Earl McSwagger
\nDecides
\nto come out of
\ncelibacy
\nAfter
\n6 years
\nSo he goes
\nOn a date
\nAt some fine restaurant,
\nCandle lit
\nPuts his hand
\nOver hers, says
\n\u201cNobody could ever be you,\u201d<\/p>\n
*Looks into her eyes*<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly you could ever be nobody.\u201d
\nThen the wine
\nThrust in the face
\nSuch a disgrace
\nShe leaves
\nBut pays beforehand
\nBecause Earl McSwagger
\nDoesn’t pay.<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger
\nNever goes to Wal-Mart
\nHe\u2019s concerned WW3 will break out
\nIn the parking lot
\n(And about this he has no doubt)
\nAfter they said
\nHe stole something
\nTook him to court
\nbut found nothing.<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger
\nCrestfallen, disappointed in
\nhimself, decides to join
\nA monastery.
\nHe wouldn’t let them
\nCut off his balls, though
\nHe had already arranged
\nThey would go in a museum
\nSo anyone could go see \u2018em
\nNext to Napoleon\u2019s
\nFor realism?<\/p>\n
Earl McSwagger He ran into Dr. Sol Earl McSwagger Finally he went to pest control He knew another bug man Earl McSwagger And headed back to Alaska Chris Skiles Earl McSwagger Decides to come out of celibacy After 6 years So he goes On a date At some fine restaurant, Candle lit Puts his hand Over hers, says \u201cNobody could ever be you,\u201d *Looks into her eyes* \u201cOnly you could ever be nobody.\u201d Then the wine Thrust in the face Such a Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":56,"featured_media":0,"parent":27,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-192","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/192","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/56"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=192"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/192\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":675,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/192\/revisions\/675"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/27"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/18-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=192"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nGets kicked out of the monastery
\nBut before that
\nHe had a pretty, pretty scary
\nRun in with the LSD
\nThey put in his wine
\nBefore he left.
\nHe quickly got over it though
\n(He had magic in a breadloaf)
\nAnd heads to South America
\nTo be a mercenary
\nHad to bring his copy of
\nCarrie<\/em>, though
\nIn case the fighting got boring.<\/p>\n
\nWho by now had sold his soul
\n(He sold it to a jealous Dementor for a small fortune)
\nTo time travel with
\nThe Beatles
\nTo you know the place that is not real.<\/p>\n
\nPuts ketchup and mustard gas
\nOn his hotdogs.
\nHe can just boil water
\nBy looking at the legs of frogs
\nSeeing through the lid of the stove;
\nHe makes his living now
\nBy burning mold
\nWith his laser vision.<\/p>\n
\nAnd found their natural frequency
\nHe almost succeeded but got charged with
\nTax delinquency;
\nThe pests gladly offered their bodies
\nTo be put down and sold
\nSo Earl could go back to cleaning
\nAll the filthy mold.<\/p>\n
\nWho all but betrayed him
\nTold false stories
\nAnd would have slayed him
\n(if killing Earl McSwagger was possible)<\/p>\n
\nGot called one day
\nby the monastery (long distance);
\nthey were making hay
\nAnd wanted Earl to help out;
\nHe didn\u2019t, though;
\nHe saw the storm clouds<\/p>\n
\nTo sit by his fire and drink;
\nThat is enough of his life story
\nFor now I think.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"