Earl McSwagger; puts up a dagger<\/p>\n
When Satan Gang pulls out a gun.<\/p>\n
They see the point in him; then they see the point in the dagger,<\/p>\n
And then they turn around and run.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n
Fought in Nam; they sent him back, though<\/p>\n
Because with him they were winning too fast.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I can fight for the other side,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Then they pointed him to Afghanistan.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In Afghanistan, he started to like:<\/p>\n
The Russians, the French, the Albanians, the Australians\u2014 everyone, but the<\/p>\n
Swiss, and thought something amiss. So he<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
decided to take up sheep-herding, in the mountains.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He did this for three years, and seeing the people<\/p>\n
Raped and pillaged by the Americans enough, he decided<\/p>\n
to take to the sea, where he<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
made a lifeboat out of turtles. The Caribbean gov\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Tried to tax him, but he said<\/p>\n
\u201cThese turtles will live another two hundred years\u2014 that\u2019s not fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
And they agreed.<\/p>\n
So he cut off a lock of his hair, and gave it to them<\/p>\n
And now it\u2019s in the British National History Museum.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger memorized the Bible,<\/p>\n
But after it got stuck in his stomach so long, making him sick,<\/p>\n
he removed the second b, and it all came to him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He ate Revelation and shitted it for breakfast for his dog; for a while<\/p>\n
the angels thought Duke was the son of god. It wasn’t The Duke\u2019s large penis<\/p>\n
that gave him away but rather his unmolesting of women.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jesus was offended.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not sure if it was the penis, or the reputation.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Anyway, Earl McSwagger sent him a free subscription to the Dish channel: \u201cEarl McSwagger<\/p>\n
Can Do It; You Can Too\u201d; and Jesus totally forgave him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger was a chef once, in D.C.; he decided<\/p>\n
to leave for the wild west. In a saloon, in bursts Satan Gang<\/p>\n
But Duke\u2019s shotgun lookout, and spits some bullets at them, and they run.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The spit burning on, smelled like beer.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n
Was never much for hookers, but at<\/p>\n
The Saloon they took a liking to him, and\u00a0 his food. He always rejected<\/p>\n
Their kind remarks, said, \u201cOnce, in Tibet, I took an oath of modesty and celibacy, and though I\u2019m<\/p>\n
sorely tempted, I\u2019ll just have to resign to my quarters in the back of the saloon alone, thank-you.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
It was not true; rather Earl McSwagger has started<\/p>\n
his own monastery in Tibet, where<\/p>\n
the t is quite good.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger lives in a library<\/p>\n
When he stops in N.Y.C.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s always complaining that it\u2019s dirty. But really<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
he loves the cleaning lady, and is<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
trying to bust her balls. He makes Dinty Moore in the pot<\/p>\n
And watches \u201cWheel of Fortune.\u201d He hasn’t paid rent there in 30 years, but he\u2019ll<\/p>\n
occasionally do a book signing. Whoever wrote the book \u201cdon\u2019t\u201d matter.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n
Loves the hotdog stand; he gets one for him, the dog<\/p>\n
And the Dahli Llama, when he\u2019s in town. They argue theology; but oftentimes<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger tends towards politics. He\u2019s more conservative; though he<\/p>\n
never liked Bush.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
One time Earl McSwagger really had to go the bathroom<\/p>\n
So into the first building he goes, and they’re<\/p>\n
Having the United Nation Council, and as he unzips to pee<\/p>\n
He can\u2019t help but overhear, and in his modest rumble,<\/p>\n
Solves world hunger.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger doesn’t drink and drive. But he\u2019ll<\/p>\n
occasionally sleep and drive; he says the nightmares make him a safer driver.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger was never a roadie, nor a groupie; but he met one once, broken<\/p>\n
Down on the side of the road, in a wedding dress. Earl McSwagger said to give himself<\/p>\n
A wedgie, when he turned the ignition, and press on the gas, too. And it<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Started right up. Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n
Is not much for love these days, but in Vegas,<\/p>\n
He got married to a celebrity<\/p>\n
Who apparently helped sway a South American election.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
They divorced, but Earl McSwagger still sends alimony.<\/p>\n
It takes ponies to deliver it high into the foggy mountains, Deep in the Amazon.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger lived in a boat once; all alone<\/p>\n
Though Duke had a girlfriend, who slept on the couch.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Earl could get her to cook for him, and him likewise.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger is not a permiscuous man; he has a framed photo<\/p>\n
Of Mike Pence, he hangs up wherever hotel he stays at. The duct tape left<\/p>\n
A mark, one time, and the hotelier asked Earl how much he\u2019d charge for it. Earl said,\u201d<\/p>\n
Keep it; it\u2019s a nice touch.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger bought a hotel once,<\/p>\n
But Stephen King and The Family rented it out. And the rest<\/p>\n
Is history.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger failed his senior year. But the impromptu speech<\/p>\n
on the fate of the Akita dog and the merits of<\/p>\n
breathable, cotton jackets saved the day. He passed<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
With flying colors.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Chris Skiles Earl McSwagger; puts up a dagger When Satan Gang pulls out a gun. They see the point in him; then they see the point in the dagger, And then they turn around and run. Earl McSwagger Fought in Nam; they sent him back, though Because with him they were winning too fast. \u201cMaybe I can fight for the other side,\u201d he said. Then they pointed him to Afghanistan. In Afghanistan, he started to like: The Russians, the French, the Albanians, the Australians\u2014 everyone, but the Swiss, and thought something amiss. So he decided to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":45,"featured_media":0,"parent":32,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-228","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/228","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/45"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=228"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/228\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":231,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/228\/revisions\/231"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/32"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=228"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}