{"id":458,"date":"2023-12-09T00:12:29","date_gmt":"2023-12-09T00:12:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/english.illinoisstate.edu\/euphemism\/19-1\/?page_id=458"},"modified":"2023-12-09T00:12:29","modified_gmt":"2023-12-09T00:12:29","slug":"earl-mcswagger-vol-4","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/poetry\/earl-mcswagger-vol-4\/","title":{"rendered":"Earl McSwagger Vol. 4"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n
\n
Chris Skiles<\/h5>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Earl McSwagger eats<\/p>\n

his pulmonary embolisms for breakfast; he says<\/p>\n

they’re high in protein. When his doctor asks<\/p>\n

why he keeps them<\/p>\n

he says they keep him lean and mean but not a<\/p>\n

Marine.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl McSwagger was asked<\/p>\n

To host Kid Jeopardy in the future<\/p>\n

So he travelled through time. One of<\/p>\n

the questions he asked was, \u201cWho was the comic book author<\/p>\n

who wrote the now classic one shot comic about the furry little critters<\/p>\n

in the EU in May 2023?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One contestant answered: \u201cWhat is Wong.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWell.,\u201d Earl replied. \u201cNot you.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*smirks at audience*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*Light chuckles*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They never asked him back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He said that was okay; he hates time travel; there was never enough<\/p>\n

leg room anyway.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n

Learned how to fly a plane once<\/p>\n

But he was scared Bush would brainwash him<\/p>\n

To crash it\u2026 But Earl knows<\/p>\n

He\u2019s no National Hero<\/p>\n

Just a coward<\/p>\n

With Daddy problems.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl McSwagger\u2019s dreams<\/p>\n

Are considered a Schedule III Drug<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why they try to get stolen<\/p>\n

By all kinds of thugs; But Earl\u2019s okay\u2026<\/p>\n

he sleeps next to his coffee mug<\/p>\n

With one eye open,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n

Once met Kurt Kobain<\/p>\n

On an East-bound train<\/p>\n

Earl asked him, \u201cAre you going<\/p>\n

to change your name? (Again)\u201d<\/p>\n

And Kurt said,\u201d Do I look insane?\u201d<\/p>\n

And Earl said, \u201cJust a little plain<\/p>\n

for all I\u2019ve heard.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And now. And now it is time<\/p>\n

To introduce, the most heinous, heinous<\/p>\n

villain of them all; of whom to Dr. Sol<\/p>\n

Was only an apprentice.<\/p>\n

Dr. Muskeegee<\/p>\n

was a real menace.<\/p>\n

HE SERVED<\/p>\n

Both sides in the Forever Wars<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

His pockets were deep; he had<\/p>\n

lots of stores<\/p>\n

of gold in his basement<\/p>\n

\u201cBlood money!\u201d Piggy yelled.<\/p>\n

But then he continued to<\/p>\n

abase him.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl heard of this foul news<\/p>\n

And smelled the bloody scent<\/p>\n

So Earl began to track him down<\/p>\n

With his herd of 10 elephants.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BUT HE WAS SURPRISED!<\/p>\n

And captured in an ambush;<\/p>\n

His elephants were died white<\/p>\n

and sent into the brush.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now Earl McSwagger hangs by the arms<\/p>\n

In an underground bunker<\/p>\n

Set in the heart of Antarctica\u2026<\/p>\n

Who was this fucker?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dr. Muskeegee<\/p>\n

had him on a rack.<\/p>\n

This really hurt because before<\/p>\n

Dr. Sol broke his back.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They put a bit between his ears<\/p>\n

Like through a horse\u2019s mouth.<\/p>\n

They were trying to brainwash him<\/p>\n

Earl thought with little doubt. Earl shed<\/p>\n

no tears. But he may have made a shout.<\/p>\n

But just then Duke roars in<\/p>\n

And chewed the bonds so stout<\/p>\n

Bit Muskegee in the crotch<\/p>\n

And shows the staggering Earl<\/p>\n

out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Earl used his fingernails<\/p>\n

To cut through the ice;<\/p>\n

his best bet was<\/p>\n

They were in some crevasse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He finally reached the top<\/p>\n

And broke out a light.<\/p>\n

\u201cTime for the McSwagg Signal\u201d<\/p>\n

Shivering through the night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The American Eagle<\/p>\n

who happened to be close by<\/p>\n

Saw Earl\u2019s signal\u2014<\/p>\n

The McSwagg Eye. And he<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

flew to pick him up,<\/p>\n

with Duke under his wing;<\/p>\n

Earl McSwagger<\/p>\n

Though not dead<\/p>\n

Was severely suffering.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Eagle flew him back<\/p>\n

To his woods and and to his pines<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve just about been had,\u201d<\/p>\n

Earl said with head declined.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But Earl made himself a tea<\/p>\n

And stumbled to his old familiar chair.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a lot more to say. But for now<\/p>\n

i\u2019ll leave it there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chris Skiles Earl McSwagger eats his pulmonary embolisms for breakfast; he says they’re high in protein. When his doctor asks why he keeps them he says they keep him lean and mean but not a Marine.   Earl McSwagger was asked To host Kid Jeopardy in the future So he travelled through time. One of … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Earl McSwagger Vol. 4”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":64,"featured_media":0,"parent":11,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-458","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/64"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=458"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/458\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":459,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/458\/revisions\/459"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/11"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/19-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}