James Friedman
As the wind chimes blew in the breeze of the August afternoon
she looked up at him and saw everything
She’d not spoke as much the last few days
But when he looked in her eyes, he knew she was still there
He wheeled her back inside the house
Where the wood creaked
And dust had settled over photographs of people she knew
she’d already seen for the last time
When he stood over the stove he thought he looked foolish,
gawking and birdlike
over meals she had once made better
but that’s not what she saw
And even though she told him she was proud
He was not yet comfortable with the end like she was
He didn’t think he could do anything right
As a child, he wanted to be an astronaut
He’d put a strainer on his head and run past the kitchen
climb out the window onto the roof and stare at the stars
And she’d go up there with him
She’d hold his eyes after sunset and lift them to show him the stars
and he’d think she was magic
And she was
She’d tell him about Cassiopeia, the rings of Saturn, and how big the universe was
That there was space so large there’d be light and darkness they’d never get to see
He refused that of course
He’d lift the strainer from his head to let her know he was back on earth
And tell her not to worry, because he’d fly up there one day and bring it back to her
And she’d ask him if he’d find heaven for her and he said he would
But things were harder the older he got
Family moved out one by one until only they were left
And he realized one day that he’d need money, and plans, and time
He realized he’d need to make commitments that contradicted each other
that he’d have to be someone he wasn’t
in order to be someone he was
He realized that there were many things even on earth
that he’d never get to see. And Heaven started to slip a little further from him ever day.
He worried That he’d never get to show her
Sometimes he’d sleep in her bed afraid
He’d never tell her he couldn’t do it of course
He would never tell her not to hope
But she was a wise old woman
And every time a tear streamed down his cheek she’d hold him close and whisper that the
stars that mattered most to her saw her every day.
He asked her which star was her favorite
And she told him the sun
He didn’t know that the sun was a star
So he asked her why she liked it so much
And she said it’s because it was what brought her the most light
Lately she had taken a fear of falling
So he would carry her up the stairs each night and sit on her bedside until she slept
when her hands rested in his, he held on each time
wishing he could hold on longer
Sometimes he thought about how horrible it was to practice holding her hand
for the last time
But he feared each time might be the last
He needed to know how tightly to grasp her that final time
To let her know he wanted her to stay
But she had always known in her own way
And she’d tell him not to worry
That hands can’t hold love like the heart can
And that it was there where he’d never let her go
And her the same
And then of course the day came
As they often do
When she didn’t need him to roll her around anymore
And he fell apart in a way he never had before
There was no goodbye
No last look at the stars
No last talk before reaching the other side of eternity
He stood by her bed long after she had gone
Waiting for the rest of the light to go out in the world
That night the moon rose over an empty house
He stood on the roof, feet planted firmly
Eyes again to the stars, looking for her
In his hand a note
He had found in her nightstand
When you go outside in the night
You may think that the moon is alone
When you find me lying still, you may fear you’ve lost me
I know this isn’t how you wanted me to see Heaven
But even in life, I always had you
Like the borderlands of space where the nothing belts the stars
there is a distance in my soul that light alone has ever crossed
If you ever wanted to know why the moon shines so bright, you’d have to ask the
sun why it glows
And if you ever were to learn why the sun was so warm
you’d smile to know the moon was never too far behind
Find Heaven for me, won’t you?