An Introduction
Since the United States is My “favorite” country – I have Jefferson and all those pompous fools in Philadelphia to thank for that, having Me ‘bless this’ and ‘bless that’. Oh, and Irving Berlin as well, that pretentious ass – I suppose I could elaborate on the history of the leaders of these often-surly upstarts.
Now, I am not saying I shun these United States or hold any sort of vendetta against past masters of prose and song, I just dislike when individuals put words in My mouth. I allowed the Gospel to pass, for, I will admit, My ego can be as limitless as my being. But as a more contemporary rule of thumb, I prefer to distance Myself from those who enjoy “interpretation” far too much. Mr. Falwell, it may benefit you to listen, sir…
All right, I should start off by answering the one question on everyone’s mind; and if you think it is the “meaning of life”, I am sorry, you are gravely mistaken. You must come see Me personally for the answer to that question. An unfair policy, I know, but it was not My idea. St. Peter calculated that the attendance rate would simply skyrocket if there were an even greater insurance than just salvation. I mean, who would not wish to know the meaning of life? But I digress…
The question that needs answering is – Why the Presidents of the United States, oh Lord? Why not the sacred kings of tribal Africa? Why not go about explaining the phenomenon of Atlantis? The answer to these questions, and truly any question brought to My attention, is this – Because I am God. Also, I feel the “historians” of these United States have been doing a laughable job at maintaining their own past. American history as I remember it is not being best represented and I aim to amend that. Why? Because I am God. Deal with it.
So, here are a few accounts of the presidents of the United States of America, presented in alphabetical order (in divergence of the system created by that fool Dewey), as I remember them. Do not worry if they fail to add up to the “history” you learned in school. Just take My word for it. And why should you? Correct again – because I am God…
James Buchanan (1857 - 1861)
Andrew Jackson called him “Miss Nancy” for a reason. Yes, Old Hickory wasn’t the most tolerant or respectable of fellows, but his degrading comment was not entirely misplaced. In fact, if not for contrary advice from his Vice President John C. Breckinridge and the rest of his cabinet, Buchanan would have become the first president to fight for gay rights.
He even had a flag design in mind long before the rainbow banner P.R.I.D.E. displays today. Luckily, Buchanan’s motif – that of a raging fist and rusted chain – never saw the light of day.
Yes, Mr. James had quite the trouble maintaining his dignity in politics while valiantly attempting to keep his private life secret. He was engaged once, but his fiancée, Ann Caroline Coleman, broke the engagement and died several days later from a laudanum overdose. His sexual orientation was brought into question by his aunt Delores once he turned forty. She was noted as saying, “Well he’s forty now, successful, and he’s not married. You know what that means…”
Buchanan’s decision to hang Austrian drapes in the Oval Office later made it painfully clear to everyone else.
Calvin Coolidge (1923 - 1929)
Coolidge has the well-deserved reputation of being the funniest president to ever grace the office. During a dinner at the White House, a young lady told the president she had bet a friend she could get him to say at least five words. Without even looking at her, he calmly leaned over and said, “Eat shit and die.”
He facilitated this quiet and pleasant demeanor to mask a truly deranged mind. During his term, Coolidge would parade around the White House grounds in the early hours of the morning while wearing his famous Indian headdress (but nothing else), brandishing a pick-axe and shouting obscenities, all the while loudly revealing his plans for world domination.
Coolidge had in fact set plans in motion for a Death Ray, which was being constructed and stored in a great subterranean complex underneath his home state of Vermont. Luckily, especially for his arch-nemesis Rudolph Valentino, the Great Depression soon struck the world’s economy and crippled financing for “Project Punch Line”, as it was referred. I have to say, it seems the aphorism was correct - “It’s always the quite ones.”
Millard James Fillmore (1850 – 1853)
I suppose I do not have much to say about one M. J. Fillmore. He was, after all, quite boorish.
He refused to join the Republican Party during re-election and established the short-lived Know Nothing Party, also known as the American Party. History would prove him absolutely correct.
As well as being vaguely evil, Fillmore never really knew how to choose his allies or his enemies. I gave that man half a brain for a reason.
For example, throughout the Civil War he opposed President Lincoln, and during Reconstruction, he supported President Johnson. Fillmore died in 1874 of stupidity.
James Garfield (1881)
Ah, a man whose name will always be synonymous with an obese calico cat who loves lasagna:
“Garfield.”
“Cat?”
“No, President.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah…”
Poor man.
If ever there was a president that bit closely at Harrison’s coat tails for shortest term, it was Garfield. After being mortally wounded in a Washington train station on July 2 nd, 1881, personal friend Alexander Graham Bell attempted to locate the bullet with a primitive metal detector. After lack of progress, the President was taken to the New Jersey seaside on September 6 th.
September 9 th, 1881, President Garfield dies. The cause of death on the Death Certificate: “Jersey”.
Ulysses S. Grant (1869 - 1877)
All right, I do not really like talking about this man.
All I can say is he served two terms as President, some how.
The treaty at Appomattox was actually resolved over a drinking game known as “quarters”. Lincoln was quite the lightweight, so he sent Grant in his stead. Luckily, the general’s reputation greatly preceded him, and General Lee was quick to throw in the towel.
When he became president in 1869, Grant worked up the notorious reputation for being late to any and all meetings, formals, or receptions that were held at the White House. This was not because of his incompetence at keeping a schedule though. His drab appearance would often garner him trouble from White House security, and they simply would not let him. They simply could not believe he was president of the United States.
Since everything he touched turned to shit, Grant hurriedly began a collection of his memoirs to pay off his debts and provide for his family. His testament would ultimately earn him $450,000. Soon after completing the last page in 1885, he passed away.
I felt it was my responsibility to allow him entrance to Heaven. To deny him would be very much the same as engaging in a game of hide and seek with a blind person.
Warren G. Harding (1921 – 1923)
How I love it when the common folk voice their opinions. Harry Daugherty, an Ohio local, promoted Harding for the 1920 Republican nomination because, “He looked like a President”. History would prove him woefully incorrect.
“I played every instrument except the slide trombone and the E-flat cornet,” Harding once remarked.
Thirty-one distinguished Republicans had signed a manifesto assuring voters that a vote for Harding was a vote for the League of Nations, but Harding interpreted his election as a mandate to stay out. Truthfully, he was upset at the name he would have been christened by Batman and the Atom upon entering the “League” – Scary Man.
Political spectators would remark on Harding’s murky and unclear speeches. It was not the point he failed to realize, Harding just had a terrible lisp. I know tedious speech when I see it. Just look at the Old Testament.
“America's present need is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums, but normalcy; not revolution, but restoration; not agitation, but adjustment; not surgery, but serenity; not the dramatic, but the dispassionate; not experiment, but equipoise; not submergence in internationality, but sustainment in triumphant nationality…”
Very well, maybe he was a bit long-winded.
Unaware that the office of the President of the United States comes with scandal, lies, and treachery, Harding commented, when he became aware his associates were using his power for their own enrichment, “My friends…they’re the ones that keep me walking the floors at night!” Poor, poor disillusioned Warren…
Benjamin Harrison (1889 – 1893)
Famous for his “front porch” campaigns, Harrison would deliver short speeches from his own front lawn to delegations visiting him in Indianapolis. After his speech, he would, also from his front porch, kindly ask them to leave – with a shotgun and a pack of hounds.
Harrison probably had the most nicknames of any president. Being a small man, Democrats mocked him with the title “Little Ben”. His Republican co-harts said he was big enough to wear the hat of his
grandfather, “Old Tippecanoe”. This was in fact quite a feat, since his grandfather suffered from a monstrous case of elephantitis and actually wore a canoe for a hat.
After his demolitious defeat for the governor’s post of Indiana, the Democrats labeled him as “Kid’s Gloves”. Harrison would regain his dignity after a long and hard campaign trail for the senate though, being newly christened “The Eviscerator”.
Yes, Benjamin had many titles throughout his life, but the one he accepted with the most pride was “King” – “King of the Martians”.
William Henry Harrison (1841)
Harrison, along with Jackson and Grant among others, held a place in the long line of presidents who served in the armed forces before their term in office. Shawnee leader Chief Tecumseh’s death at his hand would later spawn a radical Indian’s rights movement – the Village People.
Yes, Harrison may share a spot in a certain lineage of presidents, but he had one achievement to his name that was entirely his own – he held the shortest term in office. There is actually quite a humorous anecdote behind that.
You see, Harrison was closely associated with senator Daniel Webster, who actually edited his Inaugural Address. Because of an earlier dispute about the combustion capabilities of Lake Erie though, Webster made the address 3,000 pages long.
Because of the terrible weather conditions that day, this vengeful deed lead to Harrison catching a horrible case of pneumonia during his oration and dying soon after.
Andrew Jackson (1829 – 1837)
What a cantankerous fellow this one was. Known for his hot temper and steadfast demeanor, Jackson was christened “Old Hickory”. In his early years, he would shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Despite his often-sociopathic demeanor, he was quite the aristocrat. Taking his membership to the Hermitage organization quite literally, it is a portrait of Jackson in his final years that graces the front cover of the British musical group Led Zeppelin’s fourth record album.
When a guest at a dinner party informed him that his close friend Martin Van Buren had been denied nomination for Ambassador to England, he exclaimed, “By the Eternal! I’ll crush them”. He proceeded to rightfully do so for thirteen hours with a large, wooden mallet, in tow inventing the game we know today as Whack-A-Mole. Then again, I should say, with a little divine intervention…
Thomas Jefferson (1801 – 1809)
All right – Thomas Jefferson: the second president of the United States.
First off, George Washington had wooden teeth; this charlatan had a wooden leg. He lost it, like any sea-ferrying entrepreneur, in battle between opposing parties. Yes – Thomas Jefferson was also a pirate during his “lost” middle years.
In 1786, he composed a bill establishing religious freedom, as long as that religion was Quaker. Jefferson was quite renowned for such instances of sly humor and absurdity.
Even though Jefferson put his Monticello estate and his mind “on an elevated situation, from which he might contemplate the universe”, he was terrified of heights.
It is also maintained that this supposed poet and master of prose also penned the Declaration of Independence, along with several other texts of reverence. This information is fallacious. Jefferson made use of a ghostwriter whose name, conveniently enough, was also Thomas Jefferson.
Andrew Johnson (1865 – 1869)
Although an honest and honorable man, Andrew Johnson was one of the most unfortunate of Presidents.
He was often met on the fields of battle by his most vehement opponents, the Radical Republicans. The broadsword and mace were his weapons of choice, and he maintained an impressive record of 10 and 3, slaying any insurgent who dared cross his path. Alas, because of multiple concussions and severe loss of blood, Johnson had begun to lose what little cognitive capacity he had. In a landmark action, Congress was forced to over-rule Johnson’s veto against the Civil Rights Act of 1866, which established Negroes as American citizens and forbade discrimination against them.
The opposition eventually became too great when impeachment was brought against him in 1867. Staying true to his warrior’s code, Johnson decided to take his own life in 1875 through hara-kiri than suffer any more humiliation at the hands of his enemies.
Abraham Lincoln (1861 – 1865)
Since Lincoln is the most popular president, everything interesting about the man has already been put in a book somewhere. Most of these chronicles of his life are in fact correct. But, of course, man is quite fallible, whilst I am not.
You see, having failed miserably out of art, music, and architecture school, Lincoln took up law and became a prominent attorney. Which was most unfortunate. Because I can certainly tell you – the man could dance circles around anyone. Wonderful form, great spirit – he even perfected an early variation of the Mashed Potatoes… But there I go digressing again. Anyhow, his luck with the performing arts eventually came full circle when, in 1865, he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.
A politician and speaker above all things, Lincoln also held experience in the military field. When serving in the Black Hawk War, his general would send Lincoln to the front of the ranks during the charge. The natives found Lincoln’s height and build truly terrifying and would usually surrender within minutes.
Franklin Pierce (1845 - 1849)
Poor Franklin Pierce was so hungry for the presidency that, while campaigning for the Democratic nomination, he purchased a cursed monkey’s paw in New Orleans. Ignoring the voodoo priest’s warnings about “fortune by misfortune”, he quickly wished for the highest office in the land. The next month’s election would prove Pierce the winner, but two months before he took office, he and his wife witnessed their eleven-year-old son’s death when their train was wrecked. In his inaugural address though, Pierce promised his administration would see prosperity for America and would not be deterred by “any timid forebodings of evil”.
The monkey’s paw was soon discreetly stored away in a secret compartment in the White House basement. It is stumbled upon every few generations, most notably by Ulysses S. Grant, Herbert Hoover, and most recently, George W. Bush.
Theodore Roosevelt (1901 – 1909)
Good old T.R. I do not mean to play favorites, but I must say Mr. Roosevelt was the highest in My good graces.
He was an active trustbuster and environmentalist, but his brutish manner and discombobulated use of the English language forever stained his name in the history books (those not printed in the United States at least).
His mustache was also offensive to Protestants.
A good and honest man, T.R. claimed to have bore witness to a congress of Sasquatch. He has My resounding confidence.
An amusing side note in recent history: when given the opportunity to sue for deformation of character against the producers of Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) - in which a character conveniently nicknamed “Teddy” habitually and manically scales a flight of stairs, the act representing “his” charge on San Juan Hill – the Roosevelt family declined bringing said grievances to the front, claiming the illustration to be “totally and 100 % accurate”.
William Howard Taft (1909 – 1913)
This fellow loved the game of baseball some much he married it. Soon after, he also consumed it.
A politician Taft was not. So, not having much of a taste for the presidency, he took up as a Professor of Law at Yale after his term. This short stint quickly gave way to him fulfilling his deepest desire – moving to Japan and becoming Grand Sumo.
Now, allies before the presidential race, Taft and Roosevelt became bitter enemies. Being an adamant fan of competition, Roosevelt proposed a contest which at the time was new to that day and age – hotdog eating. Roosevelt lost. Terribly.
Taft greatly disliked his campaign time – “One of the most uncomfortable four months of my life”, he would say. The most uncomfortable four months of his life – getting stuck in the White House bathtub.
During T.R.’s time in office, Taft served as his Secretary of War. William was surprisingly good at his post. Any foreign or domestic entity that posed a threat was duly consumed. With a side of potatoes.
Martin Van Buren (1837 – 1841)
Van Buren was one of the more curious of presidents.
I shall put you an example. He suffered from xanthophobia – the fear of the color, or word, yellow.
Despite his handicap, he did do some good for the nation in his time. For instance, he created the New Bank of the United States during the depression era of the early to mid 1800s. There was never another drastic slope in the country’s economics again.
Dubbed “the Little Magician” for his political prowess, Van Buren ironically enough also possessed the ability to vanish in a puff of fire and smoke at will, attributes that usually came with other nicknames, such as “the Prince of Darkness”, “the Deceiver”, or “Old Scratch”.
Epilogue
I would like to say that this exercise in such wonderful remembrance has indeed been enjoyable. Yes, quite a few presidents have been excluded, including George Washington, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, and Richard Millhouse Nixon, but, need I remind you, I am God. I do as I please. Besides, their lives were so…boring anyway.
Also, any questioning of said accounts (“demolitious”, by the way, is now officially a word) shall be met with great vengeance and furious anger. As I have said in My most noted works, the Ten Commandments, I am a jealous God. I also hold quite a high standard of Myself, being God and all, and do not take kindly to criticism. Just as long as everyone takes what I have said as My-Honest-Truth, matters should remain pleasant and enjoyable.
Did I mention how much I relish irony?
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