{"id":169,"date":"2026-04-07T22:17:16","date_gmt":"2026-04-07T22:17:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/?page_id=169"},"modified":"2026-04-13T02:48:39","modified_gmt":"2026-04-13T02:48:39","slug":"searching-for-the-girl-i-used-to-be","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/poetry\/searching-for-the-girl-i-used-to-be\/","title":{"rendered":"Searching for the Girl I Used to Be"},"content":{"rendered":"

Morgan Thomas<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I go looking for her sometimes\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

the girl I left behind.<\/span><\/p>\n

She\u2019s small in my memory now,<\/span><\/p>\n

a faded silhouette<\/span><\/p>\n

running through tall grass<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t quite reach anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I call her name,<\/span><\/p>\n

but the years echo louder.<\/span><\/p>\n

They swallowed her laughter first,<\/span><\/p>\n

then her wildness,<\/span><\/p>\n

then the softness she carried<\/span><\/p>\n

without ever knowing it was rare.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I search in the places<\/span><\/p>\n

I once buried wonder\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

between old fears,<\/span><\/p>\n

under broken dreams,<\/span><\/p>\n

inside the walls I built<\/span><\/p>\n

to survive what she couldn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sometimes I catch a glimpse:<\/span><\/p>\n

a flutter in my chest,<\/span><\/p>\n

a spark behind my ribs,<\/span><\/p>\n

a trace of sunlight<\/span><\/p>\n

that doesn\u2019t belong here.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But she\u2019s shy now.<\/span><\/p>\n

Skittish.<\/span><\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t trust the world<\/span><\/p>\n

that taught her to hide.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I sit quietly,<\/span><\/p>\n

hands open,<\/span><\/p>\n

heart soft\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

and wait.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I tell her I\u2019m sorry<\/span><\/p>\n

for leaving her in the dark.<\/span><\/p>\n

For growing up too fast.<\/span><\/p>\n

For trading her magic<\/span><\/p>\n

for armor I never wanted.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And slowly,<\/span><\/p>\n

like dawn slipping over the horizon,<\/span><\/p>\n

she steps toward me\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

barefoot, gentle, trembling.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

She lifts her small hand,<\/span><\/p>\n

placing it inside mine,<\/span><\/p>\n

and for the first time in years<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel something bloom:<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A spark.<\/span><\/p>\n

A warmth.<\/span><\/p>\n

A remembering.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I realize\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

I never lost her.<\/span><\/p>\n

She was just waiting<\/span><\/p>\n

for me to come back<\/span><\/p>\n

and finally<\/span><\/p>\n

believe I was worth finding.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Morgan Thomas I go looking for her sometimes\u2014 the girl I left behind. She\u2019s small in my memory now, a faded silhouette running through tall grass I can\u2019t quite reach anymore.   I call her name, but the years echo louder. They swallowed her laughter first, then her wildness, then the softness she carried without… <\/p>\n

Read more Searching for the Girl I Used to Be<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":0,"parent":21,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-169","page","type-page","status-publish","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/169","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/90"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=169"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/169\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":171,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/169\/revisions\/171"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=169"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}