The words Can we talk later?<\/em> stare back at me from the cracked screen of my phone. Those are fighting words that only a person seriously mad would dare to send over text. My heart pounds in my ears. It\u2019s deafening. I can\u2019t breathe. I can\u2019t think. It is like a poisonous fog has enveloped me whole.<\/p>\n Through the haze, I force myself to look at the text one more time. My stomach drops. I would rather smash my phone, run away, change my name, and start a whole new life than deal with this right now. But that isn\u2019t something a sane adult would do. And I don\u2019t really have the funds to make a crazy life change right now. I love being a teacher, but it isn\u2019t the best career for someone who needs to move away when any minor inconvenience occurs.<\/p>\n So instead, I mustered the courage to open the text and reply: Yeah, of course. Let me know when you want to talk!<\/em><\/p>\n Instantly, the three ominous dots pop up.<\/p>\n \u201cFuck me,\u201d I mutter under my breath as I curl up on the couch.<\/p>\n Then, the message sends. Great, I\u2019ll call you once I\u2019m off work.<\/em><\/p>\n Sounds good!!!!<\/em> I quickly reply, ensuring that I use extra exclamation marks, so she knows I\u2019m not irritated or upset.<\/p>\n The read receipt pops up, and after three minutes, there is no reply. One hand occupied by my furious nail biting, I use the other to shamefully send the message, Everything is okay right?<\/em><\/p>\n No immediate response. Oh my god. She doesn\u2019t know what to say. She wants to talk to me later to tell me that she hates me and that she thinks we should end our friendship. What is she even going to say now? She can\u2019t just casually bring that up, right? What if she does? Should I respond? Should I still talk to her later? Should I try to change her mind? Should I list off all the times she has ever annoyed me and then tell her to go fuck herself? Should I ask her why? Do I want to know the reason why? Oh my god, what if it\u2019s because I ate the last piece of pie at the party last week. I didn\u2019t know she hadn\u2019t had some yet. If I had I wouldn\u2019t have eaten it. But now she probably thinks I\u2019m selfish and only think of myself. Who doesn\u2019t ask their friend if they want the last piece before shoving it into their mouth like a pig? That\u2019s a rule. You aren\u2019t supposed to just take the last piece. But what did I do? I took it. And what\u2019s worse. It didn\u2019t even cross my mind to ask anyone if that was okay or if they wanted it. Jesus. I don\u2019t know what I was thinking. And who wants to be friends with someone like that? Not me, that\u2019s for sure. I can\u2019t even be mad if she doesn\u2019t want to be my friend.<\/p>\n The phone buzzes in my hand, pulling me out of the deep dark depths of my mind.<\/p>\n Yep<\/em><\/p>\n Yep? Just yep? No punctuation, no emoji? Just yep?<\/p>\n My hands violently shaking I respond, after fixing several typos, Okay!!! Just checking!!! Talk soon!!<\/em><\/p>\n I toss my phone to the other side of the couch, put my face in my hands and groan. Becca is my best friend. I don\u2019t have time to make a new best friend. I spend all day with middle schoolers. Once I\u2019m home, I\u2019m done socializing for the day. What am I supposed to do now? I can\u2019t just ask one of my colleagues to hang out. That\u2019s weird and I\u2019m pretty sure they all secretly hate me anyway. So that\u2019s not an option. And I don\u2019t go out enough to meet anyone new. I have my one best friend and I am okay with that! I guess since I might not have a best friend in an hour I\u2019ll have to figure something else out? Maybe a dog, a cat? They will sit and watch Netflix with me, right?<\/p>\n That\u2019s when it pops in my head. A week ago, she sent me a selfie from the couch with a glass of wine in her hand and I responded \u201cWow, drinking on a school night. What an alcoholic.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n She thinks that I think she\u2019s an alcoholic. It was just a joke. I swear. The woman is the furthest thing from an alcoholic. And even if she were, I\u2019d support her! Well maybe supporting her is the wrong thing to say, but I wouldn\u2019t joke about it! I\u2019d at least try to get her help. And if that didn\u2019t work, I guess I\u2019d have to join in. Solidarity, right? That\u2019s what friends are for?<\/p>\n She sent the laughing emoji after and we carried on the conversation. But she must have been devastated. I didn\u2019t tell her it was a joke. I didn\u2019t even use an emoji or say lol after. Why didn\u2019t I apologize after saying that? I have let her sit around feeling terrible about herself for an entire week? She thinks that I think that she\u2019s a horrible person with a drinking problem. God, I can\u2019t believe I did that to her.<\/p>\n And is that it? If I made such a careless joke without thinking about it, how many other hurtful things have I said over the years. Am I a horrible person? Why has no one called me out on this before?<\/p>\n I stand up and walk to the kitchen. Filling a glass of water, I chug it. Gasping for breath, I slam the glass on the counter and begin pacing, switching between biting my nails and pulling on the ends of my hair, one arm wrapped around my stomach to try to stop the queasiness.<\/p>\n I want to call her right now and apologize. I don\u2019t want her to sit around being upset for another moment. I glance over at the clock. It\u2019s 5:32. There are exactly twenty-eight minutes until she gets off work. But she pry won\u2019t even call me then. She will want to go home, eat, and get in a comfortable position before calling me to tell me all the ways I have hurt her.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t wait that long. I can\u2019t. She needs to know how sorry I am. But I also can\u2019t call her. How unfair would it be if I called to apologize before she got to speak her piece. I can\u2019t do that to her, no matter how much I want to. I have to prove for once that I\u2019m not selfish.<\/p>\n Heading back to the living room, I turn on The Office and scroll through Tik Tok at the same time to distract my mind from the thoughts spiraling through it. If I am going to have to wait for her to call, I am going to spend that time as zoned out as possible. I\u2019ll go crazy if I think about it anymore.<\/p>\n At 6:45 the phone rings.<\/p>\n I stare at it, take a deep breath, then click accept. \u201cHey,\u201d my voice sounds thin, raspy.<\/p>\n \u201cHey!\u201d she says through a mouthful of food. She coughs, \u201cSorry, I don\u2019t know why I took a bite right when I called you. That was dumb. But let me tell you, this mac and cheese hits. I had such a long day.\u201d<\/p>\n Confused by her light, jokey attitude I respond, \u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry. What happened?\u201d<\/p>\n She laughs, \u201cYou know, just the typical things. Rude employees and a clueless boss.\u201d<\/p>\n I pause, then force myself to ask, \u201cSo, what did you want to talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh yeah!\u201d she exclaims, throwing me off guard. \u201cWe have to plan Janie\u2019s birthday party. It\u2019s in two weeks and I literally forgot about it until today.\u201d She laughs, \u201cAnd yes, I know that makes me a crappy friend, but I\u2019ve been busy! At least I remembered now, right? We still have time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou aren\u2019t mad at me?\u201d The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d she says through another mouthful of mac and cheese.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, nothing.\u201d I pause, \u201cSo, where should we have it?\u201d<\/p>\n She starts talking about this elaborate plan she came up with on her lunch break. But all I can do is shake my head and laugh to myself. Once again, I have found a way to lose my mind over nothing. Why do I do this? Will I ever learn? Considering that\u2019s the exact mantra I say to myself each time I find out about a misinterpreted message, my guess is no.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Abby Jamison The words Can we talk later? stare back at me from the cracked screen of my phone. Those are fighting words that only a person seriously mad would dare to send over text. My heart pounds in my ears. It\u2019s deafening. I can\u2019t breathe. I can\u2019t think. It is like a poisonous fog … <\/p>\n