Chris Skiles |
Earl McSwagger eats
his pulmonary embolisms for breakfast; he says
they’re high in protein. When his doctor asks
why he keeps them
he says they keep him lean and mean but not a
Marine.
Earl McSwagger was asked
To host Kid Jeopardy in the future
So he travelled through time. One of
the questions he asked was, “Who was the comic book author
who wrote the now classic one shot comic about the furry little critters
in the EU in May 2023?”
One contestant answered: “What is Wong.”
“Well.,” Earl replied. “Not you.”
*smirks at audience*
*Light chuckles*
They never asked him back.
He said that was okay; he hates time travel; there was never enough
leg room anyway.
Earl McSwagger
Learned how to fly a plane once
But he was scared Bush would brainwash him
To crash it… But Earl knows
He’s no National Hero
Just a coward
With Daddy problems.
Earl McSwagger’s dreams
Are considered a Schedule III Drug
That’s why they try to get stolen
By all kinds of thugs; But Earl’s okay…
he sleeps next to his coffee mug
With one eye open,
Earl McSwagger
Once met Kurt Kobain
On an East-bound train
Earl asked him, “Are you going
to change your name? (Again)”
And Kurt said,” Do I look insane?”
And Earl said, “Just a little plain
for all I’ve heard.”
And now. And now it is time
To introduce, the most heinous, heinous
villain of them all; of whom to Dr. Sol
Was only an apprentice.
Dr. Muskeegee
was a real menace.
HE SERVED
Both sides in the Forever Wars
His pockets were deep; he had
lots of stores
of gold in his basement
“Blood money!” Piggy yelled.
But then he continued to
abase him.
Earl heard of this foul news
And smelled the bloody scent
So Earl began to track him down
With his herd of 10 elephants.
BUT HE WAS SURPRISED!
And captured in an ambush;
His elephants were died white
and sent into the brush.
Now Earl McSwagger hangs by the arms
In an underground bunker
Set in the heart of Antarctica…
Who was this fucker?
Dr. Muskeegee
had him on a rack.
This really hurt because before
Dr. Sol broke his back.
They put a bit between his ears
Like through a horse’s mouth.
They were trying to brainwash him
Earl thought with little doubt. Earl shed
no tears. But he may have made a shout.
But just then Duke roars in
And chewed the bonds so stout
Bit Muskegee in the crotch
And shows the staggering Earl
out.
Earl used his fingernails
To cut through the ice;
his best bet was
They were in some crevasse.
He finally reached the top
And broke out a light.
“Time for the McSwagg Signal”
Shivering through the night.
The American Eagle
who happened to be close by
Saw Earl’s signal—
The McSwagg Eye. And he
flew to pick him up,
with Duke under his wing;
Earl McSwagger
Though not dead
Was severely suffering.
The Eagle flew him back
To his woods and and to his pines
“I’ve just about been had,”
Earl said with head declined.
But Earl made himself a tea
And stumbled to his old familiar chair.
There’s a lot more to say. But for now
i’ll leave it there.