Reid Wells
I don’t use conditioner
And for good reason,
I’ve got enough grease
to deep-fry 100 Twinkies
More grease
than the never-cleaned floor
of a now-condemned McDonalds
If I swam in the ocean,
they’d call it a natural disaster
There is but one way
to cleanse the oily demons
from my holy scalp:
Bar soap.
And,
deep in my heart,
I hope that intimidates
the men out there
with fragile masculinity
Like,
They’ve got their silly little shit,
2-in-1
3-in-1
Maybe a 5-in-1
(can’t have 4-in-1
because we’re not
fuckin’ squares)
I’ve even heard of a 6-in-1
Well, I’ve got something
even.
better.
ALL-in-one: FOR MEN*†
It can be used as follows:
• Soap
• Body wash
• Shampoo
Toothpaste • Toothbrush • Deodorant • Lotion
Acne cream • Antiseptic
Lard • Lube • Bleach • Gas • Transmission fluid • Gender fluid
Vegan printer paper • Horse feathers • Roman concrete
Left shoe • Bicycle • Tandem bicycle • Tricycle
• Triple-use underwear
• Speculum
• 6k NYC studio apartment
• Fish food
Foot fungus cream • Foot fungus • Fungus shaped like a foot
• An illuminated manuscript only containing the poem “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath
Rolling pin • Bowling pin
Bottle opener • Bottle • Non-alcoholic vodka • Molotov cocktail
A ranch • Ranch • A Ranch ranch
Miniature ivory sculpture of a Chinese water deer
Compass • Compass • Pocket watch disguised as a broken compass
Regular pocket watch • Regular pocket bible • Pastafarian pocket bible
Fishing license • Forklift certification • Forklift • Pet rock
The Dark Knight (2008) on VHS • Chloroform • Rag • Dank Basement • Truth serum
The World’s Curliest Curly Fry • Fake fishing license • PVC filament • Teeth
Industrial strength carabiner • A vaguely fish-shaped grave
• Mexican jumping beans
• a TI-83 with Doom installed
• Gray face paint
Quicksand • Quickersand
• A very bad mirror
• A son
• The Sun
• A sorry ass excuse for mustard
And,
in a pinch,
you can also use it to wash your ass
without turning gay
This magic bar
of sudsy goodness
is the Dawn dish soap
to the oil spill
that is my damn hair
AND,
for only 99 cents a day,
YOU can join my
mlm
MLM
and reserve YOURSELF a timeslot
in MY shower
(with me)
(and the rest of the guys in the mlm MLM)
to use MY communal bar of
ALL-in-one: FOR MEN*†
*NOT FDA approved
†Patent pending