Issue 11.1 Fall 2015

11.1 cover image

 

 

Bongs, Burgers, and a Dead Body

 

Nikki Monroe

 

 

About twelve seconds passed before he heard anything, until finally—cough, cough— “Jesus, dude why’d you take such a big rip? You know we don’t have much left! Asshole,” Kyle smiled, still coughing, as smoke rolled off of his lips and into his nose.

 

“Honestly dude, you just need to relax. Here, you can have the rest,” he said as he held the bong out to Charlie, who was sitting in the loveseat across from him.

 

“Oh, yeah what a gentleman. Letting me have the last of my own fucking weed,” Charlie snarled as he put his mouth to the pipe. Two hits later and he was gone.

 

They sat in their living room, melting into the furniture, with Judge Judy in the background. “Hey, Charlie,” Kyle asked without turning his head.

 

“What?” Charlie responded in the same manner.

 

“I’m starving. Can we please get food?”

 

“Yeah I’m pretty hungry too. Wendy’s?” Kyle snapped his head to look at Charlie.

 

“What the fuck, man? You know Wendy’s my ex. Too soon.”

 

“Wendy? The girl you dated for a month like two years ago? Didn’t she dump you after you told her you loved her while she was blowing you?”

 

“Like I said, too soon.” Kyle said, slowly turning his head back toward Judge Judy.

 

“Fine, fine. What about White Castle?”

 

“Ahhh, yeah. The only problem is your name’s not Harold and my name’s not Kumar. Plus, I’ve seen that movie and I feel like if we go to White Castle we’re gonna meet up with Neil Patrick Harris and some weird shit’s gonna happen.”

 

“Shut up and get your car keys.”

 

They shut the door behind them and walked down the three flights of stairs it took to get to the parking lot.

 

“God dammit, I’m outta shape,” Kyle sighed. “No, idiot. You’re a stoner with shitty lung capacity.” Kyle ignored him and pulled his key out of his pocket. He walked around to the driver’s side of his black Dodge Stratus and tried to stick the key into the lock, but couldn’t get it to go all the way in.

 

“What the hell, dude? Why would my key get bigger all of a sudden? I’ve had this thing for three years.” Charlie came over to the driver’s side and snatched the key out of his hand.

 

“This is the key to the apartment! Now we gotta go all the way back upstairs you shitbag.”

 

“Na uh, nope. If I go back up those stairs right now I will literally die, we can’t do that option. It’s only like a mile down the road, we can totally do that.”

 

“A mile is way longer than going back up to the apartment you know.” “Then you go back upstairs and get it!”

 

So, they started walking to White Castle. The way all stoner shenanigans inevitably begin. “God it’s so hot. I sure wish I were in a car with an A/C and not walking to get food like a Neanderthal.”

 

“Man, why are you always so mean to me Charlie? Plus, we’re both high we probably shouldn’t even be driving anyway,” Kyle snapped.

 

“It’s hot, I’m stoned and I’m starving. I just wanna get there, eat, and get back to the couch,” Charlie drily replied.

 

They walked the half mile left of the journey in silence. 25 minutes later, they reached the Holy Grail; White Castle. They both ordered fries and a large drink to go with the 40 sliders they ordered to split between them. After they demolished their food, they decided to trek back home before they both fell into a food coma.

 

“I’m gonna puuukkkee,” Kyle groaned while rubbing his belly, pregnant with his food baby.

 

“Dude, you’ve been complaining for the last half mile. Shut up.”

 

“There’s a whole ‘nother half mile?? Fuuuuck.”

 

Charlie ignored Kyle’s complaints and kept walking. They were almost to the edge of the woods which he knew meant they were only actually another quarter mile from the house, but seeing Kyle so aggravated amused him so he kept it to himself. They decided to take a shortcut through the woods on the way back.

 

After stumbling over the rocks and brush, they reached the creek they needed to cross to get home. They started walking toward the water when they heard the echoed sound of heavy footsteps heading their way.

 

“Shit, cops!” Kyle franticly whispered to Charlie. They scrambled, trying to be as quiet as possible, to find anything to hide behind. They ran back in the direction they came from and each found a tree to hide behind. “SHIT,” Charlie mouthed to Kyle, both looking at each other wide-eyed and panicked.

 

Two men wearing black trench coats emerged and made their way toward the creek, one of the men holding a knife to the throat of their prey. Their victim’s hands were bound and his mouth taped shut. Once they got to a good spot, they threw him to the ground and one of the men quickly bound his ankles together.

 

“Are you ready to be sacrificed in the name of our Dark Lord Satan?” One of the men inquired, a grin slowly making its way across his face. Their victim writhed and bucked, trying to find any way out that he could.

 

“He’s clearly excited. Let’s begin.”

 

One of the men cracked open a pristine black leather-bound book and began reading while the next man secured the victim to the ground and lit five candles and placed them around his body. During this time, Kyle army crawled over to the same tree Charlie was behind (against his wishes).

 

So now, Kyle was standing facing Charlie, almost nose to nose, silently crying while trying to stay hidden. “Shut up!” Charlie whispered. “Okay, I think I’ve got it,” he continued,” we’re just gonna—“

 

His thought was interrupted by a slicing noise, followed by gurgling. Kyle peeked beyond the tree to see one of the men slide the knife away from their victim’s neck while he lay on the forest floor, life spilling out of him.

 

“Holy fuck, holy fuck,” Kyle whispered. “What? Tell me what’s happening I can’t move my head.” Kyle peeked out one more time to see the men gather the victim’s blood in an ornate chalice and then take turns sipping it slowly.

 

Kyle moved his head back to once again face Charlie. Charlie’s eyebrow raised, searching for a response.

 

“Charlie, that was normal weed right? Like we didn’t smoke pot laced with anything correct? Nothing that would cause hallucinations?”

 

“What? No, why?”

 

“Oh my god,” Kyle began, sniffling. “There are motherfucking fancy vampires in these woods.”

 

“Vampires?”

 

“Yeah, that book they were reading from was fancy as hell, they had some Yankee candles goin’, and they just slit that poor dude’s throat and drank his fucking blood!”

 

Charlie stopped for a moment before realizing what was going on.“You idiot, they aren’t vampires. The reading, the candles; it was a ritual. They just sacrificed that dude to some unholy shit and that means we’re next if we don’t get the fuck out of here.”

 

“Oh my God I don’t wanna die stoned! Well, I mean I do, but not like this!” Kyle said hysterically.

 

“Be cool,” Charlie told him. He crouched down and looked down at the creek. The men were washing their hands in the creek. “Okay, they’re distracted. We’re just gonna have to make a break for it.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait! Why don’t we just wait till they’re gone?”

 

“Do you think they’re gonna go back the same way? They just killed a dude. They’re probably gonna go find somewhere across town to hide or something. They’re gonna walk right past us, see us hiding here, and then do the same shit that they did to that guy.”

 

Kyle closed his eyes and nodded. They both could feel each individual heartbeat, partially because of fear, partially because of how high they were. They waited until the men were drying their hands and their knife with some towels before running. “Now!” Charlie shouted as the two shot out from behind the tree, sprinting as fast as they could.

 

The men in trench coats snapped their heads to attention, clearly shocked. As the boys charged toward them, the men dropped everything and widened their arms out in an attempt to catch them. Kyle, screaming the entire time, ran right for one of the men and, at the very last moment, shot his fist out, knocking the man to the ground as Kyle charged onward.

 

By the time Charlie was nearly past the creek, the second man had picked up his knife. Charlie was almost to him when the man stuck the knife out toward where Charlie would’ve been if he hadn’t immediately ducked. As he was running, he could hear the sound of feet running behind him. They were close. Closer and closer until he reached the place where the woods poured out into the familiarity of the town they lived in. And once he reached the concrete, there was nothing. He looked over his shoulder, expecting to still be in danger, but all he saw were trees.

 

Kyle was only a few feet in front of him and once Charlie caught up they walked home like nothing happened. And for a long time after that, neither of them knew if it did happen or not. They finally made it back to their apartment, sunk into the couch in unison, and looked at each other and burst into laughter.

 

“Holy shit, dude,” Charlie said, holding up the empty baggie where their weed used to be. “I’m gonna call Dave, I think he laced our shit. And that was a baaad trip.” They both broke out into hysterics.

 

They finished their less than average evening with a few brews and re-runs of Ren and Stimpy before passing out on the couch.

 

A slit of light made its way through the broken blinds covering their living room window, waking up Kyle. He stretched without regard for Charlie who was still asleep next to him. A backhand to the face woke him up. “God dammit, Kyle!”

 

“Sorry!” Kyle said as he got up to go to the kitchen, picking up empty beer bottles on his way.

 

“Hey man, do we have any—“Bottles crashed to the floor, sending shards across their kitchen floor.

 

“What the fuck, Kyle? Pick that shit up!”

 

“Charlie…come look at this.”

 

Charlie walked over to the fridge where Kyle was standing. On the front of the fridge in big magnetic letters was the message, “Prize Inside ” They looked at each other apprehensively.

 

“Did you put this here..?”

 

Charlie shook his head.

 

Kyle swallowed the excess saliva building in his mouth and placed his hand on the door. Slowly, he cracked the fridge open. Everything had been taken out of the fridge and the only thing remaining was a heart resting in a crystal vase, its edges garnished delicately with tendons.

 

 

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