Chris Skiles
Earl McSwagger; puts up a dagger
When Satan Gang pulls out a gun.
They see the point in him; then they see the point in the dagger,
And then they turn around and run.
Earl McSwagger
Fought in Nam; they sent him back, though
Because with him they were winning too fast.
“Maybe I can fight for the other side,” he said.
Then they pointed him to Afghanistan.
In Afghanistan, he started to like:
The Russians, the French, the Albanians, the Australians— everyone, but the
Swiss, and thought something amiss. So he
decided to take up sheep-herding, in the mountains.
He did this for three years, and seeing the people
Raped and pillaged by the Americans enough, he decided
to take to the sea, where he
made a lifeboat out of turtles. The Caribbean gov’t.
Tried to tax him, but he said
“These turtles will live another two hundred years— that’s not fair.”
And they agreed.
So he cut off a lock of his hair, and gave it to them
And now it’s in the British National History Museum.
Earl McSwagger memorized the Bible,
But after it got stuck in his stomach so long, making him sick,
he removed the second b, and it all came to him.
He ate Revelation and shitted it for breakfast for his dog; for a while
the angels thought Duke was the son of god. It wasn’t The Duke’s large penis
that gave him away but rather his unmolesting of women.
Jesus was offended.
I’m not sure if it was the penis, or the reputation.
Anyway, Earl McSwagger sent him a free subscription to the Dish channel: “Earl McSwagger
Can Do It; You Can Too”; and Jesus totally forgave him.
Earl McSwagger was a chef once, in D.C.; he decided
to leave for the wild west. In a saloon, in bursts Satan Gang
But Duke’s shotgun lookout, and spits some bullets at them, and they run.
The spit burning on, smelled like beer.
Earl McSwagger
Was never much for hookers, but at
The Saloon they took a liking to him, and his food. He always rejected
Their kind remarks, said, “Once, in Tibet, I took an oath of modesty and celibacy, and though I’m
sorely tempted, I’ll just have to resign to my quarters in the back of the saloon alone, thank-you.”
It was not true; rather Earl McSwagger has started
his own monastery in Tibet, where
the t is quite good.
Earl McSwagger lives in a library
When he stops in N.Y.C.
He’s always complaining that it’s dirty. But really
he loves the cleaning lady, and is
trying to bust her balls. He makes Dinty Moore in the pot
And watches “Wheel of Fortune.” He hasn’t paid rent there in 30 years, but he’ll
occasionally do a book signing. Whoever wrote the book “don’t” matter.
Earl McSwagger
Loves the hotdog stand; he gets one for him, the dog
And the Dahli Llama, when he’s in town. They argue theology; but oftentimes
Earl McSwagger tends towards politics. He’s more conservative; though he
never liked Bush.
One time Earl McSwagger really had to go the bathroom
So into the first building he goes, and they’re
Having the United Nation Council, and as he unzips to pee
He can’t help but overhear, and in his modest rumble,
Solves world hunger.
Earl McSwagger doesn’t drink and drive. But he’ll
occasionally sleep and drive; he says the nightmares make him a safer driver.
Earl McSwagger was never a roadie, nor a groupie; but he met one once, broken
Down on the side of the road, in a wedding dress. Earl McSwagger said to give himself
A wedgie, when he turned the ignition, and press on the gas, too. And it
Started right up. Earl McSwagger
Is not much for love these days, but in Vegas,
He got married to a celebrity
Who apparently helped sway a South American election.
They divorced, but Earl McSwagger still sends alimony.
It takes ponies to deliver it high into the foggy mountains, Deep in the Amazon.
Earl McSwagger lived in a boat once; all alone
Though Duke had a girlfriend, who slept on the couch.
Sometimes Earl could get her to cook for him, and him likewise.
Earl McSwagger is not a permiscuous man; he has a framed photo
Of Mike Pence, he hangs up wherever hotel he stays at. The duct tape left
A mark, one time, and the hotelier asked Earl how much he’d charge for it. Earl said,”
Keep it; it’s a nice touch.”
Earl McSwagger bought a hotel once,
But Stephen King and The Family rented it out. And the rest
Is history.
Earl McSwagger failed his senior year. But the impromptu speech
on the fate of the Akita dog and the merits of
breathable, cotton jackets saved the day. He passed
With flying colors.