{"id":393,"date":"2025-11-14T00:23:30","date_gmt":"2025-11-14T00:23:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/?page_id=393"},"modified":"2025-11-15T16:03:49","modified_gmt":"2025-11-15T16:03:49","slug":"anxiety","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/poetry\/anxiety\/","title":{"rendered":"Anxiety"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jennifer McClellan<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It is unmistakable; this fear<\/span><\/p>\n

of falling through shaky sidewalks,<\/span><\/p>\n

straight into a bull\u2019s-eye.<\/span><\/p>\n

My heart pounds, beneath<\/span><\/p>\n

my hand against my chest.<\/span><\/p>\n

My choice wells up in my eyes like dew<\/span><\/p>\n

drops on the lips of pale pink rose petals<\/span><\/p>\n

along the pathway\u2019s edge.<\/span><\/p>\n

The late October trees stand like fortune tellers;<\/span><\/p>\n

their paint-dipped limbs bend in the breeze<\/span><\/p>\n

and tell me this isn\u2019t the end of the world<\/span><\/p>\n

despite my stance on a cliff\u2019s ledge.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wish I believed that, but one thing<\/span><\/p>\n

growing up gave me is a pair of downcast<\/span><\/p>\n

eyes that can identify traps, easy as spotting<\/span><\/p>\n

cracks in the concrete at my feet.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve got sageness on my side now<\/span><\/p>\n

in this thirty-something misery;<\/span><\/p>\n

I wear it like my favorite perfume,<\/span><\/p>\n

but it can\u2019t calm the urgency of feeling<\/span><\/p>\n

like I have to fix everything today.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wait in line, hesitant to take a swing<\/span><\/p>\n

at the pinata, not sure if wings or horns<\/span><\/p>\n

will escape and follow me home tonight.<\/span><\/p>\n

This polarity is not a pretty thing<\/span><\/p>\n

like a vintage yin-yang pendant.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s too complex for any one human<\/span><\/p>\n

to fix, just like trying to skip rocks<\/span><\/p>\n

against the moon from this angle<\/span><\/p>\n

here on Melody Hill.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I hide it well, most days: my need<\/span><\/p>\n

to scream, but today it feels impossible.<\/span><\/p>\n

It sits in my throat like a wick,<\/span><\/p>\n

just above my gasoline-soaked heart,<\/span><\/p>\n

both ready for a spark to ignite,<\/span><\/p>\n

incinerate the label of burnout.<\/span><\/p>\n

I burn brightly; let that be enough<\/span><\/p>\n

to light my way to the opening<\/span><\/p>\n

of the artist lands I dream of. A place<\/span><\/p>\n

I can stand with other screamers<\/span><\/p>\n

and let my voice thrive in refuge,<\/span><\/p>\n

where night feels different<\/span><\/p>\n

than a stalker at my window,<\/span><\/p>\n

and day feels different<\/span><\/p>\n

than a public examination.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But right now, in this waiting line<\/span><\/p>\n

eye contact is a nervous trip when<\/span><\/p>\n

generalizations absorb on strangers\u2019 tongues<\/span><\/p>\n

like artificial flavor, so easy to believe,<\/span><\/p>\n

but the chemistry needs dissecting.<\/span><\/p>\n

Am I rare or invisible<\/span><\/p>\n

in this world with eyes like tunnels<\/span><\/p>\n

and minds like rusted gates?<\/span><\/p>\n

The child in me wants to slam<\/span><\/p>\n

my door, pour cement in the locks<\/span><\/p>\n

and seams, let agoraphobic fears grow,<\/span><\/p>\n

but as the poll worker motions me forward<\/span><\/p>\n

I am brave and do not tremble.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\nJennifer McClellan   It is unmistakable; this fear of falling through shaky sidewalks, straight into a bull\u2019s-eye. My heart pounds,…\n<\/div>\n
Continue reading “Anxiety”<\/span>…<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":89,"featured_media":0,"parent":322,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-393","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/393","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/89"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=393"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/393\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":395,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/393\/revisions\/395"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/322"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=393"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}