Chris Skiles
Earl McSwagger
Decides
to come out of
celibacy
After
6 years
So he goes
On a date
At some fine restaurant,
Candle lit
Puts his hand
Over hers, says
“Nobody could ever be you,”
*Looks into her eyes*
“Only you could ever be nobody.”
Then the wine
Thrust in the face
Such a disgrace
She leaves
But pays beforehand
Because Earl McSwagger
Doesn’t pay.
Earl McSwagger
Never goes to Wal-Mart
He’s concerned WW3 will break out
In the parking lot
(And about this he has no doubt)
After they said
He stole something
Took him to court
but found nothing.
Earl McSwagger
Crestfallen, disappointed in
himself, decides to join
A monastery.
He wouldn’t let them
Cut off his balls, though
He had already arranged
They would go in a museum
So anyone could go see ‘em
Next to Napoleon’s
For realism?
Earl McSwagger
Gets kicked out of the monastery
But before that
He had a pretty, pretty scary
Run in with the LSD
They put in his wine
Before he left.
He quickly got over it though
(He had magic in a breadloaf)
And heads to South America
To be a mercenary
Had to bring his copy of
Carrie, though
In case the fighting got boring.
He ran into Dr. Sol
Who by now had sold his soul
(He sold it to a jealous Dementor for a small fortune)
To time travel with
The Beatles
To you know the place that is not real.
Earl McSwagger
Puts ketchup and mustard gas
On his hotdogs.
He can just boil water
By looking at the legs of frogs
Seeing through the lid of the stove;
He makes his living now
By burning mold
With his laser vision.
Finally he went to pest control
And found their natural frequency
He almost succeeded but got charged with
Tax delinquency;
The pests gladly offered their bodies
To be put down and sold
So Earl could go back to cleaning
All the filthy mold.
He knew another bug man
Who all but betrayed him
Told false stories
And would have slayed him
(if killing Earl McSwagger was possible)
Earl McSwagger
Got called one day
by the monastery (long distance);
they were making hay
And wanted Earl to help out;
He didn’t, though;
He saw the storm clouds
And headed back to Alaska
To sit by his fire and drink;
That is enough of his life story
For now I think.