{"id":100,"date":"2023-12-01T01:53:10","date_gmt":"2023-12-01T01:53:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/19-1\/?page_id=100"},"modified":"2023-12-01T01:53:10","modified_gmt":"2023-12-01T01:53:10","slug":"the-stages-of-the-storm","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/non-fiction\/the-stages-of-the-storm\/","title":{"rendered":"The Stages of the Storm"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n
\n
Jesse Popp<\/h5>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Tranquility<\/p>\n

Transferring to Illinois State University was very exciting for 18-year-old me because I was craving a more inclusive and accepting college experience, so being in my politically left-leaning home state seemed like it would scratch the itch I was looking for. My first two semesters of college were spent at Middle Tennessee State University (MTSU), in Murfreesboro Tennessee, about 45 minutes southeast of Nashville. Apparently, the closeted version of myself was intrigued by majoring in music business just outside of Music City. It seemed like such a fantastic opportunity\u2026 After meeting the people who lived there, however, and hearing that common vocabulary used by southern folk includes slurs meant to harm me and words that I use to describe myself as insults, I realized I needed to head back home. Murfreesboro was infected with the vile stench of Late Capitalism. Much to my chagrin, however, Illinois State University was not much better. The infection was contagious.<\/p>\n

For most of my life, I have questioned my sexuality and gender identity, so I have had to juggle between how I feel and what I am told I should feel. My catholic parents taught and excessively practiced gender roles, as did my teachers. My ears are scarred with my elders\u2019 voices echoing: \u201cMan up\u201d, or \u201cBoys can\u2019t do blank\u201d. Time and time again I was denied the ability to experience anything that was not inherently masculine, so it wasn\u2019t until I began searching for my own individual identity that I realized the binaries I had been indoctrinated into growing up were bullshit. I was typically a publicly out queer person, but certain events that happened on and around Illinois State\u2019s campus threw me into a spiral regarding my ability to express myself conflicting with my ability to protect myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Calm\u2019s Doom<\/p>\n

On Wednesday, September 30, 2022, members of the Illinois State University fraternity Kappa Sigma spray painted homophobic slurs onto the front signs of other Greek houses (one of the targets being located a block from my then apartment). Whether or not these attacks were targeted at specific members of other fraternities or just a general act of hate speech is unknown, but either way, these actions are disgusting. The members who spray-painted the slurs were kicked out of Kappa Sigma, but are still active students at Illinois State University. Students exhibiting the comfort to commit such a heinous act show the effects of Trumpesque Late Capitalism still at play presently. According to Henry A. Giroux\u2019s essay \u201cLate Capitalism\u201d in The Bloomsbury Handbook of Literary and Cultural Theory, Donald Trump\u2019s Late Capitalism tactics created \u201can antipolitics that thrives on conflict, on an enemy\/friend divide, fueled by a rhetoric of demonization, objectification, and hatred\u201d (Giroux 273). Regardless of the nature of this act, whether it was fueled by hatred or fraternity conflict, Late Capitalism is present. College fraternities, more often than not, revolve around competition between organizations, as do University events, all of which foster an unhealthy level of individualism and disregard for others.<\/p>\n

When I was in 6th grade, I had a crush on a boy from my soccer team. I hadn\u2019t a clue what to do with my feelings, as I had only ever felt this way about girls, so I let it stew inside of me. My only frame of reference was from the lens of the catholic church; being gay is bad. Don\u2019t choose to be attracted to the same sex, and you won\u2019t suffer eternal damnation. I didn\u2019t even mean to break the rule, but now I\u2019m going to hell. \u201cMass fear is normalized as violence increasingly becomes the default logic for handling social problems\u201d (Giroux 269). Even prior to Trump\u2019s reign, Late Capitalism, as intertwined with Neoliberalism as it is, was present within my religious institution. To deal with its social problem of queer people, the catholic church creates mass fear by threatening them with an eternity of suffering.<\/p>\n

Continuing through middle school I was ashamed that I had let myself dance with the devil by having gay thoughts, so I buried them as deeply as I could. In 7th grade, my friend and classmate Avery1 came out as bisexual on the social media platform Ask.fm to their follower base of students at our school. I hadn\u2019t realized that the concept of sexuality even existed so I was excited to learn that others had similar feelings I did. When word drifted from social media to hallway gossip, though, I hated Avery for coming out. I wished they had stayed with me in our mutual closet of terror. Then was the first time I had ever heard the word \u201cfaggot\u201d. The popular kids knew exactly how to weaponize it, and made sure to shame Avery and anyone else who might have wanted to follow in their footsteps. Every time that word was uttered by someone, I repressed my sexuality further due to fear of others finding out. Because I knew what I was.<\/p>\n

So I hid.<\/p>\n

\n

\u00b9Avery is not their real name<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

Development<\/p>\n

On Thursday, October 15, 2022, an Illinois State University student was physically and verbally assaulted for being queer by another Illinois State student. The next day, the victim posted a note on their Instagram account explaining the situation and calling for then President Terri Goss Kinzy, as well as the Bloomington-Normal community, to become more aware of daily acts of oppression committed against local queer communities and to make a change. Without any condemnation of prior homophobic acts, Late Capitalism made the attacker feel like it was their right to attack. Driven by fear, conflict thrives.<\/p>\n

Moving from Illinois to Tennessee in the year 2020 was a wretched idea. Not only did I experience immense culture shock, but also serious disappointment that the school I had chosen to attend was okay with and enabled the blatant bigotry being spewed by students and educators alike on campus and during classes. Trump\u2019s Late Capitalism influence had completely contaminated Murfreesboro Tennessee, and what made it even worse was that it was an election year. Pro-life \u201cactivists\u201d flooded the quad, xenophobes ran rampant in the dining hall, and being racist was all but a fraternity requirement. Buildings named after slave owners and KKK members were refused to be changed by the university, and professors used words like \u201cqueer\u201d or \u201cgay\u201d to mean \u201cweird\u201d and \u201cnot good\u201d. White students argued for their \u201cright\u201d to say the n-word and one of the few friends (cishet) I made down there spoke the word \u201cfaggot\u201d to make the point that straight people shouldn\u2019t say it.<\/p>\n

So, I hid.<\/p>\n

Maturation<\/p>\n

On Saturday, October 17, 2022, almost three weeks after the Kappa Sigma hate speech incident, Illinois State University students and faculty were emailed an unlisted2 YouTube video titled \u201cA message from President Terri Goss Kinzy ” that lasted one minute and fifty-three seconds. President Kinzy delivers a deadpan, general statement informing students that they should acknowledge LGBTQIA+ people. She states that she \u201cchallenge(s) anyone who feels the need to commit vandalism or direct malicious and hateful comments to others to question whether their actions fit within the framework of respect we all deserve\u201d, but fails to mention the fraternity that committed this act of violent vandalism by name or any mention of the assaulted student at all. She proceeds to inform queer students that they should seek help if they are targeted and that Illinois State \u201ctakes reports seriously\u201d. The video lacks any apology towards queer students and seems to serve as a way to cover the university\u2019s ass. It does nothing to reprimand the people who are committing acts of violence, but rather gives them a tiny slap on the wrist. Kinzy utilized the Late Capitalist method of depoliticization. She removed the political connotations of homophobic hate crimes by equating them with a lack of respect. By not condemning these actions, Kinzy was complicit. “Power and militarization [are] normalized by a neoliberal regime in which an ideology of political and economic savagery has become unaccountable; under such conditions, one dispenses with any notion of compassion and holds other individuals solely responsible for problems they face, problems over which they have no control\u201d (Giroux 271). Obviously, the community was upset at the university\u2019s excuse of a statement, so the victim created a change.org petition calling for the university to employ more counselors, add a telehealth option for counseling, create a designated safe space for queer students, and a public apology from President Kinzy for neglecting queer students.<\/p>\n

\n

\u00b2 Only those who are sent a link can view an unlisted YouTube video.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

In 2021, I decided to apply to transfer to Illinois State University, my 2nd top college choice right behind MTSU. Moving back home seemed to be the safest option, and I was so excited to be in a state that hadn\u2019t been contaminated by the South\u2019s bigotry. I had fully accepted myself as a pansexual and nonbinary individual, and was looking forward to the freedom of expression I desired in a place I thought I could feel more comfortable. I filled out my application using they\/them pronouns and was soon accepted into the English program at ISU. For some reason though, ISU sent an email to my parents3 (whom I am not fully out to) going over everything they could do to help their child get ready for their first semester. The email wasn\u2019t malicious but only referred to me using \u201cthey\u201d and \u201cthem\u201d pronouns. My mother grilled me about why the email didn\u2019t say \u201che\u201d and lectured me about how I needed to be honest with her about every detail of my life. I told her that the email was general and inclusive since the university probably sends the same email to every student\u2019s parents (which is likely true), but having my not-understanding mother try to convince me of my masculinity was just a reminder that I needed an out. That\u2019s why moving to ISU seemed so great;<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t have to hide anymore.<\/p>\n

Since then, acts of violence, hatred, and oppression towards queer students at Illinois State University happened on a daily basis stemming from issues created by Late Capitalism, but the previous incidents were the ones that had made headlines. Just existing as a queer student on this campus was becoming a very difficult task and finding out just how not seriously the university took acts of hate and violence against our community was extremely alarming. There are students who actively attend our classes who are willing and able to spray paint slurs and physically assault other students. They don\u2019t face any consequences and it seems like they never will. This knowledge of bigoted \u201cvigilantes\u201d walking among us and the university not caring had been detrimental to my own and other queer students\u2019 mental health and personally created a conflict for me that did not have a solution.<\/p>\n

I had found myself hiding once again.<\/p>\n

\n

\u00b3 My parents aren\u2019t homophobic but don\u2019t understand the nuance of transgender, nonbinary, and other nontraditional gender identities which has led to misinformed and misguided statements<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

After September 30, 2022, I reconstructed a wall between how I present myself and my identity. Somehow, as a 6\u20191 white, typically male presenting person, I\u2019d been scared. I\u2019d stopped wearing women\u2019s clothing in public, didn\u2019t paint my nails for 3 weeks, and had been wearing the most stereotypical cishet outfits I could get my hands on. I\u2019d been hiding from my own identity as a way to protect myself in public. I didn\u2019t want to put a target on my back, and I was comfortable keeping myself safe, but I also felt extremely selfish.<\/p>\n

I have the privilege to hide behind what I wear, my skin color, and my assigned sex at birth. So many others though, do not have this power. They can\u2019t cower behind their default appearance because the way that they identify is already automatically visible. Utilizing my ability to stay invisible was being complicit in the hate and violence that rampaged ISU\u2019s campus and surrounding areas. I\u2019ve not committed any acts of hatred myself, but by not actively combatting them through gender expression and public language, I am a coward. What is pride if not a combination of outward expression and inward acceptance? I have failed my community and other marginalized groups by being controlled by fear and unease. I had been dragged under the Late Capitalism rug, to which I believed I\u2019d be immune. I knew I had the ability to fight.<\/p>\n

Yet I hid.<\/p>\n

Dissipation?<\/p>\n

On February 15, 2023, Illinois State students and faculty received an email announcing the abrupt resignation of President Kinzy. Every colleague had their theory as to why she would quit without any warning whatsoever. I figured it was probably something sketchy but was glad that there would be a new president. The interim president announced was Aondover Tarhule, who is still the president to this day. Reading about Tarhule\u2019s plans as the interim president left me feeling skeptical as his focus seemed to be more on economic growth rather than educational growth. Right at the hint of an end to a Late Capitalist university, a new leader emerged to carry out its legacy more explicitly than his predecessor. As Giroux states, \u201cUniversities now labor under the burden of a neoliberal regime that celebrates the corporate model made famous by McDonalds\u201d(Giroux 276). Tarhule came into his presidency with the intention of treating our university as his business. The storm rages on.<\/p>\n

On October 11, 2023, Illinois State University students received an email from interim president Aondover Tarhule regarding the horrific acts of violence being committed against Palestinian and Israeli civilians alike, but he refuses to mention anything actually about Palestine. In doing so, he aligns with the United States Government\u2019s refusal to acknowledge Palestine as a sovereign nation. The United States allocates funds to the nation-state of Israel and its military, and supports the colonization of Gaza, as the US tends to align with other colonial powers. Israel has unjustly mass-murdered Palestinians for far longer than Hamas retaliated in current events. Historically, Israel operates as a Zionist Theocracy, with goals to expand its land, which the United States has historically supported. Both refuse to acknowledge Palestinians as individuals with agency and show a lack of compassion toward civilians because they\u2019ve already written them off as terrorists. \u201cNeoliberalism fosters the viewing of pain and suffering as entertainment, warfare a permanent state of existence, and militarism as the most powerful force\u201d (Giroux 272). Tarhule\u2019s exclusion of Palestinians and Palestine follows in the government’s Late Capitalist footsteps by purposefully ignoring the issues of those repeatedly repressed and showing no compassion to the Palestinian civilians who have been and continue to be killed by the masses. He\u2019s complicit. Tarhule also suggests students seek counseling if this conflict has been affecting them, again, letting the problems solve themselves. Tarhule exhibits similar traits to Kinzy\u2019s \u201cflight from any sense of social and moral responsibility\u201d (Giroux 272) and likely sent out the message to keep the university looking good.<\/p>\n

Unlike before, I will not let my fears of being othered or displaced get in the way of progress. But to hide is not to be complicit; I was wrong. To hide is not to minimize a social issue, or to not care. To hide is to incubate. It is time to learn and grow, not to let the fear stew. Now, I refuse to be silent. The effects of Late Capitalism and neoliberalism have continued to enable the university\u2019s laissez-faire attitude toward hatred and violence. Students shouldn\u2019t be responsible for treating the trauma that the university has been complicit in causing, and everybody deserves to be acknowledged as who they are, not as pejoratives placed upon them by the powerful.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Works Cited<\/p>\n

Di Leo, Jeffrey, and Henry Giroux. \u201cLate Capitalism.\u201d The Bloomsbury Handbook of Literary and Cultural Theory, Bloomsbury Academic, London\u202f; New York\u202f; Oxford\u202f; New Delhi\u202f; Sydney, 2021.<\/p>\n

\u201cA Message from President Terri Goss Kinzy.\u201d YouTube, YouTube, 17 Oct. 2022, https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=wU2pKm6gm0c<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jesse Popp Tranquility Transferring to Illinois State University was very exciting for 18-year-old me because I was craving a more inclusive and accepting college experience, so being in my politically left-leaning home state seemed like it would scratch the itch I was looking for. My first two semesters of college were spent at Middle Tennessee … <\/p>\n

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