When I wake at 7am in your studio apartment and you’re still sleeping

I can hear your heart beat

Into my ear

Resting against your chest

 

This is the most calm I’ve ever felt your heart

(when I’ve been with you)

 

Is it me           or is it you           or is it both of us                and both of our expectations

                      and both of our insecurities                             and both of our skepticism

 

Or is that just me?

 

Or is it your adoration             your affection            your emotional instability

That makes your heart beat fast when you see me

but not when you can’t see me?

Maybe I just have that effect on you

 

Maybe the rose colored glasses you put on are your normal glasses

and mine are just lackluster compared to the deep pink cashmere you see

 

I think I might be thinking into it too much but I also think I have to after you told me

                                                                          you loved me

And I had to say no,                                                                            you don’t love me

 

You love the idea of me

you love the idea of being in love, but

you don’t love me

And I think that’s why when I wake before you

in your studio apartment

nowhere to go                      nowhere to hide                nowhere to think that isn’t visible

to you

I think that’s why

I can’t help but cling to you              to the idea of you             to the idea of love

but not to the idea of loving you

 

Not quite yet.

 

Because if I do that, if

I let that shield down if I say:

yes, I love you, I’m in love

with you

I don’t want to be in love with

Anyone.

Else.

Ever.

 

I’m afraid that you will say the same thing

And that we will be “happy”

 

But happy is fickle            happy LEAVES             happy doesn’t stay for the 3am nights

when you can’t sleep    when you’re stressed    when you’re sick  when you’re insecure

when you’ve been together so long that 3am                                   when you can predict

when you’ll leave to use the bathroom                        and come back at precisely 3:02am

 

But I want it                                            I want to lay with you in your studio apartment

at 11pm                        at 3am                 at 7am                       at 4pm                       at—

That’s all I could ever ask for.

 

And I hope that when you ask for someone to love you

you will do it in person                             face-to-face                                    inches away

with a smile on your face

with your cheeks turning as rosy as those glasses that have been embedded in your eyes

I hope that you will see
                                                                  everything

in such a way that makes you “happy”

 

Though I guess it would be better to say a way that makes you whole that completes you that complements you                                                                        and compliments you

 

and fights you              and disagrees with you                 and holds your hands when you drive

and squeezes your fingers when you stop too fast                                                 and—

I hope you get that for you.

And I hope I get that for you, too.