{"id":217,"date":"2026-04-12T17:00:52","date_gmt":"2026-04-12T17:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/?page_id=217"},"modified":"2026-04-24T22:03:12","modified_gmt":"2026-04-24T22:03:12","slug":"life-before","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/fiction\/life-before\/","title":{"rendered":"Life Before"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jennifer Wang<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao tells me that I\u2019ve lost this game. I don\u2019t believe him, but he\u2019s the one who taught me the rules. I didn\u2019t play many card games when I was living, and my wife was always better than me at mahjong. So it was a lot to try to follow this new game, and I might not have made the best choices. He did offer to give hints. I\u2019d refused and said I wanted to play for real.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy be so hard on yourself? We\u2019re dead.\u201d he says. \u201cThis game is complicated. It took me a few years to master.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cActually, I was curious why I couldn\u2019t just absorb the rules instantly.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s another thing that reminds us that we are both still new here. The way things work\u2013we\u2019re still unsure. The other day Ah Bao tried to fly, or rather, jumped up, anticipating a weightlessness that never occurred.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why we had this notion that the afterlife would make us superhuman. Movies and TV were probably to blame. Our bodies didn\u2019t even revert back to a more youthful state when we arrived here. And for those who did die due to severe injury, it seemed that the physical aftermath did not get reversed, but was made unnoticeable instead. One day, we met a woman whose leg was amputated to prevent the spread of infection but whose body ultimately succumbed. While she indeed did not have one leg anymore, the fact simply did not register to me or Ah Bao until she\u2019d explained how she\u2019d gotten here, and only then did our minds see that she was different from us with all our limbs intact. What\u2019s more, her mobility wasn\u2019t affected at all. She had a true phantom limb, but without any pain.<\/span><\/p>\n

So this afterlife is at least merciful. We\u2019re grateful for that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t expect Ah Bao to become my friend\u2013if he\u2019d call us that\u2013in our afterlives. He\u2019d immigrated to the states from Fujian, and I from Shanghai, areas nearly eight hundred kilometers apart. Stereotypes of his home city immediately crowded my mind, some non-complimentary. But now that we were dead, it seemed wrong to think this way, so I worked to suppress my assumptions.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I died and came-to here, I\u2019m embarrassed to say that of all the questions on my mind, the first was wondering if I would cross paths with Xiao Ming again. We\u2019d both immigrated from Shanghai but didn\u2019t know it until we worked as servers together at Jade Garden. In our new country, his ambition was to become a mechanical engineer, taking classes around his schedule at the restaurant. I was struggling through English classes so that I could re-become an accountant. It was clear he had a babyface, but upon learning his age in one of our early conversations, the force of my jealousy surprised me anyway. If I had emigrated at his age, I thought, I could be so much further along by now. In truth, I hated grammar lessons and did not have a memory for vocabulary.<\/span><\/p>\n

After a few years living in his cousin\u2019s home, Xiao Ming eventually graduated and got his first engineering job, low on the rung but nonetheless white-collar, with benefits, in an office. For some reason, seeing him succeed only reminded me of how far I had to go, not what I could also hope to achieve. Just the idea of such a journey exhausted me. And for all his success, even he couldn\u2019t escape death\u2014by car accident. But frankly, long before being shocked by the news about him, the allure of making a paycheck right away from restaurant work had pulled me away from pursuing my education. That was my greatest regret. But at least I could serve as a cautionary tale for my daughter, Hannah.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s the first thing that Ah Bao and I learned about each other: both of us have daughters, or had. His is named Victoria\u2014Vicky\u2014and older than Hannah by four years, almost legal to drink when he\u2019d died. After I\u2019d arrived here, I found a bench and sat on it, taking deep breaths, trying to look calm and like I knew I was meant to be here, when he walked up and asked me what I was thinking about. I didn\u2019t really make small talk with strangers back in Houston, so at first I didn\u2019t know how to react. Ah Bao claims that I scowled at him, but I don\u2019t think that\u2019s true. I do remember Hannah telling me once that she saw my \u201cmad\u201d face often. For a week or two after her comment, I asked my wife to check my expressions. She scoffed at me for letting our daughter get to me this way; she said that Hannah was too sensitive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Since then, Ah Bao and I have gotten together for a drink a few times. Everything seems to be provided for in this afterworld, so we have time to shoot the shit. It\u2019s been a real adjustment from the constraints in our past lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

Today I\u2019m in a curious mood. I ask him if he had ever let Vicky have some beer or wine at home, with his supervision. It feels a little nosey, but I want to know what kind of father he had been and whether how I went about being a father was typical, if not right. Before, I didn\u2019t know who to ask. Actually, it didn\u2019t feel like something people asked at all, or if they did, I would guess they\u2019d probably ask their own fathers first.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao shakes his head. \u201cNo. Did you? Let your daughter drink?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust a sip of my beer bubbles. The foam made her laugh, but she didn\u2019t actually like the taste. Soda was her favorite.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVicky, too. Then in high school, she started asking for energy drinks. Said she needed them for getting through homework, club activities, so busy all the time. We dropped her off at college with a wholesale case of them in her favorite flavor\u2014kiwi strawberry. My wife didn\u2019t want to after reading more about the drinks, but I said Vicky was a smart girl who knew her limits.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHannah loved kiwis. Even when they were sour, she smiled as she ate them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao laughs. \u201cWere you also like this when you were alive? Always ending up talking about your daughter somehow.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere wasn\u2019t much else I talked about with everyone at Jade Garden. We\u2019d all work like dogs, dealing with all kinds of diners, and go home as soon as we can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about the news? Politics? Sports?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSports, not really. Or maybe when the World Cup was going on. But news, politics, well. Once someone talked about Taiwan during a break. Pretty soon a shouting match broke out, and the few diners at the time stared at us. The boss shut us down and told us to offer them dessert on the house, you know, cheap ice cream. Then when we all started getting smartphones, the only issue was reminding people to use earbuds whenever they watched videos.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVicky cried for a week until we \u2018finally\u2019 got her a phone for her thirteenth birthday. We were originally going to make her wait until high school.\u201d Ah Bao does a great impression of his daughter\u2019s eye roll.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI get it. I wasn\u2019t good at saying no either.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0On some days, I do not accept my death very well. For one thing, this afterlife doesn\u2019t look so different from the life we left behind. There are houses and parks and roads, a sky above us and the ground beneath us. Some things though, such as the sensation of hunger or its opposite, being too stuffed, don\u2019t apply here. Ah Bao and I have never felt our bellies bloating or faces warming, even after a long drinking session. As a result, time blurs.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao has been more than patient with me. He says he went through the same process, that it\u2019s unavoidable. Still, he\u2019s not a saint, and today I know I\u2019ve been difficult.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wish I didn\u2019t have an afterlife. What\u2019s the point without my family?\u201d Off Ah Bao\u2019s look I add, \u201cNo offense.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He laughs at me. \u201cWhat was the point of life?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think he meant to affect me this way, but I feel outsmarted. Although I have more time than I ever did while living, abstract subjects like philosophy were never my strength. Maybe the afterlife was forcing me to contemplate.<\/span><\/p>\n

Luckily he doesn\u2019t seem to press me for an answer. So I ask, \u201cHave you ever come across people you used to know?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLike who?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t play dumb, Ah Bao. Like relatives, friends. People who died before you. Or even people who died after you, but you didn\u2019t find out until seeing them here.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cLast week I saw my first wife.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I shouldn\u2019t have scolded him. He\u2019d mentioned he left behind a wife when we first met, like me, but I hadn\u2019t known she was a second.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe died of cancer before we could have a child. And so yes, Vicky is me and my second wife\u2019s.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I grapple for words. \u201cDid you talk?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA little. Just to confirm who each of us were, and wish each other the best.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re dead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what I mean. We can still be polite.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid she know you remarried?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019d encouraged me to remarry before she died, but no, I didn\u2019t tell her I did. What does it matter now anyway? We\u2019re both here.\u201d He mimes cutting his throat.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHa. But do you think you\u2019ll see her again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For a moment it appears I\u2019ve stumped Ah Bao.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not sure. I might remind her of the life she lost. And if that upsets her, then there\u2019s no reason for us to meet again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, I shouldn\u2019t have asked about this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s okay. Being interviewed by you somehow makes time go by faster.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t have anywhere to rush to, but I\u2019ll take that as a compliment anyway.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOK, my turn. I have a question, but you don\u2019t have to answer it if you don\u2019t want to,\u201d Ah Bao says to me later. We\u2019ve had two beers each; the empty bottles form a sort of centerpiece on the small table. Last time when we got together, they disappeared before my impulse to clear the table could kick in. After a life in America of serving tables, this has been the most wondrous part of this afterlife \u2014 seeing food appear and disappear without me doing anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

I pat my belly, if only out of habit. \u201cAlright. Go ahead.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you have a grave?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo. I\u2019d asked to be cremated.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIn a will?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t have one when I passed. But I\u2019d mentioned to my wife that it would be what I wanted if I had to go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWas that a tough discussion?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot really. We were both on the couch after work. I think I was having a beer, and my wife a juice. She had healthier habits. Some guy was dying in a bad way in a war movie we were watching. The way I saw it, he couldn\u2019t choose the way he died, nor the way he\u2019d be dealt with afterward. I didn\u2019t want it to be like that for me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s wise. Hey, are you alright?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I touch my face, find the wet spots under my eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy turn to say sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have brought this up,\u201d he says.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s alright. It\u2019s stupid. I know that I\u2019m here, and my family\u2019s not. There\u2019s nothing to be done. And I want them to live their lives. I don\u2019t even want them to burn offerings for me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao doesn\u2019t raise his voice to match mine. \u201cYou don\u2019t mean that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFine. But I really thought that I\u2019d stop suffering here. It didn\u2019t seem so unreasonable to assume that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have the answer, but I hope your pain won\u2019t last long, and I won\u2019t be far away if you need me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I gather myself, thank him and say maybe I just needed rest, as if that wasn\u2019t all we did here. He says it\u2019s a good sign that I can maintain a sense of humor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of the usual blankness that accompanies my sleep, I am standing in the backyard of a home I don\u2019t recognize. The house is three stories with barely any space between it and similar houses on either side of it. A firm wind threatens to whip leaves off the older trees along the yard\u2019s edges. And the fog overhead, so thick and fast-moving, as if it were racing to cover the land.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao never mentioned anything like this happening to him before. I look around for him or anyone else to explain why I\u2019m here and what I should be doing.<\/span><\/p>\n

After another minute, the wind and rustling die down, and through the stillness I notice a woman framed in the second floor window, partially hidden by the blinds. I track her by her head of long dark hair as she moves around. She seems utterly focused on her task, neck craned at such an angle that I feel pained just seeing it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I take a step forward to try and get a better look, then stop myself because I wonder if I\u2019m even supposed to be here, or supposed to remain hidden.<\/span><\/p>\n

Behind her I see a young man approaching her, smooth and silent like a cat. I don\u2019t know if she knows him.<\/span><\/p>\n

Although she may not be able to hear me, I can\u2019t help myself. I open my mouth to alert her, but before I can find my voice, just then everything ceases to be.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

Same as when I was alive, I am no good at hiding things now. We\u2019ve barely begun our walk when Ah Bao directs us to a table under a tree and offers to talk about what\u2019s on my mind. I laugh at first because I\u2019m suddenly reminded of an old wall decoration back at Jade Garden. It was something mass-produced, featuring a painted scene of old Chinese poet-philosophers stroking their long beards, admiring the trees and other nature around them. Who knows how many times I walked past it, not giving a damn, rushing from table to table with orders and checks? And here we are now, idling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, last night, I saw something,\u201d I start. Ah Bao listens patiently as I describe what I saw. \u201cThen I was grabbed or tugged away, hard. At one point, it felt like I was choking. I don\u2019t even remember dying being so painful.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA very vivid dream.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so. I remember what dreaming is like. I could feel things. The dampness in the air, and all the sounds.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

After a minute he says, \u201cWhatever it was, you\u2019re not meant to be there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes I wish he\u2019d unfurl without me having to pry. I have to resist the urge to snap at him, but I need to know more. \u201cThere, as in back where we were alive? How do you know?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid you recognize the woman?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I decide to be honest. \u201cI didn\u2019t get a clear look at her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about anything else where you were?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot really. The weather for sure was nothing like Houston\u2019s humid heat.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery interesting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought that people only appeared in places they\u2019ve been to before, or had some sort of connection to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re saying this has also happened to you then?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not trying to give you any ideas.\u201d Ah Bao can\u2019t hide the pride in his voice though. \u201cI got to see Vicky at her university. She\u2019s about to graduate.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was she doing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He shakes his head. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t for me to see.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDid she notice you? Did you try to make yourself known?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI was too shocked to say anything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The nosy part of me wants to know what he witnessed. It\u2019s not good of me. Instead I say, \u201cBut it was your daughter.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t right. I don\u2019t want to intrude on her like that. She could feel a presence. She was afraid.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard for me to not recall a family drawing that Hannah once brought home from school, something she did for art class in second grade. She\u2019d placed me in the middle and topped my stick figure body with an angry face, a wide letter \u201cv\u201d for my eyebrows. But to Ah Bao I say, \u201cIf she had known it was you, she wouldn\u2019t have been scared.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you understood that we are here, and our families are there. That\u2019s how it\u2019s meant to be. I mean, how it is now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know how to go back?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI feel like you know more.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does it matter? It won\u2019t give you peace.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd sitting here aimlessly as the hours, days\u2014time passes by. That\u2019s peace? I\u2019m going insane. Wait, I get it now. This is actually hell, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ah Bao turns away, leaving me. I want to follow him, but I\u2019m rooted to my seat, feeling a little dumb and ashamed after my outburst. I took him for granted. It\u2019s disappointing to see that dying didn\u2019t dampen my temper, though perhaps it was a little foolish to have expectations for the afterlife in the first place.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m no good alone though; Xiao Ming crosses my mind again. It annoys me to admit it but Ah Bao would like him, as they\u2019re both the intellectual type. Back in our Jade Garden days, when Xiao Ming wasn\u2019t studying during breaks, he read science fiction novels to challenge his English skills. I was always drawn to the bright covers. He would offer to let me borrow the few he owned, but I told him his reading level was far above mine. So instead, he talked to me about them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once, he got to explaining alternate universes to me. He\u2019d been in an especially good mood because he scored well on his semester exams, and he spoke almost too quickly for me to keep up with. I\u2019d also just finished with a fussy table that had left me no tip. The night before, we\u2019d taken Hannah to walk around the mall and she\u2019d called us poor for not buying her a dollhouse she wanted. Really, it was my fault. We should\u2019ve gone to a park, only it was chilly outside and she\u2019d just recovered from a cold. As a parent and in life, sometimes you make a choice and hope for the best. That wasn\u2019t what I got that day. So as Xiao Ming chatted away, all I could think about was how I wanted to close my eyes and dissolve.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry for boring you,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

There, I had done another thing wrong. He was the only one at Jade Garden I could speak in our native Shanghai tongue with, and he could have chosen to leave me by myself and read during his break time. I could at least listen to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, but alternate universes and dimensions and things like that are hard for me to grasp,\u201d I said.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust imagine you, but different.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018You, but different.\u2019 Me, but different. Like what, in another universe, I\u2019m rich?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSure. Or worse off. Or about the same, but something else in your life is different.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow far does it go? Me but with another hair color? Me but not Chinese? And this different me will never know about or see the current me, and vice versa?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think so. Look, it\u2019s a theory. It\u2019s just fun to imagine sometimes. Pass the time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Xiao Ming and I never talked about the concept again, and he quit Jade Garden not long after. He was going to work in an office, which may as well have been another universe to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

The last time I saw him, it was in passing at a Chinatown grocery store on the weekend. My wife and I had just picked up Hannah from her ballet class. Xiao Ming was alone but told us he\u2019d gotten married, and that they were expecting a child. So much development! We exchanged some small talk about how busy they\u2019d soon be, but the conversation didn\u2019t last much longer because Hannah fussed about picking out her choice of snack.<\/span><\/p>\n

So when Xiao Ming died, I couldn\u2019t believe it. He had finally gotten everything he had hoped for: degree, job, family. I was so angry for him that I forgot I\u2019d been jealous of him, and the fact that I had been also quickly turned into a source of private embarrassment.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was no sense in that universe. Yet we\u2019d both made something of it in the time we had.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if Xiao Ming would agree with me, but by being here and having the experience I had, I have no choice but to believe in the ideas of his books. The notion of existing alongside our previous world, instead of being removed from it forever, is easier for me to accept. Ah Bao said finding a way back wouldn\u2019t give me peace. What he didn\u2019t understand is that just the hope of another chance is enough for me. Isn\u2019t that what got us through each day of our lives?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jennifer Wang Ah Bao tells me that I\u2019ve lost this game. I don\u2019t believe him, but he\u2019s the one who taught me the rules. I didn\u2019t play many card games when I was living, and my wife was always better than me at mahjong. So it was a lot to try to follow this new… <\/p>\n

Read more Life Before<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":89,"featured_media":0,"parent":17,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-217","page","type-page","status-publish","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/217","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/89"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=217"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/217\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":319,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/217\/revisions\/319"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/17"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=217"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}