rocks

of worlds past,

Metaphors drift by on the ocean floor.
Is this the Heaven they all dreamed of?
Is this the home they all yearned for?
Oh, but I have been here all along.
Oh, but We have been here all along.

 

IV.

Stop fighting
Relinquish it all to me
Let it rest in the fabric of the Creator,
It was stitched with love for you

Let go, release, move forth with ease
Do not question where you place your steps,

Just walk.

Do not think of reaching the right notes,

Just sing.

 

Let the pressure within you collapse.
Dam bursting, water flowing,
Life flows, the force rushes through your veins.

Oh, my little puzzle piece of love,
My wonderful machine of beauty,
I am with you, I am in you
I am You.

I spin my webs through your core.
Let me run, let me go,
Resist me not, let Us flow.

 

V.

The weight of existence crushes me.
I twitch and I tick, itching to get out of here,
scratching this skin raw.
Where is the Heaven that No One promised me?
I want to feel the endless falling,

the eternal release, weightless.

I am Existence, and my own weight crushes me.
Love me, like me. I know you admire me.
Am I good enough? Am I perfect yet?
Accept me, please.
I want to be surrounded, blanketed in

Everything.

Suffocate me. In warmth, in comfort, in love,
Let me pass.
Let me go Home.
I am dizzy, motionsick. I am begging you, World,

please stop spinning on your axis,

These waves are too much for me.
I want to be stagnant, still. Let me
Fester like dirty old water, gnats flying around me
Gnats in my hair, gnats in my skin. They are
Buzzing. They are buzzing. Stop buzzing.
I want to be Idle. The idleness
Kills me. I want to move, I want to dance,
I want to sing, I want to shine,
I want to cry.
I want to exist, to really exist.
The weight of existence crushes me.
I am terrified of what comes next,
I am terrified of what comes now,
Eternal now, I bless you and I
praise you. I hate you and I despise you.
You are not good enough for me,

nothing is good enough for me.

Where is the Heaven that No One promised me?
You’ve deceived me, You sicken me.
Now, please just hold me. Surround me.
Suffocate me, hate me back,
Please, God, hate me back.
Love me. Free me.
I want to feel the endless falling,

the eternal release, weightless.

Weightless, I am nothing.
I am everything, and it overwhelms me.
It kills me.
I can’t be here anymore. I can’t Be Here Now.
I’ve failed here. I’ve failed.
I wasn’t meant to be here.
I wasn’t meant to Be
Unloved.
Love me.

 

VI.

My God, this is innocent and boundless,
pure and unconditional!
It is intrinsic, natural, I could not undo it if I tried.

I can see nothing sweeter than you, Blessed One.
Nothing so perfect, so earthly
A vessel of virgin love,
Untouched honey.

You do not try to be anything, you just are,
And I love you in your wholly untempered form.
You burst my heart with golden light!

 

VII.

Just this.
This too.