I don\u2019t use conditioner<\/p>\n
And for good reason,<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve got enough grease<\/p>\n
to deep-fry 100 Twinkies<\/p>\n
More grease<\/p>\n
than the never-cleaned floor<\/p>\n
of a now-condemned McDonalds<\/p>\n
If I swam in the ocean,<\/p>\n
they\u2019d call it a natural disaster<\/p>\n
There is but one way<\/p>\n
to cleanse the oily demons<\/p>\n
from my holy scalp:<\/p>\n
Bar soap.<\/p>\n
And,<\/p>\n
deep in my heart,<\/p>\n
I hope that intimidates<\/p>\n
the men out there<\/p>\n
with fragile masculinity<\/p>\n
Like,<\/p>\n
They\u2019ve got their silly little shit,<\/p>\n
2-in-1<\/p>\n
3-in-1<\/p>\n
Maybe a 5-in-1<\/p>\n
(can\u2019t have 4-in-1<\/p>\n
because we\u2019re not<\/p>\n
fuckin\u2019 squares)<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve even heard of a 6-in-1<\/p>\n
Well, I\u2019ve got something<\/p>\n
even.<\/p>\n
better.<\/p>\n
ALL-in-one: FOR MEN*\u2020<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n It can be used as follows:<\/p>\n \u2022 Soap<\/p>\n \u2022 Body wash<\/p>\n \u2022 Shampoo<\/p>\n Toothpaste \u2022 Toothbrush \u2022 Deodorant \u2022 Lotion<\/p>\n Acne cream \u2022 Antiseptic<\/p>\n Lard \u2022 Lube \u2022 Bleach \u2022 Gas \u2022 Transmission fluid \u2022 Gender fluid<\/p>\n Vegan printer paper \u2022 Horse feathers \u2022 Roman concrete<\/p>\n Left shoe \u2022 Bicycle \u2022 Tandem bicycle \u2022 Tricycle<\/p>\n \u2022 Triple-use underwear<\/p>\n \u2022 Speculum<\/p>\n \u2022 6k NYC studio apartment<\/p>\n \u2022 Fish food<\/p>\n Foot fungus cream \u2022 Foot fungus \u2022 Fungus shaped like a foot<\/p>\n \u2022 An illuminated manuscript only containing the poem “Mushrooms” by Sylvia Plath<\/p>\n Rolling pin \u2022 Bowling pin<\/p>\n Bottle opener \u2022 Bottle \u2022 Non-alcoholic vodka \u2022 Molotov cocktail<\/p>\n A ranch \u2022 Ranch \u2022 A Ranch ranch<\/p>\n Miniature ivory sculpture of a Chinese water deer<\/p>\n Compass \u2022 Compass \u2022 Pocket watch disguised as a broken compass<\/p>\n Regular pocket watch \u2022 Regular pocket bible \u2022 Pastafarian pocket bible<\/p>\n Fishing license \u2022 Forklift certification \u2022 Forklift \u2022 Pet rock<\/p>\n The Dark Knight (2008) on VHS \u2022 Chloroform \u2022 Rag \u2022 Dank Basement \u2022 Truth serum<\/p>\n The World’s Curliest Curly Fry \u2022 Fake fishing license \u2022 PVC filament \u2022 Teeth<\/p>\n Industrial strength carabiner \u2022 A vaguely fish-shaped grave<\/p>\n \u2022 Mexican jumping beans<\/p>\n \u2022 a TI-83 with Doom installed<\/p>\n \u2022 Gray face paint<\/p>\n Quicksand \u2022 Quickersand<\/p>\n \u2022 A very bad mirror<\/p>\n \u2022 A son<\/p>\n \u2022 The Sun<\/p>\n \u2022 A sorry ass excuse for mustard<\/p>\n And,<\/p>\n in a pinch,<\/p>\n you can also use it to wash your ass<\/p>\n without turning gay<\/p>\n This magic<\/em> bar<\/p>\n of sudsy goodness<\/p>\n is the Dawn dish soap<\/p>\n to the oil spill<\/p>\n that is my damn hair<\/p>\n AND,<\/p>\n for only 99 cents a day,<\/p>\n YOU can join my<\/p>\n mlm<\/p>\n MLM<\/p>\n and reserve YOURSELF a timeslot<\/p>\n in MY shower<\/p>\n (with me)<\/p>\n (and the rest of the guys in the mlm MLM)<\/p>\n to use MY communal bar of<\/p>\n ALL-in-one: FOR MEN*\u2020<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n *NOT FDA approved<\/p>\n \u2020Patent pending<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Reid Wells I don\u2019t use conditioner And for good reason, I\u2019ve got enough grease to deep-fry 100 Twinkies More grease than the never-cleaned floor of a now-condemned McDonalds If I swam in the ocean, they\u2019d call it a natural disaster There is but one way to cleanse the oily demons from my holy scalp: Bar … <\/p>\n