Paul Etayem
Darkness is bleak no matter what situation darkness presents itself. What we have to deduce when darkness presents itself to us is just how bleak that darkness is for us to overcome to see lightness again. Darkness is natural in life; everyone will see darkness at a point in their lives. Especially more than once (darkness likes to reap its head whenever it can get a chance). While Darkness sucks when you’re in the thick of the pitch-black space, feeling hopeless, sad, fearful, depressed, unmotivated, feeling like you don’t belong, and hating yourself… You always realize/find a way to get motivated to get out of the pitch-black darkness. You find a path to find and see the light again, you find “That Tick” that drives you to get out of that pitch-black darkness. Once out and you finally see the bright lights shining as if they never shined so bright before… you keep that light. Store it within you, because when darkness comes reaping its pitch-black head again you have that light that you stored guiding you through that pitch-black space to see that light burn and shine brighter than the last time you saw it.
One of the darkest moments where I was thrown into this pitch-black dark space for what felt like an eternity was losing myself when I went away for school in the fall. I went away for college out of state for what I thought to be the whole school year. I was super excited leading up to me going away, of course, I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to see my family and friends back home. I was going to miss them no matter how much I tried not to miss them, but not to a point where I would grow/become depressed about missing them (at least that was my thought at the time). Nonetheless, I was still super excited for college and being in a new place. Creating a new chapter in my life that I thought I would be able to enjoy, relive, develop new relationships for life, and tell my kids/grandkids about my college chapter in Allendale Michigan. I move in with the help of my parents, parents (especially mom) are very emotional and proud that “Their sons going away”, “There son seems to have a plan, (if not some semblance of a plan)”, “They finally have their kid out the house (at least temporarily)” (I’m sure you know and can relate how moms and dads’ “parents” are). When that was done and over with you say your emotional, waterworks (both you and your parents) temporary goodbye “See you soon” moment. Then you’re on your own and feel somewhat more independent now no matter how independent you were before you went away for college. Now officially starts your college chapter in your life, time for me to write this chapter of my life. Only thing was that my “College Chapter” started out extremely dark.
I quickly began hating my college experience in Allendale Michigan. I had a hard time making “real” friends. Most to everyone was just so fake, stuck up, entitled, sobby people to me. I never really was in spot where a good 87% of people I met there fit one to all these traits. I would meet people, have 15–20-minute good conversations with them, exchange social media info, etc. For the first time, I couldn’t get out of that situation. No matter how hard I try to avoid people and that situation I just couldn’t. I lived in the same building as them, no matter how much I tried to avoid them on campus I couldn’t because the campus was small and would always just run into seeing them. I couldn’t really leave campus to enjoy things outside of campus due to transportation limitations either.
Due to what I was currently going through, a feeling of loss stemmed. That feeling of loss was turning into depression and misery, which was by far the worst depression and misery I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. I wasn’t myself; I couldn’t get myself to feel like me again. I felt completely empty inside. I lost all motivation, desire, and drive for any/everything so much so that 99% of things didn’t matter at all to me anymore (take that as you like). I had no comfort to relive all the things I was feeling. One comfort I found and had was food. Food became my comfort, my escape. An escape from judgement and every other emotion I was feeling/felt at that time. It felt like food was the one thing that was not completely taken away or restricted unlike how most of my other comforts were.
My comfort led to a 30-pound weight gain which I grew more unmotivated, disgusted, empty, and lost with a resounding hatred towards myself. During that period, it felt like every day was a battle with myself physically and mentally. “Be better today Paul”, “Feel less empty Paul”, “Try to find something to get out of your room Paul”. Things/thoughts like that I would try to fight every day away at college. I was deep in the thick of that bleak pitch-black darkness space.
It got so bad to the point where I knew I couldn’t stay there any longer, I just couldn’t for my own sake. After about barely a month in I withdrew and came back home. My parents were super supportive and understanding about it which made it easier, and I thank them so much for that. While being at home, withdrawing from that Michigan College it helped me quite a bit and took a lot of the feelings I had while at college away. I didn’t completely absolve the feelings and still wasn’t out of the pitch-black space. With being home while nice in aspects, I would be lying if I said that I felt like a failure to my parents, that I let them down. That I couldn’t mentally or physically stick it out. While I don’t regret leaving (if anything I regret or wish I would’ve never gone there, to begin with) I still felt that stigma/feeling towards it all. Not to mention I still wasn’t motivated, had no desire or drive for anything, and hated my 30-gain pound self.
One of the most important people in my life up to that point also hated what I had become. So much to the point, she told me off and said I wasn’t good for her anymore. She said I’m too low for her now because of what I became physically. That hurt me super deeply and made me not move at all in that pitch-black dark space. With that happening to me and all the feelings and things I went through away in Allendale, I got this drive, desire, motivation to better myself again. Better myself back to the most recent period of my life I felt joyful and like me again. Also wanted to show that she was wrong about me being too low for her when I wasn’t a couple of months ago for her. I set a goal of using 30 pounds by the end of the year and feeling joyful and the best I can feel and felt again.
Within 2 months (October-December) I reached my goal. While this wasn’t the first time I reached a goal like this, reaching this goal specifically was most rewarding protonating previous goals exactly like this that I set for myself. It got me back to myself. It reaffirmed a feeling of sense and purpose for me and my life. It got back to feeling joyful and confident again, confidence not just in myself but in situations and feelings I went through while away at school. I learned how to handle and approach similar feelings and situations like that. It grants me a new perspective on life and a new perspective on how I do/see things.
Most of all it got me out of the bleak pitch-black dark space I was in and got me to see the brightest shining lights burn once I got out of the bleak black dark space. Adversity was the “tick” I needed and used to get out of the darkness into light and reach my goal in the light and have that bright light shining down on me.