Brock Aldus
What happens when Death chooses to resign? She has a rough job, after all, she’s been at it for quite a while. Don’t you ever think she deserves a break? Well, I suppose what we think doesn’t really matter; she is determined to quit by any means necessary. I didn’t know that Death could become suicidal, but now it’s our problem. She tasked you and I to pick out the how so let’s get brainstorming.
Rope? Nah it’s way too coarse and uncomfortable, plus slow.
A gun is quick but just too messy. Remember, we double as the cleaning crew. It’s important to keep these things in mind.
Maybe a knife? Keep it simple? Hmmm actually, on second thought that would mean she would need to either use a dull knife which is slow, painful, and just ineffective or get a whetstone and who even knows where to find a whetstone anymore? So a knife is a no-go.
Sleeping on the freeway could be good but it’s just too inconsistent to rely on others.
I guess we need to get more creative.
Chlorine gas is easy to make!! Just bleach and ammonia and boom, death straight out 1914!! Well, more like eventual death from agonizingly slow lung damage. Gotta keep it snappy.
Guillotine is classic I gotta say. But it’s a bit too…French? I don’t think she deserves that disrespect.
Burning could be fun! Like when people dared to be doctors or whatever in old times! We could even make s’mores. Hmmm but then we’d need to build a really big fire and have her sit in it or something and ugh that’d be so much work, not to mention the cleanup. Next!
OOOOO NAPALM!!! Just some gasoline and Styrofoam and you have yourself a fresh homemade batch of war crimes (made with extra love)! Yep, this is it. How Death will die. We just gotta…buy…the gasol…shit. We don’t have the budget for this suicide.
Ugh well we need something.
Thermite maybe? Just mix up one part aluminum and three parts rust and we got ourselves one crispy reaper!
Actually, wait. Pause. Roll it back a bit. Is this a good idea? I know she wants this, but isn’t this sorta a big deal? I mean what happens when she succeeds? I guess her death would be the last one ever. Hmmmm and with her out of the picture I have a bad feeling her sisters might want to claim her throne. I for one am not keen on having Pestilence reduce us to rotting husks. Or for Famine to take away my snacks. Oh, and the starving forever thing. But mostly snacks. And most of all, I do not consent to work under the toxic management that is War and her never ending campaigns upon the world. Listen, I know it’s a tough choice, but I think we need to tell her no, she can’t quit, not yet. Like it or not I think she’s in this for just a teensy bit longer. I mean she’s been doing this for the last, what, few bajillion years or something? What’s a couple hundred more?
Actually, y’know what, I am just feeling so generous today. Why don’t you go and break the good news that she gets to keep her job!