<\/p>\n
I.<\/p>\n
I knocked on the door and asked for God but all I got was a room full of endless mirrors showing me every damn angle of myself.
\nI screamed and thrashed, tried to crack the mirrors with my fists or maybe shatter them with my shrieks.
\nEverywhere I turned I looked for God, like if I just turned fast enough I would catch It disappearing around the corner.
\nToo slow. Too slow. Spin faster.
\nBut all I ever saw was a lost little girl with tear-stained cheeks, spinning in relentless circles.
\nSpinning and spinning and spinning.
\nI closed my eyes and felt It in the tingling of my veins, in the depth of my breath, in the softness of my skin.
\nI knocked on the door but God was already inside me.
\nI knocked on the door and all I got was Myself.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
II.<\/p>\n
I will never stop seeking.
\nThe ache of you will always possess me.
\nA constant lingering,
\nA pungent perfume that never fades.
\nYou are always there, if not in the forefront,
\nthen prowling in the peripheries,
\nMy mind forever tuned in to your frequency,
\nBuzzing like a background hum.
\nI don\u2019t know if I want you to disappear completely,
\nor show yourself entirely.
\nOr if there is any real difference between the two.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
III.<\/p>\n
I drown myself in the abstract.
\nMy lungs fill with ancient
\nswirls of color.
\nPast, present, and future
\ncoalesce
\nTo push me under
\nDown<\/p>\n
Down<\/p>\n
Down, we go
\nInto the depth of a rhythmic ocean
\nPulsating in lights and sounds and shapes,
\nNature\u2019s very own disco.
\nSymbols dance beneath glittering rocks<\/p>\n
of worlds past,<\/p>\n
Metaphors drift by on the ocean floor.
\nIs this the Heaven they all dreamed of?
\nIs this the home they all yearned for?
\nOh, but I have been here all along.
\nOh, but We have been here all along.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
IV.<\/p>\n
Stop fighting
\nRelinquish it all to me
\nLet it rest in the fabric of the Creator,
\nIt was stitched with love for you<\/p>\n
Let go, release, move forth with ease
\nDo not question where you place your steps,<\/p>\n
Just walk.<\/p>\n
Do not think of reaching the right notes,<\/p>\n
Just sing.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Let the pressure within you collapse.
\nDam bursting, water flowing,
\nLife flows, the force rushes through your veins.<\/p>\n
Oh, my little puzzle piece of love,
\nMy wonderful machine of beauty,
\nI am with you, I am in you
\nI am You.<\/p>\n
I spin my webs through your core.
\nLet me run, let me go,
\nResist me not, let Us flow.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
V.<\/p>\n
The weight of existence crushes me.
\nI twitch and I tick, itching to get out of here,
\nscratching this skin raw.
\nWhere is the Heaven that No One promised me?
\nI want to feel the endless falling,<\/p>\n
the eternal release, weightless.<\/p>\n
I am Existence, and my own weight crushes me.
\nLove me, like me. I know you admire me.
\nAm I good enough? Am I perfect yet?
\nAccept me, please.
\nI want to be surrounded, blanketed in<\/p>\n
Everything.<\/p>\n
Suffocate me. In warmth, in comfort, in love,
\nLet me pass.
\nLet me go Home.
\nI am dizzy, motionsick. I am begging you, World,<\/p>\n
please stop spinning on your axis,<\/p>\n
These waves are too much for me.
\nI want to be stagnant, still. Let me
\nFester like dirty old water, gnats flying around me
\nGnats in my hair, gnats in my skin. They are
\nBuzzing. They are buzzing. Stop buzzing.
\nI want to be Idle. The idleness
\nKills me. I want to move, I want to dance,
\nI want to sing, I want to shine,
\nI want to cry.
\nI want to exist, to really exist.
\nThe weight of existence crushes me.
\nI am terrified of what comes next,
\nI am terrified of what comes now,
\nEternal now, I bless you and I
\npraise you. I hate you and I despise you.
\nYou are not good enough for me,<\/p>\n
nothing is good enough for me.<\/p>\n
Where is the Heaven that No One promised me?
\nYou\u2019ve deceived me, You sicken me.
\nNow, please just hold me. Surround me.
\nSuffocate me, hate me back,
\nPlease, God, hate me back.
\nLove me. Free me.
\nI want to feel the endless falling,<\/p>\n
the eternal release, weightless.<\/p>\n
Weightless, I am nothing.
\nI am everything, and it overwhelms me.
\nIt kills me.
\nI can\u2019t be here anymore. I can\u2019t Be Here Now.
\nI\u2019ve failed here. I\u2019ve failed.
\nI wasn\u2019t meant to be here.
\nI wasn\u2019t meant to Be
\nUnloved.
\nLove me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
VI.<\/p>\n
My God, this is innocent and boundless,
\npure and unconditional!
\nIt is intrinsic, natural, I could not undo it if I tried.<\/p>\n
I can see nothing sweeter than you, Blessed One.
\nNothing so perfect, so earthly
\nA vessel of virgin love,
\nUntouched honey.<\/p>\n
You do not try to be anything, you just are,
\nAnd I love you in your wholly untempered form.
\nYou burst my heart with golden light!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
VII.<\/p>\n
Just this.
\nThis too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Cara Forbes I. I knocked on the door and asked for God but all I got was a room full of endless mirrors showing me every damn angle of myself. I screamed and thrashed, tried to crack the mirrors with my fists or maybe shatter them with my shrieks. Everywhere I turned I looked […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":0,"parent":17,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-316","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry","clear"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/45"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=316"}],"version-history":[{"count":17,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/316\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":687,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/316\/revisions\/687"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/17"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/17-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}