{"id":305,"date":"2026-04-22T20:17:36","date_gmt":"2026-04-22T20:17:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/?page_id=305"},"modified":"2026-04-22T20:35:19","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T20:35:19","slug":"manner-of-termination","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/euphemism.illinoisstate.edu\/21-2\/fiction\/manner-of-termination\/","title":{"rendered":"Manner of Termination"},"content":{"rendered":"

Brock Aldus<\/span><\/p>\n

What happens when Death chooses to resign? She has a rough job, after all, she\u2019s been at it for quite a while. Don\u2019t you ever think she deserves a break? Well, I suppose what we think doesn\u2019t really matter; she is\u00a0determined<\/i><\/b>\u00a0to quit by any means necessary. I didn\u2019t know that Death could become suicidal, but now it\u2019s our problem. She\u00a0tasked\u00a0you and I to pick out the\u00a0how<\/i>\u00a0so let\u2019s get brainstorming.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Rope? Nah it\u2019s way too coarse and uncomfortable, plus slow.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A gun is quick but just too messy. Remember, we double as the cleaning crew. It\u2019s important to keep these things in mind.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe a knife? Keep it simple? Hmmm actually, on second thought that would mean she would need to either use a dull knife which is slow, painful, and just ineffective or get a\u00a0whetstone<\/i>\u00a0and who even knows where to find a whetstone anymore?\u00a0So\u00a0a knife is a no-go.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sleeping on the freeway\u00a0could\u00a0<\/i>be good but it\u2019s just too inconsistent to rely on others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess we need to\u00a0get\u00a0more creative.\u202f\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Chlorine gas is easy to make!! Just bleach and ammonia and boom, death straight out 1914!! Well, more like eventual death from agonizingly slow lung damage. Gotta keep it snappy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Guillotine is classic I\u00a0gotta\u00a0say. But it\u2019s a bit too\u2026French? I don\u2019t think she deserves that disrespect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Burning could be fun! Like when people dared to be\u00a0doctors<\/i>\u00a0or whatever in old times! We could even make s\u2019mores. Hmmm but then we\u2019d need to build a\u00a0really big\u00a0fire and have her sit in it or something and ugh that\u2019d be so much work, not to mention the cleanup. Next!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

OOOOO NAPALM!!! Just some gasoline and\u00a0Styrofoam\u00a0and you have yourself a fresh homemade batch of war crimes (made with extra love)! Yep, this is it. How Death will die. We just\u00a0gotta\u2026buy\u2026the\u00a0gasol\u2026shit. We don\u2019t have the budget for this suicide.\u202f\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ugh well we need\u00a0something<\/i>.\u202f\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Thermite maybe? Just mix up one part aluminum and three parts rust and we got ourselves one crispy reaper!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Actually, wait. Pause. Roll it back a bit. Is this a good idea? I know she wants this, but isn\u2019t this\u00a0sorta\u00a0a big deal? I mean what happens when she succeeds? I guess her death would be the last one ever.\u00a0Hmmmm\u00a0and with her out of the picture I have a bad feeling her sisters might want to claim her throne. I for one am not keen on having Pestilence reduce us to rotting husks. Or for Famine to take away my snacks. Oh, and the starving forever thing. But mostly snacks. And most of all, I do not consent to work under the toxic management that is War and her\u00a0never ending\u00a0campaigns upon the world. Listen, I know it\u2019s a tough choice, but I think we need to tell her no, she can\u2019t quit, not yet. Like it or not I think she\u2019s in this for just a teensy bit longer. I mean she\u2019s been doing this for the last, what, few bajillion years or something? What\u2019s a couple hundred more?\u202f\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Actually, y\u2019know\u00a0what, I am just feeling\u00a0so\u00a0<\/i>generous today. Why don\u2019t\u00a0you\u00a0<\/b>go and break the good news that she gets to keep her job!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Brock Aldus What happens when Death chooses to resign? She has a rough job, after all, she\u2019s been at it for quite a while. Don\u2019t you ever think she deserves a break? Well, I suppose what we think doesn\u2019t really matter; she is\u00a0determined\u00a0to quit by any means necessary. I didn\u2019t know that Death could become… <\/p>\n

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